Self-Love

 

As customary, towards the end of each year I like to extract valuable meaning from my experiences. I find that there are always gains to be made despite the hardships they come with.  This year I learned the importance of self-love. It began when a gentleman moved to our flats. Being hopeful of romantic love I’d think perhaps—you know—maybe… To my surprise one Saturday as I was basking in the sun, peacefully reading a book he approached me. In a matter of minutes he managed to organize a house party involving some of our residents.  Obviously we didn’t know each other that well, but towards the end of the evening he wanted to have sex with me. I rejected his advances. I did not like that he made me his target out of the other women. What in me made him think that he could portray to be a gentleman in the face of others but push me sexually in private? I let it go thinking that it is in most men’s nature to try their luck looking for opportunities to have sex with whoever is available.  And when they see you living a quiet life, mostly on your own, reading- they perceive you as weak, submissive and exploitable. They don’t think about your hopes, dreams, desires and that is why it’s important to think about yourself and everything that concerns you first.

Sometime after the event I learned that he had a girlfriend.  I asked him why he wanted to have sex with me when he had a girlfriend that he claimed to love so much. He said that I take life too seriously. We could have just had sex and laughed about it the next day.  Laugh about it the next day? I honestly could not grasp his thought process at that time.  How do I give you my most-priced possession and turn around to laugh about it? Knowing very well that you have a girlfriend? Wait a minute- I thought. Who’s the leading role in the story of my life? Who gets to decide how my life will turn out? Is it those men who always told me what to do with my body, who taught me to submit to their wishes as a lamb about to be slaughtered, only to tell me the next day that they were in committed relationships? I get to decide and self-love will determine my response.

As time went on after we discovered that we wanted different things we became civil neighbors towards each other. He’d drive long distances to get his girlfriend to visit him for the weekend and notify me about it. He’d buy luxurious gifts for her to impress her. He’d ask me about certain holiday destinations where he wanted to take his girlfriend. The ultimate was when he jokingly asked me to buy him and his girlfriend alcohol.  In defeat I responded, “I don’t buy men stuff.” I also want to have the experience of a man going out of his way to impress and spoil me. I want to feel that I matter that much to someone as well. But here is a man, two ladies, and he chooses to treat them differently. That means the problem is not with the man in this instance; he's just acting out his nature. He treats according to what he has been taught. Maybe I giggled a lot the first day when he found me reading my book. He was making a lot of sexual jokes and being nervous in the presence of an outspoken, confident man, I giggled and tolerated his jokes.  I knew there was a lot of fixing I had to do and self-love came right on time.

The journey began after God heard my prayers for change. I didn't want to be a woman that loved Him but was used by men and a doormat to everyone. I believe He provided ways to teach me how to love myself. Books would be timely, something somebody says. My experiences would align with His Word and ideas would just be popping in my head. I learned to embrace myself fully. I started first with the physical activities like going for a foot massage even though I considered my feet to be the most ugliest part of me.  I became intentional in buying myself flowers and going on solo-dates. I would always imprint in my mind whilst doing those activities that I deserved it, that I’m lovable, that I’m worthy of the best love and life had to offer. I slowly moved to my psyche the part that is most challenging to work with because of many ingrained untrue beliefs. “They taught you lies about you baby girl”, I’d whisper to myself.  “You are worthy, you are enough. You deserve to live a shameless, guilt-free life. You are deserving of love, care and respect. You deserve to be nurtured, to take up space in this planet. You are worthy of all that love.” Since I place myself in high regards, the people in my life now are at best doing the same (especially the men), and at worst reacting to my self-love journey with animosity and exclusion (especially the women).

Being able to fully love and accept myself is teaching me to do the same for others.  The scripture that says, “Love the Lord Your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as you love yourself” is really making sense to me now. I walked to the shops once to buy a few groceries. Since they were heavy I requested one of the street kids “car guides” to help carry them to my place. He said okay but requested that we wait a few moments for someone who had just entered the shop since he was guarding his car. We waited. The guy came out and gave the boy some coins; and being in a hurry this boy grabbed my groceries in attempt to walk with me. The man hollered at him, called him with his index finger, took him behind his open driver door and harshly pointed at him. I did not hear what he said but this boy, with his hands put together, kept nodding.  The man got in his car and the boy went behind the car to lead him out. That’s when I figured that this man was harshly reprimanding the boy to “finish his job”. He didn’t know that this boy was just in a hurry because he kept another person waiting; he didn’t even care to know. It just made me realize how easy it is for us to jump into conclusions about other people’s intentions without attempting to understand.  I saw the fear in that boy’s eyes, the shame in being unable to explain himself to an angry white man. I saw him as my brother…

Towards the end of the school year, I got into the habit of walking to work. This has been a life changing experience as God opened my eyes to the beauty in the people I came across with everyday. Since I learned to accept myself with all my imperfections I began to also accept what I deemed imperfect with them.  Their loudness, their morning drunkenness, their pride in rushing to work that pays minimal wages I saw beauty in it all. I would challenge myself to greet them and look into their eyes; some would be so happy that I greeted. The construction workers at the back of a van were no longer the “inferior minority”, they were men made in God’s image. The children walking bare feet, with torn clothes and dusty bodies; they were children made in the image of God. I could now experience the love that I have for God and that I have for myself in others. We cannot love other people if we don’t learn to first love ourselves.

Self-love is taking me on an amazing adventure. I am learning so much about myself! As a recovering codependent I used to be frightened by abandonment from loved ones.  Most of the good I did for people in the past was probably because I was afraid that I won’t have their validation anymore.  But self-love is teaching me to be okay with people leaving, people not agreeing with my perception of life, people not telling me the things I want to hear; people loving the best way they can but not  allowing their actions to exploit my fears of abandonment. In fact, those fears are diminishing. Thing is; I learned to be okay on my own. I learned to live with myself alone with my thoughts and feelings. I’ve learned to cry out to my God. I’ve learned to be okay with my own company- thanks to self-love- a regard for my own well-being and happiness.  

Growing up, I always anticipated my mother’s unpredictable moods. As a result I became super alert to people’s moods/emotions, especially anger and withdrawal.  I would feel shame that it was my fault(just by existing) that my mother was that way towards me. (I'm not lamenting on the past, she's way nicer now and I'm working on having a respectful relationship with her). But hat was a pattern I carried throughout my life in friendships and relationships with men. I would believe that I wasn’t worthy of love or attention and I had to do something in order to show that I’m valuable. And when they decided to withdraw their attention from me I felt terrified like the child I used to be. Today, I’m able to hand people back their anger and moods, I know that I am not the cause of their issues. I’m a loving, joyful person whose intentions for you are good, but if you decide to treat me like I’m a burden or too hard to love, then that’s on you. It’s not my responsibility what you think of me. If you choose to mistreat, disrespect , or abuse me, I will remove myself. I am no longer a target of abuse. I will forgive and love you from a distance because self-love gives me no other options.