Releasing fear

 

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.”-  Psalm 23:4

Writing a blog post is currently sporadic for me as I gradually lose ties with my past. If you are a regular visitor, you’d know that most of my previous posts were centred on expressing the mistreatment I supposedly suffered at the hands of others. God has been working on me; helping me see my past experiences as a gift; and because of that I have released my need to be identified as someone who was unloved or was abused. I have no sad story to cling on to and make an identity out of anymore; hence the sporadic changes in my writing.

This brings me to the reason I decided to write this blog- fear- fear of losing my identity (connected to a sad past) and the fear of losing my ego. This is generally a blog on fear: feeling it, facing it and overcoming it.

The time I felt chronic fear on a daily basis was in my work office. A number of incidents took place which I perceived as an attempt to exclude me. Not being recognized and acknowledged felt like I was experiencing annihilation. I would return home, over analysing my office mates’ behaviour. I would open my eyes first thing in the morning and already get into the habit of worrying about how I was going to feel in the office that day. The fear subsided as I continuously faced it. Each time I sat on my desk, seeing them chatting away as they knocked off without saying goodbye, I got stronger. Each time I expressed myself and was called crazy and my opinions thwarted, I got stronger. Each time they’d talk amongst themselves, calling our older officemates their mother, I got stronger. Remembering that my parents were in Mafikeng and everyone there was my colleague kept me sane. Their behaviour was not who I am. The fearful feelings within, although calling out to me; were not me. I began to have fun with the process. I sat with my fear and thanked it for surfacing. Each time I perceived exclusion; I would remind myself that I overcame this the previous day. I am not going to die. I am already victorious. I am more than a conqueror through Him who loves me (Romans 8:37).

 I started seeing the two ladies in my office as gifts. According to Ken Keyes, “Each person you meet is either your teacher or your lover”. They were teaching me to ‘see’ myself and not seek it externally. They were helping me expand and grow in every way! They were challenging me, pushing my buttons- providing me with an opportunity to transcend my past and present experiences. My fearful emotions that came up with each incident were leading me towards healing. Exclusion and not being seen were my big triggers because they all began in my family of origin. But that part of my life is disintegrating as I feel and acknowledge my fears. It’s not scary anymore because we’ve been friends before and I know how generous, humorous, warm, considerate, thoughtful, wise, empathic they truly are. I just began “levelling up” which became something to be feared.

At times we fear when people are doing better than us. Due to the scarcity mind-set passed on to us; our minds tell us that when people are doing well they’re taking something from us. Hence we are instructed to “not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds”. (Romans 12:2). I experienced this fear during a park run. As the race began, there was a lady who was running the same distance as me. I was running with endurance and she was doing run and walk intervals. Each time she passed me, I actually got mad. All the beauty around me was non-existent as I obsessively focused on her trying to “beat” me! I’d observe thoughts like, “She’s just an old woman anyway”, “look at her wobbly body” and so forth. It was fear; the fear of not being a “winner” and thinking that her position will diminish mine. I took a hold of my thoughts and renewed them, started saying things like, “This woman inspires me. She’s here on this cloudy Saturday morning, giving it her all”. It’s amazing, as soon as I did that, the indigenous flora and fauna, the ponds, the sky unfolded in all their beauty. Energy arouse from within that gave me such a speed to run faster. I couldn’t have mental dialogues about her anymore because I was far ahead. I was presented with another lesson: when we criticize others negatively, it’s because we are behind them. We fear them. As soon as you go up- moving forward, upward and Godward, focusing on your own race, you have nothing to fear because you already are a winner. To my amazement when we got to the finishing line I discovered that this woman was in her 50’s, a park run veteran, doing her ninety something run! I was on my 7^th! We could learn a lot from those we fear.

I learned a lot from a ferocious, vicious dog in one of my morning runs around the neighbourhood. All of sudden this dog was barking, chasing me. He was so scary, and I was frightened as more dogs approached. I stood still and faced the fear, being fully present and surrendering to the moment. The dogs left. The next day it happened again. I stood still and they left. I could already predict my lesson; every circumstance that comes into my life and causes me fear is just like a dog barking I should just surrender to it. It might seem scary but on a larger scale it’s no big deal really. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I really will fear no evil because God is with me! He endows me with power, strength and makes me an overcomer!

My mind was already making up stories of why they would leave the gate slightly open. I was contemplating giving them warnings that I was going to sue them if their dog bit me because I perceived it as being a race issue. I recalled an incident one evening running in an isolated street. A white young man in a bakkie slowed down. “What are you doing here!?”, he asked in Afrikaans. I said running. He said some rude things to me and I replied by saying, “Jesus loves you.” He said, “Fuck you and your Jesus” and sped off. In the small town I work at, blacks are still being oppressed. I walked along the street once and the small white children shot stones at me from their yard. It’s all fear and it’s being passed down to generations. Martin Luther King said that they fear us hence they try to oppress us. They fear that we’ll take “their” resources, land, become “better” than them. So when the gate was left slightly open I concluded that they feared that by running on that street every day, I was taking something from them. But again, it could just be fear from made up stories in my mind.

 When I saw the absurdity of it all, I rested. Nothing can come into our experience unless God allows it to. People are angry, are fearful but it’s because they haven’t entered that place of rest. “There remains therefore a rest for the people of God” (Hebrews 4:9). Rest from all fear, it’s like a dog barking, or helping you transcend your circumstances, moving you towards healing, or shattering your ego. In any case, it all works together for your good!

The Cause of My Happiness

Earlier on during my morning run, I felt the feeling of joy sweeping all over my body. I thought about how happy I was, which left me wondering what could be the cause of so much joy!

Back in varsity, we would flatter each other around as girls exclaiming how the other one was glowing. It would be followed up by the question, "So, who's the guy?" Coming to think of it now, I think we give these guys too much credit! I have a boyfriend now and I've seen him flirt with girls in front of me- there's no possible way that he could be the cause of my happiness. I've seen my best friend being annoyed with me. I've seen my sister being irritated at me. I've seen colleagues going the extra mile trying to inflict pain to me. I've seen people I considered dearly as friends trying by all means to bring me down with their words. Let's not even go there with my parents! I've also had my fair share in hurting, disappointing and inflicting pain onto others. This just goes to show how fallible we are as human beings. It's absurd to think that people are the cause of our happiness.

I have a list of the things that make me happy.

1. My connection with God. Each morning, rain or sunshine, winter or summer, load shedding or not, I get up at 4:00 am to read my Bible and pray. This time of my day is so divine I'm always left in awe! During the day when I experience challenges, I often meditate on the verses I read that morning which empowers me. "...Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world"..."Set your mind on things above..." , "...I'm seated in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus", "I'm confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!" Recalling God's promises always activates that joy inside of me.

2. Positive affirmations. Listening to and writing out my own affirmations helps me see beyond my circumstances. My reality is not what happens in my external world but what happens internally. This is what gives me joy; knowing that it's my own thoughts and words that create my reality. Having this power creates my happiness. 

3. Challenging myself. I've discovered that when I'm courageous enough to do something that helps me overcome my fear on a daily basis it helps me be happy and gain confidence. Walking, trying out different routes and greeting people is one of the ways I challenge myself to overcome fear. I've looked for recycling material in garbage bins, I've cycled to work, I've enrolled in obstacle courses, I've gone ice-skating, I've gone hiking all by my self. All these and more have helped me overcome my fears and made me come out on the other side more confident, powerful and happier. 

4. Reading Books. Besides reading for inspiration and motivation, I also read books that help me understand how my brain functions. In one of the books by Dr. Daniel Amen, I discovered a supplement which promotes my mood and helps balance the neaurotransmitters in my brain. It's called S-adenosylmethionine (SAM-e). Taking SAM-e each morning on an empty stomach helps me react less negatively to seemingly stressful situations throughout the day. Responding in a calm manner to stressful situations prevents sleepless nights,overthinking, replaying scenarios over and over, worrying or being angry- which ultimately robs one of their joy.

5. Being authentic and living my truth. This by far has been the most challenging because unlike doing it all by myself, it affects the people around me. "It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us." I've seen my light shine so brightly as I live authentically. However, this light has somehow frightened those around me. Overcoming this obstacle on a daily basis produces so much joy in me. It was in those moments of exclusion and separation that I learned to depend on my own inner strength and be anchored in God, who is the Source of my happiness. It was in those moments of hate, gossip and false accusations where I learned to stop fearing living an authentic life. I've learned that they will talk, but overcoming all that has made me an even happier person. It's a paradox, the hate has fueled my happiness.

Being happy is a wierd concept in this day and age- perhaps that's why I was eager to find out why in the world was I feeling such intense happiness during my run! We have become so accustomed to fear, survival, threats that we sabotage our joy. Apparently happiness is actually our normal state of being. It's just been tainted by the circumstances that we've faced. I have faced difficulties just like everyone else, and I know that I will encounter difficulties in my life's journey. However, I've made a decsion that my challenges will just be a stepping stone to my growth and greatness! 

I've decided that regardless of what goes on around me; I get to be and feel abundant, wise, peaceful, joyful, free, content, beautiful, confident, light, harmonious, blessed, succesful, full of faith, irreplaceable and enough! 

Tell Them Who You Are

 

I was visiting my parents for the weekend which was a relatively good one. On a Sunday afternoon after a warm meal cooked by my mom, I decided to wash the dishes. Just as I was getting started my dad came in sarcastically questioning me about the place I placed the dishes (which were on top of the freezer) and not on a table. He took the dishes and tried to place them on the table asking, “Why don’t you place the dishes on the table? Don’t you know that they can move?” I looked at him puzzled. What was the big deal about where I prefer to place the dishes that I decided to wash? My dad has always found ways in my childhood to try to make me feel inferior about insignificant things. But as a child I could not see them as insignificant because his opinion and perception of me meant everything to me. I felt anger during the incident recalling one event as a child. He had asked me to bring him “powder soap” so I ran to the kitchen cupboards eager to please him to look for the powder soap. As I stood in front of the cupboard looking for an object written powder soap on it, he came in. Standing behind me he asked, “Where is the powder soap?” I scratched my head still looking for it. “Don’t you know what a powder soap is?, he asked laughing sarcastically. He moved his way to the cupboard and took out the usual SURF/OMO with pride. Even though no one had ever taught me that those are called powder soaps, I felt very stupid. So when he asked me about the dishes, I realized his attempt to inferiorate me. With anger, I left the dishes and went on to do something else.

As I was busy with my activity, I felt intense anger boiling through me. The more he attempted to talk to me coolly, the angrier I became and the more I avoided him. As I was reflecting on the incident I saw him as a little boy. I’m not saying that he is- that’s just how I saw him at that moment. A small boy attempting to make me feel how he probably felt within. I have come to believe that the people in our lives who are cruel, resentful, and jealous and try to make our lives a nightmare do that because they’re unhappy with their own lives. It’s really not personal. If we allow ourselves to be their easy targets by continuing seeking their validation even when they’re incapable of giving it to us, they’ll continue being that way to us but other people. The conclusion that I came up with after my reflection i.e feeling the angry feelings, accepting and releasing them in prayer, was that no one was ever going to anger me again whether it’s a father, a mother, a sister, a colleague, a friend- not even a circumstance. Epictetus said, “Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him”. When I was a child I was an easy target for my dad’s belittling comments, but as an adult I managed to make him aware that I wasn’t happy with his behavior. I sent him a text, “I have been displaying my gratitude to you for all your kindness and generosity. However, there are some grievances I’d like to state. Papa, please stop making me feel inferior. I’m an adult who’s capable of accomplishing great tasks!” He called immediately and profusely apologized. In the place of anger, there was now compassion. In the place of shame, there was now empathy. He is a human being capable of making mistakes, capable of getting away with unfair treatment if not called to order. It is our responsibility to tell and show people who we truly are.

I got a text message from my colleague the other day. He was profusely apologizing for something he did to me earlier at work. Unable to recall any incident where I felt offended, I asked, “What happened today?” He didn’t tell me but kept apologizing. I was no longer interested in what happened anymore because it could have the power to trigger me so I replied, “Don’t worry about it- it’s all in the past. Tomorrow is a new day!” I was amazed to see that I have reached such a level of joy, self-love, self-acceptance that a colleague who used to trigger me more than anyone besides my parents had no power over me anymore. Attending therapy is life-changing! Looking at my emotional state now I can recall my first few sessions with my therapist, I was a hot mess! If a greeting was not returned, it would trigger me. If I was excluded and invalidated, I was triggered. I remember going to bed almost every night with a broken spirit desperately praying to God to make people be nice to me. I consider that a waste of my time although God was probably more about my motives rather than my words. Some of the prayers we make are made to control other people instead of taking an inventory look at ourselves. I was no longer going to abstain from sex for years only to be duped again by a smart man. I was no longer going to be quiet when I feel strongly about an opinion regardless of how others take it. I was no longer going to chase unavailable people who are incapable of giving me what I need and spend endless tears in prayer asking God to change them! I was going to do the work. I was going to sit in a session with my Therapist who pointed out the changes I needed to make. I was going to journal, I was going to feel my feelings, I was going to limit my social media and TV viewing, I was going to search for veterans and mentors who could carry me to where I need to be. I was going to cry out to God to change me!

Eckhart Tolle said, “Where there is anger there’s always pain underneath.” So when you see people easily triggered by other people and circumstances, they are probably living in the past recalling their bad experiences. My Therapist once said to me, “Differentiate other people i.e your co-workers, friends from your parents. Those people are not your parents.” That was life changing as it helped me stay in the present, dealing with the situation at hand and not think I was cursed at birth. I learned that it was my responsibility to develop self-control with regards to my emotions. “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls” says Proverbs 25:28. We are in charge of what goes on inside of us. We should know where our buttons are so that when they are pressed we are aware. Awareness is everything! My buttons used to be the fear of abandonment, the fear of being excluded and invalidated, the fear of being seen as stupid…but my dear, I dare you to press those buttons now- you won’t get any reaction from me L.O.L! I now validate myself. I am not afraid to call myself intelligent, smart, wise, beautiful, phenomenal, worthy, enough, deserving because that’s who I really am. I show it in the way I prioritize myself and the way I love and take care of myself. I don’t pray anymore for people to “see” me I just thank God for saving, choosing, redeeming and delivering me through the Blood Of His Son Jesus Christ!

What A Journey!

 

“What’s on your mind?” he asked as we walked quietly in the forest. “Thinking of writing a blog about today…” I answered. “And what’s the title going to be?” “Uhmm…WHAT A DAY! Perhaps?” “How about what a journey? In that way it’d be more interesting for your readers.” “Nailed it! What A Journey it is!

Earlier that day I hopped into my car, blasted some Maverick City in search of adventure. I’ve finally decided to give my soul what it’s been yearning for, adventure. I was looking for it from people…I remember visiting my best friend and whilst dining with her friends I requested her to come sit next to me which seemed a bit clingy from my side. Every day when my sister returned from work, tired and needing to unwind, I’d demand that she sits with and connect with me. Many nights I’d go to bed and yearn for a warm embrace- I was so needy. I thought that by voicing out what I need in my close relationships I would get what my soul needed. But when I became needy it irritated my loved ones.  No one is willing to sacrifice their freedom at the expense of giving me adventure. That’s when I learned to give it to myself. So I went hiking on my own.

The place was already packed. As I stood on the line waiting to get my wrist band I looked around. I seemed all alone amidst excited, eager and chattering faces. After getting my wrist band I slipped into the woods, taking pictures and trying my best to make it a lively experience. I was filled with thrill and excitement as I began my 10km hike.  I said hello to some people hoping to join them yet afraid of boldly reaching out. “So you’ve decided to do it alone!” exclaimed a lady in front of me as I leaped towards a high hill. “Oh yes!” I replied taking a sip of water. “I came alone hoping to actually meet people like you!” “Well, I’m with those two guys over there”, pointing at them as they were taking pictures. “You are more than welcome to join us!” The adventure began.

I introduced myself to them as we went along the woods. At some point one of the guys asked me where I’d like to take a rest. “Anywhere”, I said giggling. He looked puzzled. “What do you mean anywhere?”, he asked making gestures with his hand. I realized that he expected me to have an opinion, a voice of my own…For so long especially as a child I’d been silenced. I remember when we used to go eat out as a family and I order a burger my dad would exclaim in disappointment, “Burger!? Oh, God! Why would you order a burger?” I felt ashamed for having my own preference while the rest of the family could order whatever food they wanted without being shamed for it. He and my mom would separately also shame me for the type of clothes I wore as a child and that made me doubt my own choice of clothing.  As a result, I became silent in matters that called for me to state my opinion. That’s where I learned to giggle instead of speaking up. When this guy asked me what I meant when I say “anywhere”, I changed my answer and said, “We can find a place where there’s a shade and it’s comfortable to sit and rest”. I was satisfied with my ability to answer.  I learned that in order to become the assertive person that I am praying to be, I have to be willing to respectfully state my opinions and choices. I don’t have to be aggressive and fight everyone, neither do I need to be a doormat that giggles at everything; I can find balance in between the two extremes.

As we went deep into the forest, they identified a tree filled with fruit only found in the wild. The guys walked towards it to pick the fruit. I was about to follow them when the lady said, “Let the guys pick the fruit for us- it’s thorny out there.” I learned what femininity is from this simple experience more than I could from books and podcasts.  All I’ve known my entire life is being macho, controlling, chasing, demanding- being more masculine instead of feminine. That experience practically showed me how men enjoy being hunters, providers and protectors. This nature can only come out in the presence of women who allow them to be their true selves. I’ve read about such men but this experience showed me that they do exist right where I’m at not only in books by American authors. Also, the way the guys communicated with us was filled with respect, strength and warmth.  I know that what I have been praying for does exist.

We ended up walking in pairs half way in the hike. The guy I was walking with kept talking about God. I haven’t been very vocal about my faith lately as I’m learning to part ways with religious mystification and the dictations society expects my relationship with Christ to be.  But hearing him speak freely about the mercies and provision of God reminded me of what a GOOD FATHER we actually have! The guy kept saying, “God gives us people.” That was a great reminder for me as I’ve been so obsessed with relationships and friendships in my prayers.  I’ve seen the impact of good relationships in my life. Good relationships that help develop my mind in a positive way, that propel me forward, that make me feel good,  that support and fuel me to be the best version of myself. And I’ve also been around toxicity where the invalidation and exclusion tried to make me into a shell of a human being. So I wanted to gravitate towards healthy relationships and avoid the toxic ones hence it became an obsession.  As he reminded me that God gives us people; I remembered the wonderful friends that God has given me, my Therapist who challenges me to think out of the box, my vibrant gym instructors  who show me a vision of where I can be if I put in the work. I love people and I want to be around good people with good energy, and I was reminded that God will give them to me. He opens His hand and satisfies the desire of every living thing (Psalm 145:16).

The guy also mentioned energy which seems to be trending in this era. People are energy and you want to be around good energy. You want to be around people who share in your hobbies and interests and are able to meet you half way in your journey of seeking adventure.  I’ve been around such people and with no fear or mask wearing I’m able to truly be myself and be accepted for who I am. We also outgrow people as we change and they change- hopefully for the good; which is not a bad thing, it’s just a shift in flow. You feel the energy and follow where it goes.

“Become a friend first to yourself”, he said. “And the friendships you need will come to you”.

As we walked towards the finish line I remembered the words from the song I listened to on my way there:

God of my present

God of my future

You write my story

You hold it all together.

We're safe.

We parted ways and were thankful for the adventure.

Beginning of Hike

End of Hike

Acquiring New Communication Skills

 

I am in the process of learning and growing. It takes time and patience- putting one brick at a time.

I am acquiring new skills to have great relationships.

 I speak my truth with an open heart even when other might not agree with or like what I have to say.

 I speak to myself with love and kindness.

 I am capable of contributing 50% of my part in my relationships.

 Good relationships and friendships are possible for me.

Rather than using my words as weapons, I ask myself these two questions; “What am I afraid of in this situation?” and “What is it that I want to happen now?”

I strive to get what I want and need in my relationships, so I communicate clearly to achieve that.

 People are not mind readers, so they won’t know what I need unless I state it.

I will remember that it’s okay to say no to others in order to say yes to myself.

In my communication, I take time to think my words through so that I don’t end up hurting the other person unintentionally.

Getting better at communicating is a life-long process and I’m a willing scholar.

 In my communication, I stay clear of judgments and assumptions. I avoid questions that cast blame or are preloaded with negative bias.

These are the questions I’ll ask when having a difficult conversation: 1) How are you feeling at this very moment? 2) What do you want to happen next? 3) What is it that I can do to help in this situation?

It’s O.K. for me to say no.

It’s O.K. for me to create boundaries,

It’s O.K. for me to say things others don’t want to hear.

I can speak without taking responsibility for other people’s reactions.

And I can do the above with a heart wide open.

And other people have every right to do the same.

Self-Love

 

As customary, towards the end of each year I like to extract valuable meaning from my experiences. I find that there are always gains to be made despite the hardships they come with.  This year I learned the importance of self-love. It began when a gentleman moved to our flats. Being hopeful of romantic love I’d think perhaps—you know—maybe… To my surprise one Saturday as I was basking in the sun, peacefully reading a book he approached me. In a matter of minutes he managed to organize a house party involving some of our residents.  Obviously we didn’t know each other that well, but towards the end of the evening he wanted to have sex with me. I rejected his advances. I did not like that he made me his target out of the other women. What in me made him think that he could portray to be a gentleman in the face of others but push me sexually in private? I let it go thinking that it is in most men’s nature to try their luck looking for opportunities to have sex with whoever is available.  And when they see you living a quiet life, mostly on your own, reading- they perceive you as weak, submissive and exploitable. They don’t think about your hopes, dreams, desires and that is why it’s important to think about yourself and everything that concerns you first.

Sometime after the event I learned that he had a girlfriend.  I asked him why he wanted to have sex with me when he had a girlfriend that he claimed to love so much. He said that I take life too seriously. We could have just had sex and laughed about it the next day.  Laugh about it the next day? I honestly could not grasp his thought process at that time.  How do I give you my most-priced possession and turn around to laugh about it? Knowing very well that you have a girlfriend? Wait a minute- I thought. Who’s the leading role in the story of my life? Who gets to decide how my life will turn out? Is it those men who always told me what to do with my body, who taught me to submit to their wishes as a lamb about to be slaughtered, only to tell me the next day that they were in committed relationships? I get to decide and self-love will determine my response.

As time went on after we discovered that we wanted different things we became civil neighbors towards each other. He’d drive long distances to get his girlfriend to visit him for the weekend and notify me about it. He’d buy luxurious gifts for her to impress her. He’d ask me about certain holiday destinations where he wanted to take his girlfriend. The ultimate was when he jokingly asked me to buy him and his girlfriend alcohol.  In defeat I responded, “I don’t buy men stuff.” I also want to have the experience of a man going out of his way to impress and spoil me. I want to feel that I matter that much to someone as well. But here is a man, two ladies, and he chooses to treat them differently. That means the problem is not with the man in this instance; he's just acting out his nature. He treats according to what he has been taught. Maybe I giggled a lot the first day when he found me reading my book. He was making a lot of sexual jokes and being nervous in the presence of an outspoken, confident man, I giggled and tolerated his jokes.  I knew there was a lot of fixing I had to do and self-love came right on time.

The journey began after God heard my prayers for change. I didn't want to be a woman that loved Him but was used by men and a doormat to everyone. I believe He provided ways to teach me how to love myself. Books would be timely, something somebody says. My experiences would align with His Word and ideas would just be popping in my head. I learned to embrace myself fully. I started first with the physical activities like going for a foot massage even though I considered my feet to be the most ugliest part of me.  I became intentional in buying myself flowers and going on solo-dates. I would always imprint in my mind whilst doing those activities that I deserved it, that I’m lovable, that I’m worthy of the best love and life had to offer. I slowly moved to my psyche the part that is most challenging to work with because of many ingrained untrue beliefs. “They taught you lies about you baby girl”, I’d whisper to myself.  “You are worthy, you are enough. You deserve to live a shameless, guilt-free life. You are deserving of love, care and respect. You deserve to be nurtured, to take up space in this planet. You are worthy of all that love.” Since I place myself in high regards, the people in my life now are at best doing the same (especially the men), and at worst reacting to my self-love journey with animosity and exclusion (especially the women).

Being able to fully love and accept myself is teaching me to do the same for others.  The scripture that says, “Love the Lord Your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as you love yourself” is really making sense to me now. I walked to the shops once to buy a few groceries. Since they were heavy I requested one of the street kids “car guides” to help carry them to my place. He said okay but requested that we wait a few moments for someone who had just entered the shop since he was guarding his car. We waited. The guy came out and gave the boy some coins; and being in a hurry this boy grabbed my groceries in attempt to walk with me. The man hollered at him, called him with his index finger, took him behind his open driver door and harshly pointed at him. I did not hear what he said but this boy, with his hands put together, kept nodding.  The man got in his car and the boy went behind the car to lead him out. That’s when I figured that this man was harshly reprimanding the boy to “finish his job”. He didn’t know that this boy was just in a hurry because he kept another person waiting; he didn’t even care to know. It just made me realize how easy it is for us to jump into conclusions about other people’s intentions without attempting to understand.  I saw the fear in that boy’s eyes, the shame in being unable to explain himself to an angry white man. I saw him as my brother…

Towards the end of the school year, I got into the habit of walking to work. This has been a life changing experience as God opened my eyes to the beauty in the people I came across with everyday. Since I learned to accept myself with all my imperfections I began to also accept what I deemed imperfect with them.  Their loudness, their morning drunkenness, their pride in rushing to work that pays minimal wages I saw beauty in it all. I would challenge myself to greet them and look into their eyes; some would be so happy that I greeted. The construction workers at the back of a van were no longer the “inferior minority”, they were men made in God’s image. The children walking bare feet, with torn clothes and dusty bodies; they were children made in the image of God. I could now experience the love that I have for God and that I have for myself in others. We cannot love other people if we don’t learn to first love ourselves.

Self-love is taking me on an amazing adventure. I am learning so much about myself! As a recovering codependent I used to be frightened by abandonment from loved ones.  Most of the good I did for people in the past was probably because I was afraid that I won’t have their validation anymore.  But self-love is teaching me to be okay with people leaving, people not agreeing with my perception of life, people not telling me the things I want to hear; people loving the best way they can but not  allowing their actions to exploit my fears of abandonment. In fact, those fears are diminishing. Thing is; I learned to be okay on my own. I learned to live with myself alone with my thoughts and feelings. I’ve learned to cry out to my God. I’ve learned to be okay with my own company- thanks to self-love- a regard for my own well-being and happiness.  

Growing up, I always anticipated my mother’s unpredictable moods. As a result I became super alert to people’s moods/emotions, especially anger and withdrawal.  I would feel shame that it was my fault(just by existing) that my mother was that way towards me. (I'm not lamenting on the past, she's way nicer now and I'm working on having a respectful relationship with her). But hat was a pattern I carried throughout my life in friendships and relationships with men. I would believe that I wasn’t worthy of love or attention and I had to do something in order to show that I’m valuable. And when they decided to withdraw their attention from me I felt terrified like the child I used to be. Today, I’m able to hand people back their anger and moods, I know that I am not the cause of their issues. I’m a loving, joyful person whose intentions for you are good, but if you decide to treat me like I’m a burden or too hard to love, then that’s on you. It’s not my responsibility what you think of me. If you choose to mistreat, disrespect , or abuse me, I will remove myself. I am no longer a target of abuse. I will forgive and love you from a distance because self-love gives me no other options.

 

Shedding the Weight Of Codependency

Therapist: … sounds like you’re going through a break up

Me: well…yeah…I don’t know really…

Therapist: What makes your friendship so special?

Me: Our friendship is really genuine.  She’s one of the people who understood and validated me when I felt invisible…and now I just feel like things are different between us. I mean, I’ve lost friends but I don’t get why I’m sadly ruminating on the possibilities of our friendship ending.

Therapist: Don’t you think you were using her to validate you?

Me: I think so…

Therapist: …and now it feels like you’re losing a part of you because she’s no longer doing the things that you need her to do in order for you to feel validated.

Me: I didn’t see it in that way. Guess that explains the mixed feelings I’ve been experiencing regarding my friendship with her lately.

This is a conversation that transpired between my therapist and I a week ago. I was feeling saddened by the possibility of the end of a friendship based on the vibe I got from our texting days before. My therapist made me aware of the fact that the reason I was saddened by the thought of losing this particular friendship is the validation I had received from her all these years. I remembered how she saw my worth and value; how she made me feel accepted, how she listened when I shared my grievances.  I cherished our special moments going out to restaurants/malls, travelling together, going to conferences, and divine moments in joint prayer. Due to the distance and changes in the dynamics of our friendship; we’re not able to do all that we used to do. This I believe is what saddened me and made believe that our friendship was nearing its end.

Hebrews 12: 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

1 Timothy 4:7 Train yourself to be Godly.

Those two verses were my theme as I entered into 2020. I would incorporate them as I meditated on my goal for this year: Let go off anything that entangles you and train yourself to be Godly. I thought it only meant taking a break from social media or letting go off someone who just brought lust and confusion into my life. Only to find out that there are other things I have to entangle myself from such as codependency. I came across this term back in 2016 but didn’t really grasp what it meant. And now after experiences of staying in relationships with men who mistreated me or taking the martyr role of a mother to my cousin’s child or giving out money to sustain friendships- I realized that I am codependent. Codependency teaches us to believe that unless we gain the approval of others, we are unworthy. So, in the past I was striving to gain the approval of my parents and when I discovered recently that I would never get their approval I stopped seeking it  all-together from everyone else. That was the beginning of weaning myself off codependency.

I mentioned a conversation I had with my therapist regarding the fear of losing my friendship because my friend validated me without fail. As a result, I clung to our friendship making sure that I’d do anything to sustain it. A slight of indifference or distance in communication would scratch my abandonment wound. As I sat with my therapist it dawned on me that perhaps my friend had filled some of the parental void I had experienced which really is not healthy on my side. Love should be the foundation of a friendship not validation seeking.  I have a colleague who also listens to, understands and validates me often.  That resulted once again in me overvaluing her opinions and depending on her to make decisions for my life and to validate me. One day I got into an altercation with another colleague in her presence. This colleague had always been abusive towards me- alternating hot and cold (Jekyll and Hyde) yet nice to other people and on that particular day it was no different. I was saying something holding an invigilation time table and this colleague grabbed it saying, “What is this person saying.” I felt tie-knots in my tummy by how he’d always managed to make me feel inferior or treat me with contempt in front of people yet showed respect to them. Angrily and with tears, I confronted him on that and left the room.

Later on my colleague told me she didn’t see anything wrong with what that guy did and felt like I had overreacted. The person who had always validated my perceptions and emotions was disagreeing with me in a situation that made me feel abused. I felt extremely disappointed because I expected her to validate me. I’m taking that weight off other people and learning to validate myself.  It’s not right for someone to speak to me in the third person the way this colleague did. It’s not right that he calls me ugly and old; telling me no one will ever want me. It's not right that he tries to isolate me and cause divisive tactics between my colleagues and I. It’s not right that he comes in the office one morning deciding not to speak to me but chooses to be nice to everyone else and only speaks to me when it suits him!  I have a right to be angry and confront such abusive behavior if needs be; and I’m never going to place that burden upon anyone else to tell me what to feel or to validate my perceptions. Thank God He bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19 says, "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."

Back in 2017 when I was seeing a toxic so-called pastor, I went to his church with him. When we got there; he told me that he usually sits in the front so I had to find where I’m going to sit. He walked fast ahead of me demonstrating that he didn’t want to sit with me. When I got home I told my mother about the incident and she went and told my father. My father said; “A seat is a seat. What is the big deal about a seat?” Although I was sad, what he said made me doubt my perceptions. Now that I don’t need his approval anymore I realize that’s just how misogynistic men treat women – after all that’s how he treats my mother! I am breaking that cycle of succumbing to generational abuse. I refuse to have my perceptions twisted by people who normalize abnormal behavior, who condition me to accept less and who silence me when I need to speak up! I am being freed from codependency.

Just yesterday I was speaking with this friend of mine on video chat; her other friend called her and she told me she had to hang up as her friend was calling. I said Okay. She called again and as we laughed and talked her friend called again; and yet again she told me to hang up so that she could answer her friend’s phone. Had I not had that discussion with my therapist I would’ve felt like a second class friend just the way my parents had always treated me as compared to my sister.  It’s not my friend’s weight to validate me; I’m learning to do that for myself. I’m not going to cling on to one particular friendship because friends play various roles in our lives. I'm going to follow Jesus and make Him my Best friend! She has a right to speak or not to speak to anyone she chooses to at any given moment- and I choose to love her not to seek validation from her.

 Let go off everything (people’s opinions, their treatment of you, fear of losing stuff/people, overthinking, envy, comparison, sin) and train yourself to be Godly.

Lisa Romano says, “Whenever we are dependent upon a relationship for a sense of self, we are in more trouble than we realize. When our state of being-ness relies on what people do, don’t do, say, don’t say, we are in essence, placing our mind power in the hands of something we cannot control. When our state of calm relies on whether or not someone feels the way we would like them to, or think, or does, or believes in the things we do, we shackle our spirit to the unconscious ego and throw our right to experience freedom away. When our sense of self depends on another flawed human being loving us, accepting us, and finding worth in us, we blind ourselves to the great source of all life that exists in our DNA. You are an extension of the magnificent source of all that is and as an adult; you no longer need to lay in wait of your right to experience happiness.  Let NO person hold you hostage. Let NO relationship shackle you to your ego. Let NO thing that happens outside of you prevent you from bonding with the power within! Depend on no one for your sense of self-worth. Depend on no one to make you feel enough. Depend on no one but yourself to make your dreams come true.”

Universal Red Flags

When you are in a toxic relationship, there are some "Universal Red Flags" you'll experience according to Sandra Brown in her book, HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN BEFORE YOU GET INVOLVED. She says that a wise woman will memorize, pay attention to, and utilize these signs as opportunities to reexamine the relationship- or to exit, if necessary. Here are some of them:

1) You feel uncomfortable about something he has said or done, and the feeling remains.

2) You feel mad or scared, or he reminds you of someone else you know with a serious problem.

3) You wish he would go away, you want to cry, or you want to run.

4) You dread his phone call.

5) You are often bored with him.

6) You think no one else in his life understands him.

7) You think no one else in his life has ever really loved him or helped him.

8) You want to "love him into emotional wellness".

9) You think you can help him "change" or "fix" his life.

10) You let him borrow money from you or your friends.

11) You feel bad about yourself when you are around him.

12) You feel he wants too much from you.

13) You are emotionally tired from dealing with him and feel he "sucks the life out of you."

14) Your value system and his are very different; you frequently are not on the same page about your beliefs, and it is problematic.

15) Your past and his are very different, and the two of you have conflicts over it.

16) You tell friends you are "unsure about the relationship."

17) You feel isolated from other relationships with friends and family. 

18) You think he's too charming or a little "too good to be true."

19) You feel in the wrong because he is always right and goes to great lengths to show you he is right.

20) You are uncomfortable because he continually says he knows what is best for you.

21) You notice he needs you too frequently, too much, or too intensely.

22) You wonder if he really understands you or instead just claims to.

23) You are uncomfortable because he has touched you inappropriately or too soon.

24) You notice he quickly discloses information about his past or his emotional pain.

25) You sense he's pushing too quickly for emotional connection.

26) Although you don't believe it, he claims to feel an immediate connection with you (a sign of false intimacy)

27) You see him pushing too quickly to get sexually involved with you, and you find yourself willing to abandon your sexual boundaries with him.

28) You see him as a chameleon; you notice how soon he tells you about his earlier failed relationships and about his previous partners and their flaws.

29) You notice he mostly talks about himself, his plans, and his future.

30) You notice he spends a lot of time watching violent movies or TV or playing violent video games; he can be preoccupied with violence, death or destruction.

31) You have heard him confess to a current or previous drug addiction.

32) You have information about major relationship problems that he handled poorly.

33) He confesses he's been violent in the past or uses drugs or alcohol when stressed.

34) You know he has multiple children by multiple partners, is inconsistent in paying child support, and rarely sees his children; you find yourself blaming the mother of his children for these behaviours.

35) You find yourself accepting him "for now", even though you have plenty of red flags that would help you terminate the relationship if you paid attention to them.

36) You make excuses about why you are dating him.

37)You make excuses for his character and minimize his behaviour.

Going through this list has helped me identify any red flags I also posses. It also enables me to see and break the patterns that made me avoid those red flags in a dangerous man. My focus is mainly on my healing though. I am growing and becoming whole; never looking back! 

Healing The Inner Child

The Corona Virus Pandemic is upon the entire world and every country has had to experience various levels of lockdown. For most; this is a perfect time to be alone with ourselves, our thoughts and experience our emotions. Some are taking advantage of this time to improve themselves. My sister; for instance; took this time to sell food to the residents in the complex she lives in and as a result; has been generating a lot of income. My best friend has been working on her emotional being and fully preparing herself psychologically to bounce back stronger in the world around her. My other friend has immersed himself in his Master’s thesis and a colleague has been working on her research proposal. Truly, this is an inspiring time for those who make the most of it!

I have also been making the most of this time- healing my inner child. This is a vigorous process which began eight years ago when Jesus Christ saved me. The lockdown is a perfect time to silence down and deeply connect with that inner child. I’ve had to ask myself many questions such as: “Why have I always attracted narcissistic men?” “Why am I codependent on friends and colleagues to validate me?” “Why do I make decisions and then doubt my perceptions?” “Why do I think that being slender is what makes a person worthy of good things?” Tough questions I know, but I’ve had to stop living in fantasy and face the reality of who I really am. I’ve had to ask God to help me remove those beliefs implanted in my inner child that are hurtful and causes me to be stuck.

My sister was on the phone with my mom the other day. Put on loud speaker; my mom unashamedly said, “Tell Titi not to eat too much so that she can lose weight and be beautiful as she goes into this new venture in her life.” It was quite disturbing; but for the first time in my life it really clicked that I am not the one with the issue here. I’ve assimilated lies from childhood about my worth as a person but I’m really  not the one with the issue here. Every time my mother body shames me it makes it difficult to believe that she actually loves and accepts me at all. However; during this time ruminating on that thought has been the least of my concerns. I am fully experiencing God’s love for me. He loves us simply for just being us and for no other reason. My inner child didn’t know this so she sought love and validation from opportunistic men and in all the wrong places.

During this time it also “clicked” on another level that the view I have of God is just not the same as that of my earthly father. God doesn’t belittle His children; nor does He ignore them. He protects and fights for us, He has no favoritism. He’s involved in every detail of our lives. I realize that I’m in a company of many people with ‘daddy issues’ and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. One man from CoDa said, “I’m still learning how my father mistreated me from the time I first came into this world. Even now, when I try to express myself strongly or creatively around him, he still refutes, negates, invalidates, shames, or patronizes me. He’s done that all my life to me and to others in my family, but bring someone from outside the family and he turns on his people-pleasing charm. So at the age of 52, I have and 82-year-old dad with whom I am still trying to communicate. I’ve learned not to expect much.” This explained my situations and made me realize how pointless it is expecting something different from someone who has shown me all these years that he’s incapable of giving it to me.

As I’m healing my inner child I’m experiencing many emotions; and oh this lockdown is not making it easy! I can’t escape to work but have to sit through it all. I have to call upon the name of Jesus to help me as I feel tremendous hurt, grief and anger for the things any child deserves but did not get. I have to fight the resistance to stay bitter, accept my parents for who they are and find peace in all that’s happened to that child within me. Sometimes I love her but sometimes I hate her for the embarrassment she’s put me through! Sometimes I push her away but sometimes I embrace her. I tell her, “Baby girl; it was not your fault” but sometimes I say, “Why did you have to put yourself through all that!” That little girl was going from man to man attempting to prove that her weight did not make her unlovable. She succumbed to peer- pressure to fit in. She continues attracting emotionally unavailable,-narcissistic men; and wide-eyed she still looks to others for validation. I’m thankful to God for bringing all this to my attention because now I’m motivated to change and birth some new things in my life. I’m confident that I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living (Psalm27:13).

After the lockdown; like my friends above; I will leave a totally new person. I doubt I’ll cross paths with abusive men anymore, they won’t even know that I exist. As God changes me helping me gravitate towards a belief system that's healthy; I will have no choice but to attract healthy and whole individuals. I will leave here knowing that the validation that matters most comes from me. I will learn to love myself unconditionally and not let people’s views of me cripple me. I will soar to greater heights and become the best version of myself that God intended me to be. I will soothe my inner child and tell her, “Baby girl it's all well now. We're okay and we're winning!”

Loved. Blessed. Validated. Fearfully and Wonderfully made. Deserving of the best. 

Enduring Loneliness

The past Friday I felt extreme loneliness. How was I going to survive the entire weekend! I thought of doing things to help ease the void and loneliness I felt. Nothing helped. Tinder. Why not find someone on Tinder I can pass time with and get rid of the loneliness. And so there I was downloading the app and creating a profile once again. After my experience of getting emotionally connected with people from dating apps and social media, I resolved to never seek love or companionship from people online. Yet there I was again compelled by loneliness to just try one more time.

Before creating the profile I prayed. I asked God for His protection and guidance. Personally; going on Tinder again was not the right thing for me but I felt that my happiness lies in my hands so I have to find a way to put myself at ease. Funny enough instead of viewing men’s profiles this time around, I went on to view women’s profiles. I wanted to see what kind of women are on Tinder. And…they’re beautiful, smart, well-traveled and all. I got a sense that there was no way I was going to compete with these women since the men I’d be talking to would also be talking to these women. And just like that I lost interest, deactivated my profile and deleted the app! I thank God for His guidance because deep down I knew that I was not supposed to return to Tinder. It’s a place for hookups mostly, a breeding ground for players and time wasters, a ton of fun for the non-committal, and a business opportunity for con-artists and scammers! All these deceivers posing as love seekers. 

That same time, I came across an article that helped me tremendously in overcoming the loneliness I felt. Such incidents re-affirm my belief that God is actively involved in our lives and wants to help us in every step we take. The young, inexperienced Christian me would have said, “Why would you go on Tinder! You must crucify your feelings and seek God more!” But now I know that even when we go through our feelings and experience them; we should never forget that God is ever present with us. We should never stop asking Him for protection, guidance, wisdom, and grace to help us in our life journey. I learn that I stopped “performing” in order for me to win God’s approval; my deeds don’t make Him bless me. He’s already blessed me inspite of me so I live freely knowing that I am His beloved daughter and I will give an account for the way I lived my life to Him some day. “Be cheerful and enjoy life while you are young! Do what you want and find pleasure in what you see. But don’t forget that God will judge you for everything you do” (Ecclesiastes 11:9). And it’s good to note C. S Lewis’ statement in Mere Christianity, that God does not judge us according to our behavior but according to our motives.

He knows that my motive for going on Tinder is a desire for love and companionship hence I stumbled upon that article right when I needed it. He was so compassionate and loving to me; knowing that I needed love but was not willing to receive His but went looking for it from the place I shouldn't have gone to. After reading that article I was able to shift my mind from feeling lonely to feeling empowered by writing the following statement:

I am very happy because I am comfortable with who I am and my solitude. I can spend many nights alone and bear the loneliness. I love being alone and taking myself out on dates. I focus on myself and on my goals. I know what I want and what is important to me, so I go for it. I’m a go-getter, I work on myself, I learn new things, I improve my skills, and I go after my dreams and make them true. My purpose in life has nothing to do with finding a man. I don’t chase after guys- I chase after my dreams and the future I’m striving to build for myself. I enjoy my single life. The idea that I might not get married does not scare me. This time of my life is not deafening but inspiring. When I meet someone to be in a relationship with, it is going to be someone who’ll challenge me and push me forward. Someone who’ll have my back and encourage me to conquer the world. Someone who’ll be proud and happy for my successes. Someone who’ll find it appealing that I don’t sacrifice myself and plans for him. Because I’m strong, I never loose myself in the process of loving someone. I won’t ever minimize my morals, hopes and dreams to match those of my partner’s. I’m going to be in a fulfilling happy relationship because I’m looking for someone who will add more happiness and joy in my life than I already have. I’m seeking someone who’ll make me feel even more loved and stronger than I am. Someone who’s fulfilled and happy on his own. I will wait patiently for such a relationship.

Saying this on a daily basis and really believing it helps me a great deal in enduring this season of my life.