Earth Has No Sorrow That Heaven Can't Heal

While most people where celebrating the New Year making resolutions, I was on a seat of a public toilet in a mall. I had just attempted my second suicide in the year. The first attempt happened after “standing up” to my mom. That day I wanted to express myself in such a way that she could understand but the expression came out in a manner that supposedly made her teary. It was so overwhelming that we were not able to sort out our issues that I packed my bags and left without saying goodbye. The second attempt I had just returned to my “pastor” ex. I was disappointed by the fact that even two years later I still find myself seeking love from a person who’s incapable of love. I’d like to think that before he decided to pursue me on FaceBook, he had studied me, so in our initial days of dating he mirrored me which made me believe that I had truly found my soul mate as he suggested. Now, here I was; striving to feel highly esteemed once again by him, but he used the things I thought he found attractive in me to rapture my self-esteem. In the beginning he was flabbergasted when I opened my mouth and spoke, and now he was saying, “Do I ever even listen to myself when I speak!” He said I kept dumping him because I couldn’t change him to be like the books I read. I almost fell for it, but it wasn’t true. He was gas lighting me into believing that I was expecting “an-out-of-the-world” type of man because of the books I read. In all truth, all I needed was for him to be the person he acted out to be before he got into my bed. But anyway, that’s a story for another day.

Was I seeking attention by attempting to drink an overdose of pills yet stopping as soon as I realized what was happening? I don’t know. All I know is that I couldn’t imagine living beyond the next minute feeling such excruciating pain. I had just given up on a child. I had just disrespected my aunt. I had just abruptly blocked everyone on my mom’s side of the family on Facebook. I had just felt betrayed that Reatile went back home and took everything I had done and said out of context. I had lost a desire to live a healthful life, rather, medicated myself with food and sleep. As a result, the weight had piled on leaving me feeling even worse about myself. I had just lost my faith in God.

With the help of the Church, encouragement from the Bible, silent prayers of hope, and my sister’s words of inspiration, I fought to stay alive. “One step at a time”, I’d whisper to myself. I’d get up at 4:00 am, search the scriptures and humble myself before God in prayer.  His Word says, “If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. (2Chronicles 7:14) I had to come to terms with the fact that God was not responsible for my dilemmas. In most cases I had rebelled and went against the teachings of His Word and was not willing to repent.  Life’s circumstances can harden our hearts but instead of pushing the Lord away, we should humble ourselves in prayer. He will hear and help us.

 I received a text message from my cousin (Reatile’s mom) a few days back for birthday wishes. It was a delight to hear from her! I called her and she told me how Reatile is always talking about me: going into detail about the jokes we used to share and things we used to do. She ended up saying that she was grateful that I had stayed with him because his behavior had changed tremendously! She also said that by taking Reatile to a better school, it opened her eyes to take her children seriously. The last thing she said was that she’s looking for a job and a place where she can stay with her children. She was sincerely thankful and that was the best birthday gift ever! I had long prayed for peace between us, and God has answered! We talk regularly now, even with Reatile and nothing much has changed except that a few boundaries can never be crossed.  I guess that year did not go to waste after all, but was meaningful to us all. Truly, God knows the plans He has for us. You might be going through difficult times and feel that suicide is the only way out, but there is hope. Humble yourself before the Lord and pray, He promises to hear you. “His thoughts towards you are of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

Come out of sadness

From wherever you've been

Come broken hearted

Let rescue begin

Come find your mercy

O sinner come kneel

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can't heal