Tell Them Who You Are

 

I was visiting my parents for the weekend which was a relatively good one. On a Sunday afternoon after a warm meal cooked by my mom, I decided to wash the dishes. Just as I was getting started my dad came in sarcastically questioning me about the place I placed the dishes (which were on top of the freezer) and not on a table. He took the dishes and tried to place them on the table asking, “Why don’t you place the dishes on the table? Don’t you know that they can move?” I looked at him puzzled. What was the big deal about where I prefer to place the dishes that I decided to wash? My dad has always found ways in my childhood to try to make me feel inferior about insignificant things. But as a child I could not see them as insignificant because his opinion and perception of me meant everything to me. I felt anger during the incident recalling one event as a child. He had asked me to bring him “powder soap” so I ran to the kitchen cupboards eager to please him to look for the powder soap. As I stood in front of the cupboard looking for an object written powder soap on it, he came in. Standing behind me he asked, “Where is the powder soap?” I scratched my head still looking for it. “Don’t you know what a powder soap is?, he asked laughing sarcastically. He moved his way to the cupboard and took out the usual SURF/OMO with pride. Even though no one had ever taught me that those are called powder soaps, I felt very stupid. So when he asked me about the dishes, I realized his attempt to inferiorate me. With anger, I left the dishes and went on to do something else.

As I was busy with my activity, I felt intense anger boiling through me. The more he attempted to talk to me coolly, the angrier I became and the more I avoided him. As I was reflecting on the incident I saw him as a little boy. I’m not saying that he is- that’s just how I saw him at that moment. A small boy attempting to make me feel how he probably felt within. I have come to believe that the people in our lives who are cruel, resentful, and jealous and try to make our lives a nightmare do that because they’re unhappy with their own lives. It’s really not personal. If we allow ourselves to be their easy targets by continuing seeking their validation even when they’re incapable of giving it to us, they’ll continue being that way to us but other people. The conclusion that I came up with after my reflection i.e feeling the angry feelings, accepting and releasing them in prayer, was that no one was ever going to anger me again whether it’s a father, a mother, a sister, a colleague, a friend- not even a circumstance. Epictetus said, “Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him”. When I was a child I was an easy target for my dad’s belittling comments, but as an adult I managed to make him aware that I wasn’t happy with his behavior. I sent him a text, “I have been displaying my gratitude to you for all your kindness and generosity. However, there are some grievances I’d like to state. Papa, please stop making me feel inferior. I’m an adult who’s capable of accomplishing great tasks!” He called immediately and profusely apologized. In the place of anger, there was now compassion. In the place of shame, there was now empathy. He is a human being capable of making mistakes, capable of getting away with unfair treatment if not called to order. It is our responsibility to tell and show people who we truly are.

I got a text message from my colleague the other day. He was profusely apologizing for something he did to me earlier at work. Unable to recall any incident where I felt offended, I asked, “What happened today?” He didn’t tell me but kept apologizing. I was no longer interested in what happened anymore because it could have the power to trigger me so I replied, “Don’t worry about it- it’s all in the past. Tomorrow is a new day!” I was amazed to see that I have reached such a level of joy, self-love, self-acceptance that a colleague who used to trigger me more than anyone besides my parents had no power over me anymore. Attending therapy is life-changing! Looking at my emotional state now I can recall my first few sessions with my therapist, I was a hot mess! If a greeting was not returned, it would trigger me. If I was excluded and invalidated, I was triggered. I remember going to bed almost every night with a broken spirit desperately praying to God to make people be nice to me. I consider that a waste of my time although God was probably more about my motives rather than my words. Some of the prayers we make are made to control other people instead of taking an inventory look at ourselves. I was no longer going to abstain from sex for years only to be duped again by a smart man. I was no longer going to be quiet when I feel strongly about an opinion regardless of how others take it. I was no longer going to chase unavailable people who are incapable of giving me what I need and spend endless tears in prayer asking God to change them! I was going to do the work. I was going to sit in a session with my Therapist who pointed out the changes I needed to make. I was going to journal, I was going to feel my feelings, I was going to limit my social media and TV viewing, I was going to search for veterans and mentors who could carry me to where I need to be. I was going to cry out to God to change me!

Eckhart Tolle said, “Where there is anger there’s always pain underneath.” So when you see people easily triggered by other people and circumstances, they are probably living in the past recalling their bad experiences. My Therapist once said to me, “Differentiate other people i.e your co-workers, friends from your parents. Those people are not your parents.” That was life changing as it helped me stay in the present, dealing with the situation at hand and not think I was cursed at birth. I learned that it was my responsibility to develop self-control with regards to my emotions. “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls” says Proverbs 25:28. We are in charge of what goes on inside of us. We should know where our buttons are so that when they are pressed we are aware. Awareness is everything! My buttons used to be the fear of abandonment, the fear of being excluded and invalidated, the fear of being seen as stupid…but my dear, I dare you to press those buttons now- you won’t get any reaction from me L.O.L! I now validate myself. I am not afraid to call myself intelligent, smart, wise, beautiful, phenomenal, worthy, enough, deserving because that’s who I really am. I show it in the way I prioritize myself and the way I love and take care of myself. I don’t pray anymore for people to “see” me I just thank God for saving, choosing, redeeming and delivering me through the Blood Of His Son Jesus Christ!