Longing...

Looking outside the kitchen butler door-nostalgic, the atmosphere outside takes me back to the days of longing. I don’t know if it’s just me, or did you grow up experiencing an insatiable void within which plagues you to this day? You tend to think that if I get this or that I’ll be fulfilled, but discover in the long run that after getting a hold of all you’ve longed for, you’re still left with an insatiable longing. My childhood years are characterized by deep longings to be wanted and desired by the boys around me.  They are characterized by a deep desire to be seen and accepted by my parents. It is a longing I cannot fathom, wondering if it will ever be satisfied.

We long for many things. Personally, as I got older my deepest desire was to get married and build a family with a complementary partner who loves me as ‘Christ loves the Church.’ Now after living with a child for a year I’m not entirely certain whether that really is my deepest desire as it dawned upon me that having children requires huge sacrifices!  Maybe I just desire   legal sex (within the boundaries of marriage) or maybe I just want to escape the dysfunctions of my family by tying the knot.  I don’t know. All that I know is that deep-seated issues exist within, that create such an intense longing for things.

It’s a good idea to always approach God with honesty, and this is what I did in prayer. I expressed how I had so many desires; and though some are to do His will, others are against it. In total honesty I cried out, telling Him that I don’t think that He will ever satisfy the longing in my heart for all these other things. How many times have I read His Word and prayed so many prayers yet still this longing exists? Birthdays have a way of intensifying the need for love. You’re sitting there saying you don’t care much about celebrating your birthday, until the sunsets without best wishes from your loved ones.  I spent my birthday alone at my place kind of longing for someone to “come through for me”. I longed for my family members to give me a surprise visit and spend the day with me, or to be in my friend’s presence on a getaway vacation. Yet all I had was I alone, in the presence of God.  My dad had even forgotten about my birthday he called me the next day to apologize, and we laughed it off.  It hit me though, that people might not always “come through” for us, but God.  Our Lord is truly a friend that sticks closer than a brother, and though our fathers and mothers forsake us, He receives us.

I recall how I longed to bump into my “pastor” ex at Church.  I had to make sure that I dressed nicely and I entered the church door in modesty just in case he was sitting somewhere.  That was useless and vain because I would leave the Church doors the same way I entered them.  This poor man is probably getting drunk somewhere luring church girls on social media to sleep with him, and here I am longing for him while I should be worshipping God.  It is a relief to know that he’s not coming through for me, all I have is Jesus. “Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You?” (Psalm73:25)

Things are a bit different now, though not such a major change but the Holy Spirit is gradually taking me on a learning curve. I have come to understand fully that no child will ever fill the longing in my heart. No husband, no sex, no fame, no travel, no friendship, no family member, no pay check- yes maybe they might add a bit of happiness in my life but they can never complete me! I was wrong when I told God that He’s not enough for me, He is more than enough. He is all that I have, He alone has proved to come through for me and He’s shown me that.  Now, I look outside the butler door and instead of longing to be approached by a man, I long to be in the presence of the Lord. Like the Psalmist I cry out, “O God, You are my God, earnestly I seek You, my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water!” (Psalm63:1) And unlike all these other things we long for; Jesus is always faithful to satisfy.