A TAPESTRY OF GRACE: What A Journey!

“What’s on your mind?” he asked as we walked quietly in the forest. “Thinking of writing a blog about today…” I answered. “And what’s the title going to be?” “Uhmm…WHAT A DAY! Perhaps?” “How about what a journey? In that way it’d be more interesting for your readers.” “Nailed it! What A Journey it is!

Earlier that day I hopped into my car, blasted some Maverick City in search of adventure. I’ve finally decided to give my soul what it’s been yearning for, adventure. I was looking for it from people…I remember visiting my best friend and whilst dining with her friends I requested her to come sit next to me which seemed a bit clingy from my side. Every day when my sister returned from work, tired and needing to unwind, I’d demand that she sits with and connect with me. Many nights I’d go to bed and yearn for a warm embrace- I was so needy. I thought that by voicing out what I need in my close relationships I would get what my soul needed. But when I became needy it irritated my loved ones. No one is willing to sacrifice their freedom at the expense of giving me adventure. That’s when I learned to give it to myself. So I went hiking on my own.

The place was already packed. As I stood on the line waiting to get my wrist band I looked around. I seemed all alone amidst excited, eager and chattering faces. After getting my wrist band I slipped into the woods, taking pictures and trying my best to make it a lively experience. I was filled with thrill and excitement as I began my 10km hike. I said hello to some people hoping to join them yet afraid of boldly reaching out. “So you’ve decided to do it alone!” exclaimed a lady in front of me as I leaped towards a high hill. “Oh yes!” I replied taking a sip of water. “I came alone hoping to actually meet people like you!” “Well, I’m with those two guys over there”, pointing at them as they were taking pictures. “You are more than welcome to join us!” The adventure began.

I introduced myself to them as we went along the woods. At some point one of the guys asked me where I’d like to take a rest. “Anywhere”, I said giggling. He looked puzzled. “What do you mean anywhere?”, he asked making gestures with his hand. I realized that he expected me to have an opinion, a voice of my own…For so long especially as a child I’d been silenced. I remember when we used to go eat out as a family and I order a burger my dad would exclaim in disappointment, “Burger!? Oh, God! Why would you order a burger?” I felt ashamed for having my own preference while the rest of the family could order whatever food they wanted without being shamed for it. He and my mom would separately also shame me for the type of clothes I wore as a child and that made me doubt my own choice of clothing. As a result, I became silent in matters that called for me to state my opinion. That’s where I learned to giggle instead of speaking up. When this guy asked me what I meant when I say “anywhere”, I changed my answer and said, “We can find a place where there’s a shade and it’s comfortable to sit and rest”. I was satisfied with my ability to answer. I learned that in order to become the assertive person that I am praying to be, I have to be willing to respectfully state my opinions and choices. I don’t have to be aggressive and fight everyone, neither do I need to be a doormat that giggles at everything; I can find balance in between the two extremes.

As we went deep into the forest, they identified a tree filled with fruit only found in the wild. The guys walked towards it to pick the fruit. I was about to follow them when the lady said, “Let the guys pick the fruit for us- it’s thorny out there.” I learned what femininity is from this simple experience more than I could from books and podcasts. All I’ve known my entire life is being macho, controlling, chasing, demanding- being more masculine instead of feminine. That experience practically showed me how men enjoy being hunters, providers and protectors. This nature can only come out in the presence of women who allow them to be their true selves. I’ve read about such men but this experience showed me that they do exist right where I’m at not only in books by American authors. Also, the way the guys communicated with us was filled with respect, strength and warmth. I know that what I have been praying for does exist.

We ended up walking in pairs half way in the hike. The guy I was walking with kept talking about God. I haven’t been very vocal about my faith lately as I’m learning to part ways with religious mystification and the dictations society expects my relationship with Christ to be. But hearing him speak freely about the mercies and provision of God reminded me of what a GOOD FATHER we actually have! The guy kept saying, “God gives us people.” That was a great reminder for me as I’ve been so obsessed with relationships and friendships in my prayers. I’ve seen the impact of good relationships in my life. Good relationships that help develop my mind in a positive way, that propel me forward, that make me feel good, that support and fuel me to be the best version of myself. And I’ve also been around toxicity where the invalidation and exclusion tried to make me into a shell of a human being. So I wanted to gravitate towards healthy relationships and avoid the toxic ones hence it became an obsession. As he reminded me that God gives us people; I remembered the wonderful friends that God has given me, my Therapist who challenges me to think out of the box, my vibrant gym instructors who show me a vision of where I can be if I put in the work. I love people and I want to be around good people with good energy, and I was reminded that God will give them to me. He opens His hand and satisfies the desire of every living thing (Psalm 145:16).

The guy also mentioned energy which seems to be trending in this era. People are energy and you want to be around good energy. You want to be around people who share in your hobbies and interests and are able to meet you half way in your journey of seeking adventure. I’ve been around such people and with no fear or mask wearing I’m able to truly be myself and be accepted for who I am. We also outgrow people as we change and they change- hopefully for the good; which is not a bad thing, it’s just a shift in flow. You feel the energy and follow where it goes.

“Become a friend first to yourself”, he said. “And the friendships you need will come to you”.

As we walked towards the finish line I remembered the words from the song I listened to on my way there:

God of my present

God of my future

You write my story

You hold it all together.

We're safe.

We parted ways and were thankful for the adventure.