Universal Red Flags

When you are in a toxic relationship, there are some "Universal Red Flags" you'll experience according to Sandra Brown in her book, HOW TO SPOT A DANGEROUS MAN BEFORE YOU GET INVOLVED. She says that a wise woman will memorize, pay attention to, and utilize these signs as opportunities to reexamine the relationship- or to exit, if necessary. Here are some of them:

1) You feel uncomfortable about something he has said or done, and the feeling remains.

2) You feel mad or scared, or he reminds you of someone else you know with a serious problem.

3) You wish he would go away, you want to cry, or you want to run.

4) You dread his phone call.

5) You are often bored with him.

6) You think no one else in his life understands him.

7) You think no one else in his life has ever really loved him or helped him.

8) You want to "love him into emotional wellness".

9) You think you can help him "change" or "fix" his life.

10) You let him borrow money from you or your friends.

11) You feel bad about yourself when you are around him.

12) You feel he wants too much from you.

13) You are emotionally tired from dealing with him and feel he "sucks the life out of you."

14) Your value system and his are very different; you frequently are not on the same page about your beliefs, and it is problematic.

15) Your past and his are very different, and the two of you have conflicts over it.

16) You tell friends you are "unsure about the relationship."

17) You feel isolated from other relationships with friends and family. 

18) You think he's too charming or a little "too good to be true."

19) You feel in the wrong because he is always right and goes to great lengths to show you he is right.

20) You are uncomfortable because he continually says he knows what is best for you.

21) You notice he needs you too frequently, too much, or too intensely.

22) You wonder if he really understands you or instead just claims to.

23) You are uncomfortable because he has touched you inappropriately or too soon.

24) You notice he quickly discloses information about his past or his emotional pain.

25) You sense he's pushing too quickly for emotional connection.

26) Although you don't believe it, he claims to feel an immediate connection with you (a sign of false intimacy)

27) You see him pushing too quickly to get sexually involved with you, and you find yourself willing to abandon your sexual boundaries with him.

28) You see him as a chameleon; you notice how soon he tells you about his earlier failed relationships and about his previous partners and their flaws.

29) You notice he mostly talks about himself, his plans, and his future.

30) You notice he spends a lot of time watching violent movies or TV or playing violent video games; he can be preoccupied with violence, death or destruction.

31) You have heard him confess to a current or previous drug addiction.

32) You have information about major relationship problems that he handled poorly.

33) He confesses he's been violent in the past or uses drugs or alcohol when stressed.

34) You know he has multiple children by multiple partners, is inconsistent in paying child support, and rarely sees his children; you find yourself blaming the mother of his children for these behaviours.

35) You find yourself accepting him "for now", even though you have plenty of red flags that would help you terminate the relationship if you paid attention to them.

36) You make excuses about why you are dating him.

37)You make excuses for his character and minimize his behaviour.

Going through this list has helped me identify any red flags I also posses. It also enables me to see and break the patterns that made me avoid those red flags in a dangerous man. My focus is mainly on my healing though. I am growing and becoming whole; never looking back!