"When one relationship ends, it creates room for another to begin. You are never too old, or too damaged, or too fill-in-the-blank to experience love at the deepest level. Your mind may tell you these things from time to time, but this is the voice of the judge and the victim, not the voice of truth. At the same time, the most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. You are the only person with whom you will spend your entire life, so if you don't bring unconditional love to your body, mind, and spirit, it can make for an unpleasant existence. This is true whether you have a partner or not."-Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. & Heatherrash Amara (THE SEVEN SECRETS TYO HEALTHY, HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS)
“You deserve the affection that you kept trying to pour into
others. You deserve the same motivation that you tried to inspire in others.
You deserve the high of happy, without the low of sadness. You deserve the joy
of being spoiled, without the catch of having to repay. You deserve the relaxation of trust, without
the paranoia of betrayal. You deserve to be confident, without the reminder to
be humble. You deserve to look at your reflection with eyes of awe, not judgment.
You deserve to be held forever, not for a night. You deserve to be first,
second, and third. You deserve to have everything you want. You deserve this
power. It is who you are and who you will always be. Men don’t love women like
you. They worship them.”- G.L Lambert (MEN
DON’T LOVE WOMEN LIKE YOU)
"During counselling sessions I've had with emotional predators, some have verbalized their targets. One said, 'I like a certain vulnerability to her- that she trusts humanity without asking for proof. Maybe she's been hurt a lot so there is a woundedness to her. Women who are uneducated about the way the real world works are good too. That naivete and vulnerability makes them believe you, because they need to believe you.' Another said, 'I like the mentally weak- women who have been pounded down by men and those with childhoods that weren't so good. They are particularly easy.' A third said, 'I'm good. I can read the room. Their body language, how they are shy with their eyes, or how they react to a mere compliments sets the stage for my work. Although all the women aren't just shy. Some overcompensate and try to be flashy or cocky. But I know it's the same message underneath. I know what women want and need. It's that easy."-Sandra L. Brown (How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved)
"Predator's motives vary. But you can be sure a predator wants something from you. That is the entire reason for the relationship. He isn't merely interested in a date. A predator, by definition, hunts and uses for his own gain. There is something in you or in your life that he wants. Maybe 'all' he wants is your utter adoration or for you to exalt his ego. Maybe he wants to move in with you so that he can sponge off of you and not work. Maybe he wants your money, or maybe he wants what you can provide to help establish his image. Or maybe, he's most interested in the pursuit and conquest of a woman, to the point where he has a hard time accepting it when she tries to break things off with him. If you escape a predator who has these as his only motives, and not death as many of them do, you should count your blessings that things did not go further and learn from the experience."-Sandra L. Brown (How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved)
"I would protect him even if he wasn't protecting me. I gave selfless love to a selfish person and he emptied me out. I had nothing left. I couldn't feel anything anymore, nor did I want to. I didn't want to face the feeling my heart had each time I heard a new name. Like physical pain palpating my soul. He hurt me over and over again. The aching became normal and there were no more tears left to cry. I bled for him. Poured my soul out. Tried to fill him up. He was the only addiction I've ever had. He lifted me up and then dropped me into a thousand different pieces. Each time he gave me hope, I was on cloud nine, addicted to the lie that we would be alright."-Sarah Jakes (Lost & Found)
"You've gotta have a relationship based on something other than air and a damn good imagination. I appreciate that you want to be romantic but when you write your 'fairy-tale' write it with a strong character with values. Write it with love, truth, integrity, and care. Write it where you envision yourself at your most positive, living a life that reflects the positive you within, as opposed to the negative beliefs that are propelling you from relationship to relationship. Don't cast yourself as a 'heroin' getting love from a 'villain' or an unresponsive, uncaring, so-called 'prince'. Instead of thinking about relationships in terms of big fantasy-speak, focus on solid foundations so that you don't get yanked in by the smoke and mirrors of someone who can flash the gestures or the cash for a time but can't actually cough up a committed relationship where you feel good in it."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"Love isn't about having the power to change someone, especially when their rule is not something healthy. People get different results because they stop believing that thinking and doing the same thing is going to achieve different results. They accept the rule. Even if they subsequently take risks, they have the rule as their baseline and they opt out of danger. Many are remarkable with the rule- there are people out there who have healthy, mutually fulfilling, love-filled relationships without having to feel like shit all the time and living in drama and ambiguity-that could be you."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
While there are some 'lucky' people out there (and that's really only based on what we perceive them to be or what they've let us think they are), the great majority of people who experience exceptional results are part of creating that. They don't wait around for people to give them the perfect job, for the planets to align, for people to change, for someone else to invent it, or for their circumstances to change. Your life isn't a dress rehearsal and there's no man that 'completes you'; you complete you and that elusive feeling will remain elusive as long as you put the responsibility for your happiness and your completeness in someone else's hands. Yes you'd have a hazy glow for a while if someone swept you off your feet tomorrow, but no matter what happens, you still have to live with you and how you feel about yourself, so you wont be getting that fairy tale if you don't learn how to love yourself."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"The flip side of breaking up- and here's the BEST NEWS part- is that you are also breaking free from a relationship that wasn't working. Freedom means no more agonizing, no more drama, and no more time wasted on someone who wasn't appreciative of who you really are. Freedom means you can redesign your life and the sky's the limit- you can make all things you hoped for in your relationship, all your dreams about what love should be and feel and look like, and find a guy who will actually make them happen. During this time when you feel decimated and powerless, remember that you are still in control of at least one thing- yourself. And while you can't make someone take a back a breakup, you do get a say in what happens next. You get to decide whether to use this situation as a turning point, and be dignified in your grief, or let it overtake you and hold you back. So start now, start today. Don't be a victim of heartbreak, be a take-charge super-star!"-Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (It's Called A BREAKUP Becasue It's Broken)
"You're not wrong for wanting to love or to be loved, it's just that in not giving it to yourself, you've made mistakes en route and drawn in inappropriate people. Take comfort in the fact that you know more now than you've ever known, and do something with your knowledge. Live the best you that you can be. Stop making excuses for these men. Stop sticking at their side pushing your love on them and hoping they'll finally give in and love you, and take a chance on you. Love you."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"Meet Mr Unavailable, the emotionally, physically, and spiritually unavailable man that enjoys the fringe benefits of a relationship such as a shag, an ego strike and shoulder to lean on, without truly committing to you. You know him well: ambiguous, tricky to read, blows hot and cold, backs off when you come too close, chases you when you cut him off, has a list of excuses as long as his arm, and with actions rarely matching his words. He's probably the most popular man to date as he tends to straddle the fence between 'nice guy' and 'bad boy'. Only doing things on his terms, he's mastered the art of getting all the trappings of a relationship, often by creating the illusion of a promised loaf and chucking you crumbs of attention and affection instead. Put on a pedestal by every woman he becomes involved with, he throws out just enough promise to have you betting on potential but he perpetually disappoints. He's the man that doesn't commit- to you, to action, to his emotions- and as a result he's a limited man, with a limited capacity for commitment, creating limited relationships."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"If you can't date with your self-esteem in tow, you need to stop dating until you can. Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl will help you stop being a passenger in shady, depleting relationships and to stop treating these broken men like they're messiahs while you're someone who has to clamor around them for crumbs of attention, affection, and hints of commitment. These crumbs don't become loaves and will leave you hungry for a real relationship. I want you to read this book and recognize that you need the loaf, a whole loaf, and nothing but the loaf."--Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"It's not your job to run around catching men as they fall out of their relationships. Nor is it your job to let them default to or 'fall back' on you repeatedly, let them enjoy the fringe benefits without the commitment, or let them keep you as an option in their back pocket."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"You can stop making problems that existed long before you came along your responsibility. It's not about you. When you stop seeing Mr Unavailable through a lens that says their behaviors are directly linked to your worth as a person, you start to see in them an independent, individual entity that more often than not has form for this behavior, often with a track record that would have you falling off your seat in shock."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"When a woman feels happier about herself and her life without the man in her life, there doesn't seem any point in being with him."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"I don't have to allow anyone in my life who does not know how to treat me with respect. Everyone doesn't have to like me, but they do have to respect me."- Peggy S (Co-dependents Anonymous)
"Some people simply are not meant to stay forever. Some people come into our lives for a season, for a reason, for the simple purpose of showing us the world in a way we would never have seen it otherwise."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"You're putting your heart back together and you want to do it properly before you jump feet-first into something new. You know that someday you'll love someone else- that the capacity for affection and belonging is not lost on you and that you're not going to end up alone. You're not broken or hopeless or loveless just because your heart is aching- you are simply healing yourself. And when you're done, there will be a whole new world waiting for you."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"It is hard to get over a cheater because a betrayal of trust turns your world upside down. And the only way to flip it right-side up again is to give ourselves permission to work through it. To accept what happened. To mourn someone we hate. To grieve a relationship we walked away from. To work through every paradoxical situation we encounter, until we come through on the other side. The side with a clean slate. The side where we don't just suspect that we deserve better- we know. And the side where we are proud of ourselves for never accepting any less."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"You can make it work with someone who wants different things than you. It's been done countless times. If one wants a steady 9-5 and the other wants to endlessly roam the globe, you can find an in-between. One can settle down or the other can speed up or you can find a satiated in-between where both of you are half-way to happy. But is this the life either of you really want? Is this the life you'll be happy with when you look back at it? Will you be glad that you compromised and put aside your desires for another person? If the answer is yes, then you're set. Some compromises are worth it. But if the answer is no, then I encourage you to move on. To cut the cord. To do the hard thing that none of us want to do, and to go pursue the life you wish you were living."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"If there's one thing we all need to stop doing, it's waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you've been waiting for. Live your life as if you are the love of it. Because that's the only thing you know for sure- that through every triumph, every failure, every fear and every gain that you will ever experience until the day you die, you are going to be present. You are going to be the person who shows up to accept your rewards. You are going to be the person who holds your hand when you're broken. You are going to be the person who gets yourself up off the floor every time you get knocked down and if those things are not love-of-your-life qualities, I don't know what are. Stop looking for The One to spend the rest of your life with. be The One."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"The people we meet at the wrong time are actually just the wrong people. You never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people are timeless. The right people make you want to throw away the plans you originally had for one and follow them into the hazy, unknown future without a glance backwards. The right people don't make you hmm and haw about whether or not you want to be with them; you just know. You know that any adventure you had originally planned out for your future isn't going to be half as incredible as the adventures you could have by their side. That no matter what you thought you wanted before, this is better. Everything is better since they came along. When you are with the right person, time falls away. You don't worry about fitting them into your complicated schedule, because they become a part of that schedule. They become the backbone of it. Your happiness becomes your priority and so long as they are contributing to it, you can work around the rest"-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"The right people don't stand in the way of the things you once wanted and make you choose them over them. The right people encourage you: To try harder, dream bigger, do better. They bring out the most incredible parts of yourself and make you want to fight harder than ever before. The right people don't impose limits on your time or your dreams or your abilities. They want to tackle those mountains with you, and they don't care how much time it takes. With the right person, you have all of the time in the world."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"Someday someone's going to love all of those tiny things about you. Someone's going to love the way you cough. They're going to laugh at the way you lose your keys while you're actually holding them. Someday, someone is going to stare at you from across a crowded room and know exactly how you're feeling based on the way your head is tilting or the type of wine you've used to fill your glass. Someone is going to appreciate all of your obscurities eventually but right now they are all only your own. And that's okay. First and foremost, you will always belong to yourself."- Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"If someone learns that no matter what they do, you'll be there, they learn that that there are no consequences to be felt and in essence, what they're doing becomes acceptable. It also means that they don't fear losing you because they don't think that they're in a position to lose you. It's only by consistently demonstrating that you're no longer 'there', that you can effectively convey a different message to someone who has learned over time that you're 'reliable', albeit for the wrong reasons. This isn't about getting this person to 'miss' you so that you can get back together; NO CONTACT communicates that it may have been a long time coming, but you do have boundaries, there are negative consequences to what has happened between you both, and that the access or the privileges that they've previously enjoyed have been revoked. Each time you stand firm in your NC position while also treating yourself with love, care, trust and respect, you learn healthier responses to what have previously been tricky situations for you. Being able to sit through your feelings, to talk yourself out of breaking NC, to remind yourself of the reality as opposed to the illusions and essentially not falling for the same con numerous times keeps you in the present instead of living in the past or betting on a potential that's already let you down. If they want someone to get an ego stroke, shag, a shoulder to lean on, or whatever it is they need,you're not the person so they need to jog along to someone else. The litmus test of all this is, if you develop a healthier relationship with yourself, which will result in healthier beliefs about love and relationships, will you still want this person? Will you still love him/her? Will you still be breaking your neck to see when you can next make contact with them? Unlikely. If you have a pattern with this person or a general pattern of unhealthy behavior and thinking in your relationships, it's time to make the choice that if loving someone means that you can't love, care, trust and respect yourself, always and with no equivocations, choose you."- Natalie Lue (THE NO CONTACT RULE)
"If you allow every single interaction with partners and dates to inform your identity, and those people are unhealthy partners who may take advantage of or even abuse you, you'll be left with very little self-esteem. In taking on their baggage along with your own, they end up leaving you with some of theirs when they go. This is why it will feel as if you're losing a piece of you when it's over because they're the source of your value and until you learn to like and love yourself, perspective is missing. It's also critical to recognize that the type of person who tends to require NC isn't rejecting you but they are rejecting what they don't want to be or do, including: having to love, having to communicate, having to be emotionally available, having to care, having to empathize, having to recognize someone's needs other than their own, having to trust or be trusted, having to be relied upon, having to be respectful, having to respect your boundaries, having to be committed, having to be expected or needed, having to deliver the words that come come out of their mouths, having to make an effort, and having to be conscientious with integrity."-Natalie Lue (THE NO CONTACT RULE)
"When someone wants out of a relationship or doesn't want to get into one, or just is quite simply incompatible with you having your self-esteem in tow, it's a signal that you need to halt. If they want to be out of the relationship, why don't you want to be out of the relationship? What are they seeing that you're not seeing? What are you seeing that they're not seeing? If they don't want you, why do you want them? If they don't want a relationship with you, why do you want one with them? You are throwing your love at people that don't want or truly value it enough for you to be continuing to give them the time of day. Loving someone doesn't give you an IOU. You're so trapped in your feelings that you've projected those on to this person. You have to realize that what you think, want and need is not the same as what they think, want and need. You can love some one but they don't have to love you back and they don't have to accept your love. If they don't see your love and value it, your'e wasting your time."-Natalie Lue (THE NO CONTACT RULE)
"Remember, you're a woman. You are a lady. Ladies don't chase after men. Men come to women. It is unnatural for a woman to search in desperation for a man."-Kara King
"You need to have some valuable life goals that you are working on. By having these goals you are making a strong statement to the men in your life. You're saying: No one is important than me. I don't have time for games. When you are with me, you better make it worth my time, or I won't waste my time with you the next time I'm free. I have a lot to offer. I require respect because I respect myself enough to make a better life for myself. I can take care of myself and I don't need a man. If I choose to be with you, it is because I wanted to be with you, not because I needed to be with you."- Kara King
"If you decide that from now on you'll be attracted to the way a man treats you, above all other superficial things, you'll never be sad ever again. You'll always be happy. You won't get used for sex. You will be asked out on dates. You won't cry. You won't be lied to, cheated on, ignored or abused. You won't feel lonely. You'll be happy and respected by the men you allow into your life. All of these wonderful things will happen in your relationships, simply because you choose to only be attracted to men who treat you well."- Kara King
"You need to say to yourself and to the men in your life, 'The #1 thing that turns me on in a man is the way he treats me.' Once you believe it you can vocalize it to any potential man in your life. If you believe it yourself, he will believe you. If he believes you, he'll know he has to be a good man if he wants to be with you. The following are examples of things a GOOD man will do: He calls when he says he will. He doesn't stand you up to go with his friends. He isn't caught telling little lies. He wants to spend his time with you. He picks up the phone when you call. You can depend on him. He helps you with your problems. He doesn't disappear. He's waiting to have sex, he isn't pressuring you into sex. Yes, these kind of men do exist! They aren't extinct. They are out there. I promise."- Kara King
"Lust kills. Lust is the most important thing in my life; it takes priority over me. Captive to lust, I cannot be myself. Lust makes me its slave; it kills my freedom; it kills me. Lust always wants more; lust creates more lust. Lust is jealous; it wants to posses me. Lust makes me self-obsessed; it drives me into myself. Lust makes sex impossible without lust. Lust destroys the ability to love; it kills love. Lust destroys the ability to receive love; it kills me. Lust creates guilt-unavoidably; and guilt has to be expiated. Lust makes part of me want to die because I can't bear what I'm doing I'm doing to myself and my powerlessness over it. Increasingly, I direct this guilt and self-hatred inward and outward. Lust is destructive to me and those around me. Lust kills the spirit; my spirit is me. Lust kills me."- Sexaholoics Anonymous
"Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving. That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is a choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction- the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another."- Gary Chapman (The Five Love Languages)
"Predator's motives vary. But you can be sure a predator wants something from you. That is the entire reason for the relationship. He isn't merely interested in a date. A predator, by definition, hunts and uses for his own gain. There is something in you or in your life that he wants. Maybe 'all' he wants is your utter adoration or for you to exalt his ego. Maybe he wants to move in with you so that he can sponge off of you and not work. Maybe he wants your money, or maybe he wants what you can provide to help establish his image. Or maybe, he's most interested in the pursuit and conquest of a woman, to the point where he has a hard time accepting it when she tries to break things off with him. If you escape a predator who has these as his only motives, and not death as many of them do, you should count your blessings that things did not go further and learn from the experience."-Sandra L. Brown (How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved)
"I would protect him even if he wasn't protecting me. I gave selfless love to a selfish person and he emptied me out. I had nothing left. I couldn't feel anything anymore, nor did I want to. I didn't want to face the feeling my heart had each time I heard a new name. Like physical pain palpating my soul. He hurt me over and over again. The aching became normal and there were no more tears left to cry. I bled for him. Poured my soul out. Tried to fill him up. He was the only addiction I've ever had. He lifted me up and then dropped me into a thousand different pieces. Each time he gave me hope, I was on cloud nine, addicted to the lie that we would be alright."-Sarah Jakes (Lost & Found)
"You've gotta have a relationship based on something other than air and a damn good imagination. I appreciate that you want to be romantic but when you write your 'fairy-tale' write it with a strong character with values. Write it with love, truth, integrity, and care. Write it where you envision yourself at your most positive, living a life that reflects the positive you within, as opposed to the negative beliefs that are propelling you from relationship to relationship. Don't cast yourself as a 'heroin' getting love from a 'villain' or an unresponsive, uncaring, so-called 'prince'. Instead of thinking about relationships in terms of big fantasy-speak, focus on solid foundations so that you don't get yanked in by the smoke and mirrors of someone who can flash the gestures or the cash for a time but can't actually cough up a committed relationship where you feel good in it."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"Love isn't about having the power to change someone, especially when their rule is not something healthy. People get different results because they stop believing that thinking and doing the same thing is going to achieve different results. They accept the rule. Even if they subsequently take risks, they have the rule as their baseline and they opt out of danger. Many are remarkable with the rule- there are people out there who have healthy, mutually fulfilling, love-filled relationships without having to feel like shit all the time and living in drama and ambiguity-that could be you."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
While there are some 'lucky' people out there (and that's really only based on what we perceive them to be or what they've let us think they are), the great majority of people who experience exceptional results are part of creating that. They don't wait around for people to give them the perfect job, for the planets to align, for people to change, for someone else to invent it, or for their circumstances to change. Your life isn't a dress rehearsal and there's no man that 'completes you'; you complete you and that elusive feeling will remain elusive as long as you put the responsibility for your happiness and your completeness in someone else's hands. Yes you'd have a hazy glow for a while if someone swept you off your feet tomorrow, but no matter what happens, you still have to live with you and how you feel about yourself, so you wont be getting that fairy tale if you don't learn how to love yourself."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"The flip side of breaking up- and here's the BEST NEWS part- is that you are also breaking free from a relationship that wasn't working. Freedom means no more agonizing, no more drama, and no more time wasted on someone who wasn't appreciative of who you really are. Freedom means you can redesign your life and the sky's the limit- you can make all things you hoped for in your relationship, all your dreams about what love should be and feel and look like, and find a guy who will actually make them happen. During this time when you feel decimated and powerless, remember that you are still in control of at least one thing- yourself. And while you can't make someone take a back a breakup, you do get a say in what happens next. You get to decide whether to use this situation as a turning point, and be dignified in your grief, or let it overtake you and hold you back. So start now, start today. Don't be a victim of heartbreak, be a take-charge super-star!"-Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (It's Called A BREAKUP Becasue It's Broken)
"You're not wrong for wanting to love or to be loved, it's just that in not giving it to yourself, you've made mistakes en route and drawn in inappropriate people. Take comfort in the fact that you know more now than you've ever known, and do something with your knowledge. Live the best you that you can be. Stop making excuses for these men. Stop sticking at their side pushing your love on them and hoping they'll finally give in and love you, and take a chance on you. Love you."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"Meet Mr Unavailable, the emotionally, physically, and spiritually unavailable man that enjoys the fringe benefits of a relationship such as a shag, an ego strike and shoulder to lean on, without truly committing to you. You know him well: ambiguous, tricky to read, blows hot and cold, backs off when you come too close, chases you when you cut him off, has a list of excuses as long as his arm, and with actions rarely matching his words. He's probably the most popular man to date as he tends to straddle the fence between 'nice guy' and 'bad boy'. Only doing things on his terms, he's mastered the art of getting all the trappings of a relationship, often by creating the illusion of a promised loaf and chucking you crumbs of attention and affection instead. Put on a pedestal by every woman he becomes involved with, he throws out just enough promise to have you betting on potential but he perpetually disappoints. He's the man that doesn't commit- to you, to action, to his emotions- and as a result he's a limited man, with a limited capacity for commitment, creating limited relationships."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"If you can't date with your self-esteem in tow, you need to stop dating until you can. Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl will help you stop being a passenger in shady, depleting relationships and to stop treating these broken men like they're messiahs while you're someone who has to clamor around them for crumbs of attention, affection, and hints of commitment. These crumbs don't become loaves and will leave you hungry for a real relationship. I want you to read this book and recognize that you need the loaf, a whole loaf, and nothing but the loaf."--Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"It's not your job to run around catching men as they fall out of their relationships. Nor is it your job to let them default to or 'fall back' on you repeatedly, let them enjoy the fringe benefits without the commitment, or let them keep you as an option in their back pocket."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"You can stop making problems that existed long before you came along your responsibility. It's not about you. When you stop seeing Mr Unavailable through a lens that says their behaviors are directly linked to your worth as a person, you start to see in them an independent, individual entity that more often than not has form for this behavior, often with a track record that would have you falling off your seat in shock."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"When a woman feels happier about herself and her life without the man in her life, there doesn't seem any point in being with him."-Natalie Lue (Mr Unavailable and the FallBack Girl)
"I don't have to allow anyone in my life who does not know how to treat me with respect. Everyone doesn't have to like me, but they do have to respect me."- Peggy S (Co-dependents Anonymous)
"Some people simply are not meant to stay forever. Some people come into our lives for a season, for a reason, for the simple purpose of showing us the world in a way we would never have seen it otherwise."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"You're putting your heart back together and you want to do it properly before you jump feet-first into something new. You know that someday you'll love someone else- that the capacity for affection and belonging is not lost on you and that you're not going to end up alone. You're not broken or hopeless or loveless just because your heart is aching- you are simply healing yourself. And when you're done, there will be a whole new world waiting for you."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"It is hard to get over a cheater because a betrayal of trust turns your world upside down. And the only way to flip it right-side up again is to give ourselves permission to work through it. To accept what happened. To mourn someone we hate. To grieve a relationship we walked away from. To work through every paradoxical situation we encounter, until we come through on the other side. The side with a clean slate. The side where we don't just suspect that we deserve better- we know. And the side where we are proud of ourselves for never accepting any less."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"You can make it work with someone who wants different things than you. It's been done countless times. If one wants a steady 9-5 and the other wants to endlessly roam the globe, you can find an in-between. One can settle down or the other can speed up or you can find a satiated in-between where both of you are half-way to happy. But is this the life either of you really want? Is this the life you'll be happy with when you look back at it? Will you be glad that you compromised and put aside your desires for another person? If the answer is yes, then you're set. Some compromises are worth it. But if the answer is no, then I encourage you to move on. To cut the cord. To do the hard thing that none of us want to do, and to go pursue the life you wish you were living."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"If there's one thing we all need to stop doing, it's waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you've been waiting for. Live your life as if you are the love of it. Because that's the only thing you know for sure- that through every triumph, every failure, every fear and every gain that you will ever experience until the day you die, you are going to be present. You are going to be the person who shows up to accept your rewards. You are going to be the person who holds your hand when you're broken. You are going to be the person who gets yourself up off the floor every time you get knocked down and if those things are not love-of-your-life qualities, I don't know what are. Stop looking for The One to spend the rest of your life with. be The One."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"The people we meet at the wrong time are actually just the wrong people. You never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people are timeless. The right people make you want to throw away the plans you originally had for one and follow them into the hazy, unknown future without a glance backwards. The right people don't make you hmm and haw about whether or not you want to be with them; you just know. You know that any adventure you had originally planned out for your future isn't going to be half as incredible as the adventures you could have by their side. That no matter what you thought you wanted before, this is better. Everything is better since they came along. When you are with the right person, time falls away. You don't worry about fitting them into your complicated schedule, because they become a part of that schedule. They become the backbone of it. Your happiness becomes your priority and so long as they are contributing to it, you can work around the rest"-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"The right people don't stand in the way of the things you once wanted and make you choose them over them. The right people encourage you: To try harder, dream bigger, do better. They bring out the most incredible parts of yourself and make you want to fight harder than ever before. The right people don't impose limits on your time or your dreams or your abilities. They want to tackle those mountains with you, and they don't care how much time it takes. With the right person, you have all of the time in the world."-Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"Someday someone's going to love all of those tiny things about you. Someone's going to love the way you cough. They're going to laugh at the way you lose your keys while you're actually holding them. Someday, someone is going to stare at you from across a crowded room and know exactly how you're feeling based on the way your head is tilting or the type of wine you've used to fill your glass. Someone is going to appreciate all of your obscurities eventually but right now they are all only your own. And that's okay. First and foremost, you will always belong to yourself."- Heidi Priebe (This is Me Letting You Go)
"If someone learns that no matter what they do, you'll be there, they learn that that there are no consequences to be felt and in essence, what they're doing becomes acceptable. It also means that they don't fear losing you because they don't think that they're in a position to lose you. It's only by consistently demonstrating that you're no longer 'there', that you can effectively convey a different message to someone who has learned over time that you're 'reliable', albeit for the wrong reasons. This isn't about getting this person to 'miss' you so that you can get back together; NO CONTACT communicates that it may have been a long time coming, but you do have boundaries, there are negative consequences to what has happened between you both, and that the access or the privileges that they've previously enjoyed have been revoked. Each time you stand firm in your NC position while also treating yourself with love, care, trust and respect, you learn healthier responses to what have previously been tricky situations for you. Being able to sit through your feelings, to talk yourself out of breaking NC, to remind yourself of the reality as opposed to the illusions and essentially not falling for the same con numerous times keeps you in the present instead of living in the past or betting on a potential that's already let you down. If they want someone to get an ego stroke, shag, a shoulder to lean on, or whatever it is they need,you're not the person so they need to jog along to someone else. The litmus test of all this is, if you develop a healthier relationship with yourself, which will result in healthier beliefs about love and relationships, will you still want this person? Will you still love him/her? Will you still be breaking your neck to see when you can next make contact with them? Unlikely. If you have a pattern with this person or a general pattern of unhealthy behavior and thinking in your relationships, it's time to make the choice that if loving someone means that you can't love, care, trust and respect yourself, always and with no equivocations, choose you."- Natalie Lue (THE NO CONTACT RULE)
"If you allow every single interaction with partners and dates to inform your identity, and those people are unhealthy partners who may take advantage of or even abuse you, you'll be left with very little self-esteem. In taking on their baggage along with your own, they end up leaving you with some of theirs when they go. This is why it will feel as if you're losing a piece of you when it's over because they're the source of your value and until you learn to like and love yourself, perspective is missing. It's also critical to recognize that the type of person who tends to require NC isn't rejecting you but they are rejecting what they don't want to be or do, including: having to love, having to communicate, having to be emotionally available, having to care, having to empathize, having to recognize someone's needs other than their own, having to trust or be trusted, having to be relied upon, having to be respectful, having to respect your boundaries, having to be committed, having to be expected or needed, having to deliver the words that come come out of their mouths, having to make an effort, and having to be conscientious with integrity."-Natalie Lue (THE NO CONTACT RULE)
"When someone wants out of a relationship or doesn't want to get into one, or just is quite simply incompatible with you having your self-esteem in tow, it's a signal that you need to halt. If they want to be out of the relationship, why don't you want to be out of the relationship? What are they seeing that you're not seeing? What are you seeing that they're not seeing? If they don't want you, why do you want them? If they don't want a relationship with you, why do you want one with them? You are throwing your love at people that don't want or truly value it enough for you to be continuing to give them the time of day. Loving someone doesn't give you an IOU. You're so trapped in your feelings that you've projected those on to this person. You have to realize that what you think, want and need is not the same as what they think, want and need. You can love some one but they don't have to love you back and they don't have to accept your love. If they don't see your love and value it, your'e wasting your time."-Natalie Lue (THE NO CONTACT RULE)
"Remember, you're a woman. You are a lady. Ladies don't chase after men. Men come to women. It is unnatural for a woman to search in desperation for a man."-Kara King
"You need to have some valuable life goals that you are working on. By having these goals you are making a strong statement to the men in your life. You're saying: No one is important than me. I don't have time for games. When you are with me, you better make it worth my time, or I won't waste my time with you the next time I'm free. I have a lot to offer. I require respect because I respect myself enough to make a better life for myself. I can take care of myself and I don't need a man. If I choose to be with you, it is because I wanted to be with you, not because I needed to be with you."- Kara King
"If you decide that from now on you'll be attracted to the way a man treats you, above all other superficial things, you'll never be sad ever again. You'll always be happy. You won't get used for sex. You will be asked out on dates. You won't cry. You won't be lied to, cheated on, ignored or abused. You won't feel lonely. You'll be happy and respected by the men you allow into your life. All of these wonderful things will happen in your relationships, simply because you choose to only be attracted to men who treat you well."- Kara King
"You need to say to yourself and to the men in your life, 'The #1 thing that turns me on in a man is the way he treats me.' Once you believe it you can vocalize it to any potential man in your life. If you believe it yourself, he will believe you. If he believes you, he'll know he has to be a good man if he wants to be with you. The following are examples of things a GOOD man will do: He calls when he says he will. He doesn't stand you up to go with his friends. He isn't caught telling little lies. He wants to spend his time with you. He picks up the phone when you call. You can depend on him. He helps you with your problems. He doesn't disappear. He's waiting to have sex, he isn't pressuring you into sex. Yes, these kind of men do exist! They aren't extinct. They are out there. I promise."- Kara King
"Lust kills. Lust is the most important thing in my life; it takes priority over me. Captive to lust, I cannot be myself. Lust makes me its slave; it kills my freedom; it kills me. Lust always wants more; lust creates more lust. Lust is jealous; it wants to posses me. Lust makes me self-obsessed; it drives me into myself. Lust makes sex impossible without lust. Lust destroys the ability to love; it kills love. Lust destroys the ability to receive love; it kills me. Lust creates guilt-unavoidably; and guilt has to be expiated. Lust makes part of me want to die because I can't bear what I'm doing I'm doing to myself and my powerlessness over it. Increasingly, I direct this guilt and self-hatred inward and outward. Lust is destructive to me and those around me. Lust kills the spirit; my spirit is me. Lust kills me."- Sexaholoics Anonymous
"Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving. That kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is a choice to expend energy in an effort to benefit the other person, knowing that if his or her life is enriched by your effort, you too will find a sense of satisfaction- the satisfaction of having genuinely loved another."- Gary Chapman (The Five Love Languages)
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