Letting Go

After almost two years of healing from a toxic relationship; I felt really secure, strong and confident in myself. I set boundaries and developed myself emotionally, and now I have an idea of what a good relationship should consist of. One day while walking from work listening to music on YouTube; I stumbled upon a Christian’s couple testimony of how they met on Tinder and how God orchestrated their love story. Believing this was a “sign” without any waste of time that evening I created a Tinder profile.  I was overwhelmed though; I knew the attention I was receiving was superficial and too much that the next morning I deleted the profile and the app. However I gave my contacts to one of the people whom I struck a conversation with. He was quite interesting and interested in “me”…Fast forward to a month later we met. So much went on which I shan’t mention, perhaps for now- but being with this person, I was not living up to my utmost potential. Remember I now have an idea of what a great relationship consists of but what I saw from him was inconsistency, the classic narcissistic strategy of love bombing mixed with boundary crossing, severe cases of gas lighting, broken promises and false hope given.

Eventually, after many attempts, I stuck with my decision to leave him. I did it from a place of calmness and security so I know that there is no point of return. One person said, “Decide what kind of life you really want, and then say NO to anything that’s not it.” And I knew that life with him was not what I wanted. Going through the throes of a breakup I second guessed my decision a lot! I thought perhaps the problem is me- maybe if I lose weight than I’ll be worthy to have a truthful, respectful and caring man. I kept staring at my door longing for that knock- oh that place of longing- way too familiar. As I went through the stages of grieving unrealized love, I discovered that leaving him is not a reflection of his worth as an individual. I left him simply because I was not getting what I need in a relationship. Also, him not returning to me is not a reflection of my worth. It’s got nothing to do with worthiness but everything to do with what we both want from a relationship. Some people come into your life with no motive to love or build with you they have their own reasons. Some come to wreak havoc in your life, steal your joy and break your self-esteem with their lies, unpredictable aloofness, mind games and put-downs; hence it’s important to not listen to people's words but observe their actions. Choosing not to be manipulated by a person's words will help you discover if they have your best interests at heart or not. 

While with him I discovered that I was so quick to let him cross the boundaries I’d developed in the past two years. I was quick to deter myself from my destiny to please him. Chaos and confusion set in- will I really ever be able to hold my own when it comes to an intimate relationship with a man? But having the courage to leave him and never look back is evidence that I’m not doomed to a life of picking men who will mistreat me. Susan Forward stated in her book, “MEN WHO HATE WOMEN AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM”, “Any woman can be attracted to a misogynist” (not implying that the guy is one). “Being attracted to a misogynist is not the problem. Staying and accepting abuse for long periods of time is!” I believe that the things I learned in those two years are not in vain.

For the first time in my life, even though I'm second guessing my decision to leave an unfulfilling, potentially destructive relationship in terms of trying to figure out if my decision was impulsive or unreasonable, I am sticking with it. We have been gaslit too much that we doubt our perceptions on things that don't even make sense. If something does not make sense it does not make sense and it's my responsibility to take care of myself and not try to figure a situation that does not make sense out.  I am trusting my ability to make decisions concerning my life. When I left him mainly because 1) I could not trust him and 2) we were not walking in one direction; he said it’s selfish of me to do so.The word selfish has various connotations: indifferent, cruel, thoughtless, and self-centered. Ironic how these adjectives remind me of the time he crossed over my boundaries! So I realized that being selfish is necessary for me. It enables me to let go off a victim mentality and martyrdom! Never again will I allow myself to feel helpless in a romantic relationship!

I went through my childhood longing for love and validation from people who rejected, criticized, neglected, abandoned, and emotionally abused me- and in most of my dating relationships I attracted men who could take me “home”. The perks of unfinished childhood business! Working through them now something is happening to me; I realize I don’t need abusers, emotionally unavailable, irresolute, misogynistic, or narcissistic individuals who treat me as a second class citizen to love and validate me anymore! I'm no longer looking for my parents in my relationships! I’m healed, loved and completed through God’s unfailing love! By His death on the cross Jesus demonstrated our worth, so we have no business settling for anything than His best for our lives.

No one wants to experience a break up; it’s one of the worst feelings ever. It’s the reason why so many of us stay in destructive relationships that keep festering like an open wound that never heals but worsens with each passing day. I didn’t expect to experience heartbreak, but as painful as it was I can’t be thankful enough for the experience and the lessons it taught me. It showed me that there are still deep layers of healing I still need to unfold; I will get there. “Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when you’re triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, and the story- and walk your way to a different ending.” So with God leading the way we keep journeying forward. We trust in His perfect will for our lives- all our ways are known to Him. When evil men advance against us to devour our flesh, when our enemies attack us they will stumble and fall (Psalm 27:2). We set the Lord always before us, and because He’s at our right hand we will NOT be shaken. Therefore our hearts are glad and our tongues rejoice; our bodies rest secure. He will not abandon us to the grave. He has made known to us the path of life, and He fills us with joy in His presence with eternal pleasures at His right hand (Psalm 16).

Characteristics of women who love too much, by Robin Norwood

1)      Typically come from a dysfunctional home in which their emotional needs were not met.

2)      Having received little nurturing, they try to fill that unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to men who appear in some way needy.

3)      Because they were not able to change their parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) they longed for, they respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally available men whom they can again try to change through their love.

4)      Terrified of abandonment, they will do anything to keep a relationship from dissolving.

5)      Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will ‘help’ the man they are involved with.

6)      Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, they are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please.

7)      They are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in any relationship.

8)      Their self-esteem is critically low, and deep inside they don’t believe they deserve to be happy. Rather, they believe they must earn the right to enjoy life.

9)      They have a desperate need to control their men and their relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. They mask their efforts to control people and situations as ‘being helpful.’

10)   In a relationship, they are much more in touch with their dream of how it could be than with the reality of their situation.

11)   They are addicted to men and to emotional pain.

12)   They may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to become addicted to drugs, alcohol and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones.

13)   By being drawn to people that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, they avoid focusing on their responsibility to themselves.

14)   They have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which they try to forestall through the excitement provided by unstable relationships.

15)   They are not attracted to men  who are kind, stable, reliable and interested in them

The Gift of Being Alone

I am so fulfilled this morning after spending alone time with the Lord. In His presence is fullness of joy! (Psalm16:11). My devotion time was placed on hold as I’ve been connecting the dots between my behavior and beliefs, and my childhood wounds. And after reading Scarlet’s Hiltibidal’s book called “AFRAID OF ALL THINGS” and hearing how she manages to have a “date day” with Jesus often with three kids and other responsibilities; I’m amped once again to take advantage of this time to make time with the Lord. This is where the title of this blog emerged.

Loneliness is painful; and as a child I went through that a lot! To compensate for my loneliness I sought boy’s attention and men on dating apps to fill that void. My phone was always buzzing and boys would always come over to my house! Them giving me attention; to me meant that I was loved and seen but that was a huge time waster and the cause of much heart break. I wish I had taken that time to sit alone in the breeze of night and admire the moon and stars and sing worship songs to Jesus as I do now, but being a child I couldn’t see past that. I believed that loneliness would be a terrible feeling that would never cease even as a Born again adult; until I began working on my childhood wounds; realizing the lack of love and nurturing from my parents. Now I can say to my younger self: Loneliness is a very painful yet necessary experience in life. Don’t seek boy’s attention to fill your void. Endure!

In my early years of salvation I was obsessed about marriage and having children. This was amplified by the men and women who’d make it seem like being married to a “Godly” man is prestigious and a goal every woman should attain. Prophecies of how your husband is coming soon just as a new born again believer would intensify that desire. Your marriage status proved that you are a Godly person and that is absolutely further from the truth. I asked my thirty year old friend earlier in the year out of curiosity when he’s planning on getting married. He said that he’s not even sure that he wants to get married! For someone who thought that marriage was prestigious that came as a shock to me. I asked why and he said, perhaps marriage is not for him because he doesn’t have that desire to get married yet. He cited The Apostles Paul’s words from 1 Corinthians 7:1, “It is good for a man not to marry!” So why do we make singleness seem like such a bad thing by putting pressure on people to get married?  “I wish all men were as I am (single)”, said the Apostle Paul. “But each man has his own gift from God, one has this gift, another has that” (1 Corinthians 7: 7). Consider that next time you feel pressured to prove your spirituality by getting married.

Or perhaps like me you thought that marriage would do away with your loneliness. You find yourself accepting any kind of person who professes love for you thinking it’ll make you feel whole. That’s also further from the truth. I thought that taking a child in would cure my loneliness but it made me even more frustrated! The worst thing we can ever do is expect another human being to fulfill us.

Scarlet Hiltibidal quoted Jim Carrey’s tweet in her book, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” Personally, the cure to the void and loneliness I’ve felt my entire life was accepting the fact that my parents failed me as a child but the Lord took me up. Though my mother and my father had forsaken me, He received me (Psalm27:10) nurtured, and loved me beyond what I could have ever imagined. I ended my previous blog by saying, “The love I’ve always needed will find me” but I want to change that to, “The love I’ve always needed has found me” His name is Jesus!

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven” (Ecclesiastes3:1)

I’m pondering on that verse as I go through this time alone. When my sister visits with my 8 month old niece I practically have no time on my own unless I get up at 4am each day. Since she’s been staying with me almost the entire year; this has been a good practice and has enriched my love for God and strengthened the bond I have with Him. She’s gone now and of course I’m missing her and her baby but I try not to wallow in sadness and fully appreciate this time I have on my own! I can decide to spend time with Jesus at any time of the day with no disturbance and this made me so grateful that I don’t have any children of my own yet or a husband who’ll always require my care. I finally understood what the Apostle Paul meant when he said, “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs- how he can please the Lord. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs. Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit” (1 Corinthians 7:32 & 34). Seeing things from this perspective helped me stop being concerned about thoughts of finding a man on Tinder or any other thing that’s worthless in sight of eternity.

Being alone is a gift in a sense that you devote yourself to finding wholeness in seeking God. It’s in those times that you experience the most love, your horizons are broadened and your faith enlarged. You come to grasp the fact that your struggles, hurt and tears are nothing compared to the broader perspective God reveals to you. You make Him your source of life and take that pressure off other people! You become complete and whole! Please use this time wisely.

WORTH- Connecting the Dots

It’s often said that the ending of something is always better than its beginning. What a better way to observe our years through that perspective! Beginning the year with excitement and goal setting, are you able to say that you’ve kept a consistent commitment and are satisfied with the progress you’ve made? What has 2019 taught you? If we are growing on a yearly basis; we need to point at some things that prove that growth. Fortunately; since Jesus saved me seven years ago each year of my life has been filled with so much growth, meaningfulness and purpose. Through the joyful and the trying times I have come to fully understand that truly “in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans8:28). This year “WORTH” has been the word that reverberated in my mind through the experiences I encountered. I kept revisiting the past whilst navigating through the present in order to attain the future I hope for. Let me share that with you.

Many incidents happened to me as a child that trampled my sense of worth. Verbal and non-verbal communication took place that let me know “my place in society”. I recall an incident when I, my sister and dad attended a family function on my dad’s side of the family. I had traveled from Jo’burg since I was schooling there and they had traveled from Mafikeng. When the function ended, my dad and sister went back to Mafikeng while I stayed behind because I didn’t make proper arrangements to get back to Jo’burg on that late Sunday afternoon. One of my cousins was also attending at UJ so I figured while he was still there, I would leave with him. The sun was setting as I sat alone outside (I was sitting alone because prior to that, I had behaved in ways that made them treat me as an outcast like stealing their stuff and flirting with one of my aunt’s boyfriend on text messaging not knowing who he was) one of my aunts approached me and asked, “And then you? When are you leaving?” I can almost remember the disgust on her face as I looked up at her. I didn’t know how I was leaving. She called my dad, put him on load speaker and suggested that I would have to take taxis. Mind you, her son and I were going to the exact same place. My dad said, “Yes, let her take taxis.” I think my grandmother spoke for me as I ended up leaving with my cousin but that incident put a stamp to my sense of self-worth.

Another incident was when I heard the news about one of my dad’s friends passing. To support him, I traveled from Bloemfontein to attend the funeral. On the day of the funeral my dad and I drove to the hall where the funeral was taking place and as we got out he was greeting many people. While he greeted I stood with him because I wasn’t sure about the seating arrangements (since the funeral was for two people) but he harshly told me to go inside. You know the saying, “People will forget what you said or did but they will never forget how you made them feel?” I felt rejection. Like an embarrassment to him. Like I wasn’t his daughter. Nonetheless, like the resilient person I am, I found a place just near my grandmother (his mother) and carried on like his behavior didn’t affect me. He said a speech and with a teary voice ended it with, “Cathy…I love you.” Cathy is the wife to his friend who passed away.

It was the first time ever hearing my father utter those words! To say them in an assembly of people showed that they were nothing to be embarrassed about. My father is actually capable of uttering those words…so many thoughts, so much confusion. As we got out of the hall, walking with my grandmother and aunts; upon seeing my grandmother, my dad hurried towards her gave her a big hug and kiss! Wow- this is how someone who has worth is treated. They are embraced, they are loved, and physical affection is not a problem. I guess it depends on who the person is. I will never amount to that, I would never mean that much to him, I’m just worthless and unlovable.

I evaluated my worth through the way my father treated me. I yearned for his approval so much as a child which I never received. During that time I had just gotten saved and was actively involved in Church. Still struggling with my worth my brothers and sisters in Christ would call me with names I never imagined myself to be: “Powerful woman of God!” I would shrink. My overseer would say, “There’s a guy interested in you.” I would think, no one would be interested in me! I remember one of my cell mates after a very long talk said, “You’re so lovable!” I didn’t understand what she meant! Experience had taught me that I’m unwanted and unworthy. When I was graduating at UNISA earlier in the year I couldn’t help but recall the first time I was there as a child. I was sitting with my sister and cousin at the backseat of a parked car while my mother who was graduating and father were out. A white old man said hello to us, and gave each one of us a sweet. On my graduation day I welled up with so much emotion as I recalled that old man’s kind gesture. It was more than getting a sweet; it was more of being seen and acknowledged. To this day I thank God for that man who demonstrated to us that as frightened and unloved as we felt- we were actually worthy.

This year I have been pulling myself out of the dust of feeling worthless. I connected the void I’ve always felt to that part of my life which longed for parental love and approval and I grieved the fact that I would never experience it. To this day my father still treats me as an inadequate scapegoat and my mother still body shames me. She said a while back that in order for me to find love I have to lose 10kg’s! As much as I strive to believe that my worth is in Christ alone- I still get pulled down by weight issues, accolades, approval of others and the likes but I’m steadfastly holding on to the truth that my worth is in Jesus Christ alone. This makes me authentic, assertive and free! I am growing and I am not looking back. With God by my side I will reach my limitless potential, I will grow to greater heights, and the love I’ve been longing for will find me! The best is yet to come! 

"Surely goodness and Love will follow me ALL the days of my life."- Psalm 23:6

Deserting the Prosperity Gospel

The abandonment of the prosperity Gospel is on the rise- thank God! Thank God that well-known preachers like Benny Hinn are repenting and exposing it! I never knew how revolting the prosperity Gospel is until I lived with my mother and had to hear religious channels being played all day. The vulnerable are being preyed upon and the sin-loving are encouraged to “sow a seed” in order for them to be blessed. I should not conclude that just because God has saved me from the Prosperity Gospel  it’s something that’s happening everywhere; however it is noteworthy to mention that the prosperity Gospel that’s on a rise is met vigorously by a remnant that refuse to compromise the true Gospel of Christ.  That makes all the difference.

Leaving the prosperity gospel was a slow and gradual process which I found extremely hard to do, but once I saw it for what it is I totally despised it.  I could no longer stomach any false teaching either through books or TV. The prosperity gospel gave me a false hope, made me self-centered, kept me bound in sin, and bred in me spiritual narcissism. I’m not as happy as I used to be under the influence of prosperity teaching but my heart is richer towards God. I’m not saying that I’ve attained “all this or have already been made perfect” (in the subject of being richer towards God), as Paul told the Philippians, “but I press on to take hold of that which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:12-14).

The Lord has graciously placed me in a church that won’t compromise His truth. A small tent; with no aristocracy; yet a preacher whose heart burns for Jesus and the True Gospel. I remember once we went for an all-night prayer I could not even ask for any worldly possessions as I used to before. My mind was set on seeking the face and will of God.  I went there with no expectation but to meet with God. In the same room I was seated next to a blind woman who lifted her hands and worshiped God regardless of her condition. She had not denied herself sleep to be healed, she came because she loves Jesus and wanted to worship Him.  I’m in a church with people who come from poverty-stricken backgrounds, limping women, old women, young kids who have taken parental roles – oh I could write a story about this- all with one mind of giving glory and worship to God Almighty.

I’m afraid to say that the prosperity gospel is void of real Christianity. If you watch those religious channels and you go into most of our mega churches today; you will find so-called pastors, prosperous, yet still demanding that a seed be sown.  And you’re sitting here with people who are poor with no material wealth; yet working out their salvation towards the kingdom of God.  It was said of Jesus that “He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him; nothing in His appearance that we should desire Him…He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not” (Isaiah 53:2-3). Yet the prosperity Gospel promotes all that Jesus was not- a high self-esteem, love from everyone, happiness, a Christianity void of suffering.

No wonder we have many “players” in the Church- individuals with titles sleeping with one person to another!  I could not break free from sin as long as I was tied to the prosperity Gospel!  I could not make a sure decision to repent and turn away from my sin as God’s Word demands. I always left room for sin because I knew that “He loves me anyway” but I was not steadfast in my commitment to the Lord. And if ever I was successful in not giving into temptation; I had much boasting to do because the prosperity gospel places Me at the center of Christianity!

There is so much freedom in the True Gospel. You literally rest! You find peace and contentment in God alone. You cease striving and fighting and naming and claiming things that are not God’s will for you. You let go of all society’s expectation of you as a Christian. You maintain peace in ALL circumstances. Your love for Jesus grows stronger and your heart becomes full in Him.

Comforted in the Lord

It’s examination season a quite stressful time for educators in my school.  Because of my attitude to it and many other stressors happening around me, I felt like I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.  Folly, arrogance and depression glided into my heart during two incidents which I will narrate below.  Once while sitting in the reception area out of boredom untangling the curls on my hair, the principal entered the room. Upon seeing how laxed I was he asked if I was plaiting my hair.  Without putting much thought to it I tried telling him what I was doing but it sounded ridiculous that I just ended up saying “yes”.  “It must be nice plaiting your hair at work”, he replied. I didn’t get the sarcasm in the initial question until that moment and until the colleagues who were around talked amongst themselves about how inappropriate my response was.  The way they reacted made me feel terrible about myself; it made me feel like I was disrespectful to the principal which of course wasn’t my intention and it also made me feel like I was mentally unstable due to my reasoning.  I was stressed all day from that time on, consumed a lot of energy in putting much thought on the principal’s thoughts towards me.  As it turned out, being the leader of his calibre, he approached me the following day with much grace and acceptance which was a sigh of relief.

Just when I thought things were clearing out, another incident took place which triggered stress.  Before exam invigilation we were instructed to not let the learners leave the exam room before an hour had passed. Our learners have this tendency of writing in less than an hour so when I heard them being released from other classes, I also released mine. When I submitted the scripts a colleague said, “We told you not to release the learners before an hour but you did just that!” I responded by saying, “Well I’m not the only one who did that.” She asked in a condescending manner, “Is that really your reasoning?” She called another colleague to tell him about my “reasoning” who also seemed flabbergasted by it. Their reaction towards the response I gave made me feel that I was immature and unfit for the working environment. Most of the time what weighs a person down is not their folly, as we’re all bound to be foolish at some point in our lives, but what we make of it. If she was sincerely correcting me, she should’ve just reprimanded me in private instead of announcing it to those around her.  The workplace is rife- you worry a lot about being gossiped about and being misunderstood. To try to keep yourself from being unaffected by such issues you encourage yourself with sayings such as “Your colleagues aren’t your friends. Get your money and go home” but below the surface we are relational beings longing for social inclusion.

The reactions I received from these incidents caused me such a heavy heart as I felt mentally unstable and unfit to reason as an adult in the workplace. My sister and I always laugh at how we believe our mother reasons as a child or irrationally so it was the psychological dynamics that plagued me making me think that I had inherited those genes from her. Because of how much I was stressing about it, I felt compelled to travail in prayer that evening before bed. I cried out to my Father- my Comforter who comforts the downcast (2Corinthians 7:6), who’s close to the broken-hearted (Psalm34:18) and who knows my inmost being (Psalm139:13-14).  I needed to know that even in folly I still had His presence. Verses such as He will be with me, He will never leave me nor forsake me(Hebrews 13:5):, those who put their hope in Him will never be put to shame(Psalm25:3), all things work together for my good (Romans8:28), and He who began a good work in me will complete it (Philippians 1:6) kept reverberating in my heart during that time in travailing prayer.

The heaviness had completely left in the morning. As I was getting ready for work I came across an exam scope given to me by a colleague on my upcoming exams-as studying the entire textbook and not being able to grasp it all was one of the things that contributed to my stress. I thanked God for having come across the scope which I had no idea existed as it was written at the back of the module study guide.  The day before as I was signing out at work, one colleague approached me in front of several others saying that I work out but I’m getting bigger and bigger. Those who know me know that weight is a sensitive issue for me and I am still working on accepting myself unconditionally regardless of what weight I am. I believe that her criticism was unnecessary but I guess as Dale Carnegie said, “No one ever kicks a dead dog.”

“Vulgar people take huge delight in the faults and follies of great men. So when you are kicked and criticized, remember that it’s often done because it gives the kicker a feeling of importance. It often means that you are accomplishing something and are worthy of attention. Many people get a sense of savage satisfaction out of denouncing those who are better educated than they are, or more successful. Remember that unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment. Remember that no one ever kicks a dead dog.”

The purpose for writing this is to demonstrate that when we get out of our feelings and reach out in faith to the Lord, He has a way of comforting us and lifting the weight off our shoulders. When we are depressed He is beside us, close. We are not alone. He understands the effects our circumstances have on us and the constant battle our minds fight for equilibrium. Draw nearer to Him so that His comfort can flow through your heavy heart.

 He listens to the prayer of a righteous man

He hears the cry of the faithful one

He responds to the call of the needy

And answers them

He promise to be close to the humble heart

He values the man who speaks the truth

He holds the hand of the lonely

And comforts them

He’s the God of the heavens

He’s the God of the earth

God of the universe

The God of my heart

All creation praise Him

The angels adore Him

And His children declare Him

As Lord and King

While travailing in prayer and the comfort of God flowed through me, the Spirit was also convicting me of my sin. I discovered that my attitude towards my work had to change and that I had to obey the rules set by my authorities and not just answer however I wanted to. I also discovered that I need not beat myself up for not living up to a standard of perfection and that even in my folly the Lord still accepted me. It was comforting to know that I could still live my life and not fear so much about my self-esteem being crushed because in the Lord we are fully accepted.

Self-Esteem and the Gospel

A wide perspective on self-esteem and the Gospel already exists; I would however like to approach it subjectively. Earlier in my days of salvation my self-esteem skied rocket high as I learned about what God’s thoughts are about me as an individual which was of tremendous help in building my then fragmented self-esteem.  As I progressed with the Lord a conflict occurred between elevating self-esteem and truly embracing the teaching of the Gospel of Christ. The way I understood self-esteem was that I am of great importance, I have a great destiny ahead of me, nations will bow before me, I am here to change the world…A wrong understanding of self-esteem exalts self which contradicts the Gospel. Self-esteem sermons are preached from the pulpits; and they are very helpful for a time yet as you grow in the Lord the soul yearns for the true Gospel. And as you embrace the true Gospel the Holy Spirit teaches you how to approach self-esteem in the correct manner.

In describing self-esteem Kent & Barbara Hughes had this to say. Firstly, “In contrast to a biblical approach, the secular self-esteem movement and its religious counterparts, which have achieved the dubious distinction in Modern life of being both politically and religiously correct, are perceived as panaceas for all individual and societal ills”, secondly, “The religious version of the cult of self-esteem is the erroneous belief that self-love unlocks the Christian faith, thus the modern Christian life is grounded on self-esteem rather than humility, in contrast to the practice in previous generations”, and lastly they critiqued the self-esteem movement as being both “unbiblical” and “self-absorbed”.  Through great lengths of explanation they concluded that a healthy and biblical self-esteem consists of the following; “We are bad. We are wonderful. We are accepted. And we are fathered”.  In essence what they mean is that having a high regard of self is not a solution to sin, but knowing that in our badness and imperfections, we are still loved and accepted by God our Father and are wonderful in His sight.

I believe that The Holy Spirit is breaking down the walls of self in my heart in this season.  Like most people, my self-esteem increases when I perform well at work. Lately however, I would get into a classroom and try to teach the work I’ve prepared and my learners would pay no attention to me. They would literally leave the class while I’m teaching, shout across the room with each other as if I’m non-existent and just make funny comments when I enter the classroom. For someone who considers themselves a “good” teacher, this was a blow to my self-esteem.  It helped me put my focus on Christ rather than on my performance though, because days are different but He remains constant.  He is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).

As one whose self-esteem increased with the many reactions on social media, having nothing interesting to post about myself has been one of the ways the Holy Spirit is working on me.  No travelling, no learners writing sweet letters, no mega church, no boasting about a child I’m taking care of, no weight loss progress- nothing whatsoever to seek self-esteem from the approval of social media. I am guided towards a path of quietly seeking Christ, building my relationship with Him, and growing in Him without having to publicize it. After all, it is a personal matter that will bring me no self-esteem but will exalt Christ in my heart.  Sometimes we are unable to “decrease” ourselves and let Christ increase as John the Baptist exhorted (John 3:30), so the Lord will do the work in us by placing us in unfavorable circumstances. It is God who works in us to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose (Philippians 2:13).

Although the novel “Things Fall Apart” is fiction, we can learn a great lesson of what happens when people pride in the things that increase their self-esteem rather than accepting and believing the Gospel. Okonkwo, the main character is enormously disappointed in his father to the point of working extremely hard to avoid ending up like him. He works hard to earn power which gives him a high self-esteem in society. He gains honor by defeating Amalinize the Cat in a wresting competition which obviously increases his self-esteem.  He lives in a patriarchal society which gives him a number of privileges. He shows a strong sense of duty in sticking to and promoting the values that keeps his self-esteem on a pedestal.  Okonkwo has thus achieved fame, self-fulfillment and respect. All this falls suddenly with the arrival of the Europeans who challenges the Igbo traditions by presenting the Gospel of Christ. It's easy for the village outcasts to believe the Gospel since their self-esteem is already fragmented but it is a different story for Okonkwo and his counterparts.  The Gospel to him means loss of self-esteem, a punctured ego, a crumbling identity, and fame that transforms to shame. The Gospel  gives a healthy self-regard to everyone including those considered weak, lame, cursed, unwanted, and passive- that whole saying of "all being equal at the foot of the cross", but to Okonkwo it is a tragedy he ends up committing suicide.

It gets depressing as I lose my self-esteem; it sometimes feel like there’s nothing to live for.  But day by day as a follower of Christ I am comforted in the fact that the Gospel is all about Jesus Christ and less about me. No good works can validate me but I find validation in Christ alone and in His word.  Some days ago the Holy Spirit led me (I believe) to this piece of scripture from Isaiah 49:1-4 (NLT) which was of great  comfort in this season of my life:

“The Lord called me before my birth; from within the womb he called me by my name. He has hidden me in the shadow of his hand. I am like a sharp arrow in his quiver. He said to me “You are my servant, and you will bring me glory.” I replied, “But my work seems useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose. Yet I leave it all in the Lord’s hand; I will trust God for my reward.” The Lord has honored me and my God has given me strength.”

Thoughts on celebrating my new birth in Christ

My heart swells with gratitude as I write this because tomorrow I am celebrating 7 years with the Lord! I am grateful for a whole lot of things which He has done for me and the process He’s carried me through throughout the years. I can never imagine living without Him, without His presence, His spirit, His love. He defines the essence of my being and gives me a reason to live.  Many times I’ve thought of quitting in life because I could not live up to the standard set in His Word. But He always embraced and comforted me. I pray that you will be encouraged in your Christian journey to hold on to faith in this age of apostasy.  There is much uncertainty as we get older and increase in knowledge and experience, but we should strive to protect our relationship with our Lord at all cost.

I am grateful for growth- in all dimensions. Because of the Lord, I am reaching developmental milestones which many my age have already reached. Such an achievement comes through total abandonment of self. How ironic that as I lose myself i.e.; allowing myself to lose things that I thought defined my existence, letting go of all expectations, and enduring every emotion as I walk into the destiny God has for me- I feel really alive. In Him I live, I move and I have my being. (Acts 17:28)

The most significant value God has been teaching me in these years is love.  Coming from broken backgrounds into a new life with Christ and learning all about these promises concerning us, we tend to drift towards spiritual narcissism whereby entitlement is bred. Most of our spiritual leaders are narcissistic coming into the church with an expectation to be served and the same spirit falls upon the congregation that believes that society should serve them instead of the other way round. This is a time where I have been delving deeper into spiritual matters; learning more about sound doctrine, coming across such things as kundalani spirits in churches, and realizing that the most important thing a Christian can do is to love the Lord with all their heart, mind and soul, and loving their neighbor as they love themselves.

Love does not come naturally for me, or at least I think. I mean my friends and some family members say that I’m loving and all, but wait till I come across difficult people. It’s easy for me to avoid them altogether by pretending they don’t exist and cutting them completely out of my life.  Sometimes I’m inspired by God’s word to be loving to people I don’t want to love, but then find that I fail as time goes by. Is it only me?  Or do you also struggle with that? For me I learned that this is learned behavior. A few days ago my mom took us back to when I was a baby. She was so overwhelmed with being a first time mom and getting no support whatsoever. After giving birth she had to return to work and left me to stay with a grandmother who became like a “mom” to her after her mother passed away.  Apparently every time she got back from work she’d find my bums burned from poop and urine and the people in the house would tell her that I’d often cry all day, grasping for air until I learned to soothe myself.  Who knows how long this happened, and unfortunately this was a pattern my entire life as I moved from place to place.  I learned that the world is not safe, there is no love and no one will ever come through for me.  My close colleague and I had a talk the other day. Through teary eyes she told me that she feels that I push her away and I’m quite moody towards her.  It dawned on me that I behaved that way with her because she’s often showing me love by being generous, thoughtful and initiating conversations when I don’t speak. I pushed her away because I am not used to being sought after, I have literally learned to cope on my own without needing anyone.

This enlightenment has helped me resist the way of anger, hatred and bitterness to one of being open to love; Love for God, for man and for self. These have been trying years where I often questioned the existence of Christ but through His unfailing love I was not shaken.  Also, by the grace of God I am more determined to love and be at peace with those around me especially my parents who also had their hardships in trying to raise me. Most importantly, I am learning to love myself unconditionally; to unlearn everything that life has taught me and truly believe the promises of God concerning my life.

I look forward to the future with so much hope and optimism.

 Whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.  I want to know Christ- yes, to know the power of His resurrection and participation in his sufferings. (Philippians 3:7-10)

So, Father I am so grateful for the gift of salvation which You have graciously bestowed upon me. Thank You for new life in You. Thank You for your unconditional love, Your faithfulness and for always coming through for me. May I continue to grow and live in You all the days of my life! Happy 7 years!

Longing...

Looking outside the kitchen butler door-nostalgic, the atmosphere outside takes me back to the days of longing. I don’t know if it’s just me, or did you grow up experiencing an insatiable void within which plagues you to this day? You tend to think that if I get this or that I’ll be fulfilled, but discover in the long run that after getting a hold of all you’ve longed for, you’re still left with an insatiable longing. My childhood years are characterized by deep longings to be wanted and desired by the boys around me.  They are characterized by a deep desire to be seen and accepted by my parents. It is a longing I cannot fathom, wondering if it will ever be satisfied.

We long for many things. Personally, as I got older my deepest desire was to get married and build a family with a complementary partner who loves me as ‘Christ loves the Church.’ Now after living with a child for a year I’m not entirely certain whether that really is my deepest desire as it dawned upon me that having children requires huge sacrifices!  Maybe I just desire   legal sex (within the boundaries of marriage) or maybe I just want to escape the dysfunctions of my family by tying the knot.  I don’t know. All that I know is that deep-seated issues exist within, that create such an intense longing for things.

It’s a good idea to always approach God with honesty, and this is what I did in prayer. I expressed how I had so many desires; and though some are to do His will, others are against it. In total honesty I cried out, telling Him that I don’t think that He will ever satisfy the longing in my heart for all these other things. How many times have I read His Word and prayed so many prayers yet still this longing exists? Birthdays have a way of intensifying the need for love. You’re sitting there saying you don’t care much about celebrating your birthday, until the sunsets without best wishes from your loved ones.  I spent my birthday alone at my place kind of longing for someone to “come through for me”. I longed for my family members to give me a surprise visit and spend the day with me, or to be in my friend’s presence on a getaway vacation. Yet all I had was I alone, in the presence of God.  My dad had even forgotten about my birthday he called me the next day to apologize, and we laughed it off.  It hit me though, that people might not always “come through” for us, but God.  Our Lord is truly a friend that sticks closer than a brother, and though our fathers and mothers forsake us, He receives us.

I recall how I longed to bump into my “pastor” ex at Church.  I had to make sure that I dressed nicely and I entered the church door in modesty just in case he was sitting somewhere.  That was useless and vain because I would leave the Church doors the same way I entered them.  This poor man is probably getting drunk somewhere luring church girls on social media to sleep with him, and here I am longing for him while I should be worshipping God.  It is a relief to know that he’s not coming through for me, all I have is Jesus. “Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You?” (Psalm73:25)

Things are a bit different now, though not such a major change but the Holy Spirit is gradually taking me on a learning curve. I have come to understand fully that no child will ever fill the longing in my heart. No husband, no sex, no fame, no travel, no friendship, no family member, no pay check- yes maybe they might add a bit of happiness in my life but they can never complete me! I was wrong when I told God that He’s not enough for me, He is more than enough. He is all that I have, He alone has proved to come through for me and He’s shown me that.  Now, I look outside the butler door and instead of longing to be approached by a man, I long to be in the presence of the Lord. Like the Psalmist I cry out, “O God, You are my God, earnestly I seek You, my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water!” (Psalm63:1) And unlike all these other things we long for; Jesus is always faithful to satisfy.

Earth Has No Sorrow That Heaven Can't Heal

While most people where celebrating the New Year making resolutions, I was on a seat of a public toilet in a mall. I had just attempted my second suicide in the year. The first attempt happened after “standing up” to my mom. That day I wanted to express myself in such a way that she could understand but the expression came out in a manner that supposedly made her teary. It was so overwhelming that we were not able to sort out our issues that I packed my bags and left without saying goodbye. The second attempt I had just returned to my “pastor” ex. I was disappointed by the fact that even two years later I still find myself seeking love from a person who’s incapable of love. I’d like to think that before he decided to pursue me on FaceBook, he had studied me, so in our initial days of dating he mirrored me which made me believe that I had truly found my soul mate as he suggested. Now, here I was; striving to feel highly esteemed once again by him, but he used the things I thought he found attractive in me to rapture my self-esteem. In the beginning he was flabbergasted when I opened my mouth and spoke, and now he was saying, “Do I ever even listen to myself when I speak!” He said I kept dumping him because I couldn’t change him to be like the books I read. I almost fell for it, but it wasn’t true. He was gas lighting me into believing that I was expecting “an-out-of-the-world” type of man because of the books I read. In all truth, all I needed was for him to be the person he acted out to be before he got into my bed. But anyway, that’s a story for another day.

Was I seeking attention by attempting to drink an overdose of pills yet stopping as soon as I realized what was happening? I don’t know. All I know is that I couldn’t imagine living beyond the next minute feeling such excruciating pain. I had just given up on a child. I had just disrespected my aunt. I had just abruptly blocked everyone on my mom’s side of the family on Facebook. I had just felt betrayed that Reatile went back home and took everything I had done and said out of context. I had lost a desire to live a healthful life, rather, medicated myself with food and sleep. As a result, the weight had piled on leaving me feeling even worse about myself. I had just lost my faith in God.

With the help of the Church, encouragement from the Bible, silent prayers of hope, and my sister’s words of inspiration, I fought to stay alive. “One step at a time”, I’d whisper to myself. I’d get up at 4:00 am, search the scriptures and humble myself before God in prayer.  His Word says, “If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. (2Chronicles 7:14) I had to come to terms with the fact that God was not responsible for my dilemmas. In most cases I had rebelled and went against the teachings of His Word and was not willing to repent.  Life’s circumstances can harden our hearts but instead of pushing the Lord away, we should humble ourselves in prayer. He will hear and help us.

 I received a text message from my cousin (Reatile’s mom) a few days back for birthday wishes. It was a delight to hear from her! I called her and she told me how Reatile is always talking about me: going into detail about the jokes we used to share and things we used to do. She ended up saying that she was grateful that I had stayed with him because his behavior had changed tremendously! She also said that by taking Reatile to a better school, it opened her eyes to take her children seriously. The last thing she said was that she’s looking for a job and a place where she can stay with her children. She was sincerely thankful and that was the best birthday gift ever! I had long prayed for peace between us, and God has answered! We talk regularly now, even with Reatile and nothing much has changed except that a few boundaries can never be crossed.  I guess that year did not go to waste after all, but was meaningful to us all. Truly, God knows the plans He has for us. You might be going through difficult times and feel that suicide is the only way out, but there is hope. Humble yourself before the Lord and pray, He promises to hear you. “His thoughts towards you are of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

Come out of sadness

From wherever you've been

Come broken hearted

Let rescue begin

Come find your mercy

O sinner come kneel

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can't heal