Healing The Inner Child

The Corona Virus Pandemic is upon the entire world and every country has had to experience various levels of lockdown. For most; this is a perfect time to be alone with ourselves, our thoughts and experience our emotions. Some are taking advantage of this time to improve themselves. My sister; for instance; took this time to sell food to the residents in the complex she lives in and as a result; has been generating a lot of income. My best friend has been working on her emotional being and fully preparing herself psychologically to bounce back stronger in the world around her. My other friend has immersed himself in his Master’s thesis and a colleague has been working on her research proposal. Truly, this is an inspiring time for those who make the most of it!

I have also been making the most of this time- healing my inner child. This is a vigorous process which began eight years ago when Jesus Christ saved me. The lockdown is a perfect time to silence down and deeply connect with that inner child. I’ve had to ask myself many questions such as: “Why have I always attracted narcissistic men?” “Why am I codependent on friends and colleagues to validate me?” “Why do I make decisions and then doubt my perceptions?” “Why do I think that being slender is what makes a person worthy of good things?” Tough questions I know, but I’ve had to stop living in fantasy and face the reality of who I really am. I’ve had to ask God to help me remove those beliefs implanted in my inner child that are hurtful and causes me to be stuck.

My sister was on the phone with my mom the other day. Put on loud speaker; my mom unashamedly said, “Tell Titi not to eat too much so that she can lose weight and be beautiful as she goes into this new venture in her life.” It was quite disturbing; but for the first time in my life it really clicked that I am not the one with the issue here. I’ve assimilated lies from childhood about my worth as a person but I’m really  not the one with the issue here. Every time my mother body shames me it makes it difficult to believe that she actually loves and accepts me at all. However; during this time ruminating on that thought has been the least of my concerns. I am fully experiencing God’s love for me. He loves us simply for just being us and for no other reason. My inner child didn’t know this so she sought love and validation from opportunistic men and in all the wrong places.

During this time it also “clicked” on another level that the view I have of God is just not the same as that of my earthly father. God doesn’t belittle His children; nor does He ignore them. He protects and fights for us, He has no favoritism. He’s involved in every detail of our lives. I realize that I’m in a company of many people with ‘daddy issues’ and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. One man from CoDa said, “I’m still learning how my father mistreated me from the time I first came into this world. Even now, when I try to express myself strongly or creatively around him, he still refutes, negates, invalidates, shames, or patronizes me. He’s done that all my life to me and to others in my family, but bring someone from outside the family and he turns on his people-pleasing charm. So at the age of 52, I have and 82-year-old dad with whom I am still trying to communicate. I’ve learned not to expect much.” This explained my situations and made me realize how pointless it is expecting something different from someone who has shown me all these years that he’s incapable of giving it to me.

As I’m healing my inner child I’m experiencing many emotions; and oh this lockdown is not making it easy! I can’t escape to work but have to sit through it all. I have to call upon the name of Jesus to help me as I feel tremendous hurt, grief and anger for the things any child deserves but did not get. I have to fight the resistance to stay bitter, accept my parents for who they are and find peace in all that’s happened to that child within me. Sometimes I love her but sometimes I hate her for the embarrassment she’s put me through! Sometimes I push her away but sometimes I embrace her. I tell her, “Baby girl; it was not your fault” but sometimes I say, “Why did you have to put yourself through all that!” That little girl was going from man to man attempting to prove that her weight did not make her unlovable. She succumbed to peer- pressure to fit in. She continues attracting emotionally unavailable,-narcissistic men; and wide-eyed she still looks to others for validation. I’m thankful to God for bringing all this to my attention because now I’m motivated to change and birth some new things in my life. I’m confident that I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living (Psalm27:13).

After the lockdown; like my friends above; I will leave a totally new person. I doubt I’ll cross paths with abusive men anymore, they won’t even know that I exist. As God changes me helping me gravitate towards a belief system that's healthy; I will have no choice but to attract healthy and whole individuals. I will leave here knowing that the validation that matters most comes from me. I will learn to love myself unconditionally and not let people’s views of me cripple me. I will soar to greater heights and become the best version of myself that God intended me to be. I will soothe my inner child and tell her, “Baby girl it's all well now. We're okay and we're winning!”

Loved. Blessed. Validated. Fearfully and Wonderfully made. Deserving of the best.