Releasing fear

 

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.”-  Psalm 23:4

Writing a blog post is currently sporadic for me as I gradually lose ties with my past. If you are a regular visitor, you’d know that most of my previous posts were centred on expressing the mistreatment I supposedly suffered at the hands of others. God has been working on me; helping me see my past experiences as a gift; and because of that I have released my need to be identified as someone who was unloved or was abused. I have no sad story to cling on to and make an identity out of anymore; hence the sporadic changes in my writing.

This brings me to the reason I decided to write this blog- fear- fear of losing my identity (connected to a sad past) and the fear of losing my ego. This is generally a blog on fear: feeling it, facing it and overcoming it.

The time I felt chronic fear on a daily basis was in my work office. A number of incidents took place which I perceived as an attempt to exclude me. Not being recognized and acknowledged felt like I was experiencing annihilation. I would return home, over analysing my office mates’ behaviour. I would open my eyes first thing in the morning and already get into the habit of worrying about how I was going to feel in the office that day. The fear subsided as I continuously faced it. Each time I sat on my desk, seeing them chatting away as they knocked off without saying goodbye, I got stronger. Each time I expressed myself and was called crazy and my opinions thwarted, I got stronger. Each time they’d talk amongst themselves, calling our older officemates their mother, I got stronger. Remembering that my parents were in Mafikeng and everyone there was my colleague kept me sane. Their behaviour was not who I am. The fearful feelings within, although calling out to me; were not me. I began to have fun with the process. I sat with my fear and thanked it for surfacing. Each time I perceived exclusion; I would remind myself that I overcame this the previous day. I am not going to die. I am already victorious. I am more than a conqueror through Him who loves me (Romans 8:37).

 I started seeing the two ladies in my office as gifts. According to Ken Keyes, “Each person you meet is either your teacher or your lover”. They were teaching me to ‘see’ myself and not seek it externally. They were helping me expand and grow in every way! They were challenging me, pushing my buttons- providing me with an opportunity to transcend my past and present experiences. My fearful emotions that came up with each incident were leading me towards healing. Exclusion and not being seen were my big triggers because they all began in my family of origin. But that part of my life is disintegrating as I feel and acknowledge my fears. It’s not scary anymore because we’ve been friends before and I know how generous, humorous, warm, considerate, thoughtful, wise, empathic they truly are. I just began “levelling up” which became something to be feared.

At times we fear when people are doing better than us. Due to the scarcity mind-set passed on to us; our minds tell us that when people are doing well they’re taking something from us. Hence we are instructed to “not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds”. (Romans 12:2). I experienced this fear during a park run. As the race began, there was a lady who was running the same distance as me. I was running with endurance and she was doing run and walk intervals. Each time she passed me, I actually got mad. All the beauty around me was non-existent as I obsessively focused on her trying to “beat” me! I’d observe thoughts like, “She’s just an old woman anyway”, “look at her wobbly body” and so forth. It was fear; the fear of not being a “winner” and thinking that her position will diminish mine. I took a hold of my thoughts and renewed them, started saying things like, “This woman inspires me. She’s here on this cloudy Saturday morning, giving it her all”. It’s amazing, as soon as I did that, the indigenous flora and fauna, the ponds, the sky unfolded in all their beauty. Energy arouse from within that gave me such a speed to run faster. I couldn’t have mental dialogues about her anymore because I was far ahead. I was presented with another lesson: when we criticize others negatively, it’s because we are behind them. We fear them. As soon as you go up- moving forward, upward and Godward, focusing on your own race, you have nothing to fear because you already are a winner. To my amazement when we got to the finishing line I discovered that this woman was in her 50’s, a park run veteran, doing her ninety something run! I was on my 7^th! We could learn a lot from those we fear.

I learned a lot from a ferocious, vicious dog in one of my morning runs around the neighbourhood. All of sudden this dog was barking, chasing me. He was so scary, and I was frightened as more dogs approached. I stood still and faced the fear, being fully present and surrendering to the moment. The dogs left. The next day it happened again. I stood still and they left. I could already predict my lesson; every circumstance that comes into my life and causes me fear is just like a dog barking I should just surrender to it. It might seem scary but on a larger scale it’s no big deal really. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I really will fear no evil because God is with me! He endows me with power, strength and makes me an overcomer!

My mind was already making up stories of why they would leave the gate slightly open. I was contemplating giving them warnings that I was going to sue them if their dog bit me because I perceived it as being a race issue. I recalled an incident one evening running in an isolated street. A white young man in a bakkie slowed down. “What are you doing here!?”, he asked in Afrikaans. I said running. He said some rude things to me and I replied by saying, “Jesus loves you.” He said, “Fuck you and your Jesus” and sped off. In the small town I work at, blacks are still being oppressed. I walked along the street once and the small white children shot stones at me from their yard. It’s all fear and it’s being passed down to generations. Martin Luther King said that they fear us hence they try to oppress us. They fear that we’ll take “their” resources, land, become “better” than them. So when the gate was left slightly open I concluded that they feared that by running on that street every day, I was taking something from them. But again, it could just be fear from made up stories in my mind.

 When I saw the absurdity of it all, I rested. Nothing can come into our experience unless God allows it to. People are angry, are fearful but it’s because they haven’t entered that place of rest. “There remains therefore a rest for the people of God” (Hebrews 4:9). Rest from all fear, it’s like a dog barking, or helping you transcend your circumstances, moving you towards healing, or shattering your ego. In any case, it all works together for your good!