Learning To Trust Again

Reatile’s absence left me with a void I couldn’t comprehend. It was the guilt feeling of having “failed God” and turning against everyone at home. The wondering of whether I’ve given up too soon and the fear that I’ve lost a sense of purpose. I feel relieved now as I’m learning how to cut my losses and move on. I do miss him, and when I sent him home I assured that he could come visit during the holidays. Everything changed when he got home. Whatever he said made everyone upset that they felt the need to tell me “a piece of their mind” over the phone, something that I would not tolerate and that made me retaliate in anger. I wish I could have handled the situation with more emotional intelligence, like the books taught me, but in the heat of the moment I forgot all the information I’ve assimilated before. It depressed me even farther, why do I read these books if I’m unable to practice what they teach?

During that time it seemed as if God was extremely far. I needed Him as I was making decisions and I wasn’t certain of what He was saying regarding the situation. I was resentful towards Him believing that He delighted in my sufferings. I choose to believe that I was wrong. I choose to believe that He’s a good Father and His plans for mankind are for good. He demonstrated His care when I went to a closing party with my colleagues. Prior to that I established that at the event I was going to get wasted! I notified my friends about my intentions, and they were worried that I would commit fornication with one of my colleagues whom I’ve always told them about. Regardless of the sincere assurances that that was not going to happen, they insisted that they would pray for me nonetheless since I was “vulnerable” according to them. Indeed I got drunk at the closing party; mind you I was rebelling against God. I was tired of all the Bible-reading, all the books, all the prayers that seemed to be in vain! I was losing faith in God and as a result was beginning to lose myself! After getting drunk at the closing party I began desiring my colleague in a sexual way. When we came back late in the night I was too drunk to even think of making the right moral choice in accordance with the word of God. He however dropped me off right at my door step without handling me in inappropriate ways. My best friend was there and I was complaining about not being able to have sex and enjoy my life! She said, “God loves you my friend. If God wasn’t with you your colleague would’ve long taken advantage of you. You should be happy that nothing happened.” (Knowing the kind of person that he is).

Although I was on a quest of rebellion against Him, God protected me from myself, from my desires. If it weren’t for His mercies I’d be a mess. I’d be lost in sin, and I’d be in hell! Deep down I don’t want that life anymore; I have tasted the goodness of the Lord which is way better than what that life could offer me. All I needed to do was to learn how to deal with loss and disappointments, and grieve them in a righteous manner instead of reverting to that old life. Reluctantly paging through the scriptures, passage by passage God assured me that He was concerned about us and He cared. I would alternate between feelings of surrender and indifference as I learned to trust Him again. I chose the way of repentance upon seeing His appeal in Jeremiah 3:22, “Return, faithless people; I will cure you of your backsliding!”

It is comforting to know that God chooses us even when we temporarily want nothing to do with Him. “Can the Ethiopian change his skin or the leopard its spots? Neither can you do good who accustomed to doing evil.”(Jeremiah 13:23) On our own we would self-destruct, but His hand is continuously upon His chosen ones to keep them from harm. He knows how we are formed; He remembers that we are dust. His eyes watches over us for our good. He builds us up and does not tear us down. He plants us and does not uproot us. He gives us a heart to know Him, that He is the Lord. He declares us His children, and He, our Father. So like prodigals we return to the arms of our loving Father. We find comfort in Him, that everything will be alright… Though I feel like I’ve failed God; though it feels like I’ve given up on love too soon; though in the heat of the moment I’ve cut out all my family members, and though it seems as if a year has been lost, it will be alright.

I was expecting a well-meaning “Thank you”, from not only Reatile, but also my aunt and cousin for taking care of him last year. Yet all I hear is rumors of how “bad” I am. I understand that they’re disappointed that I didn’t finish what I began, but with time I believe that we will reconcile and everything will work for our good. This ordeal has taught me not to give anything out of want or loneliness, or seeking reputation because then I would expect human praise or reward. And it seems the more human praise I want, the more disappointed I become as receivers grow more entitled and ungrateful. So, I give now; my time, myself, my heart, my substance with the knowledge that my reward is in Jesus. If I feel restless or unsure about the giving, I simply don’t do it to avoid getting disappointed with man and angry with God for not giving me 'an easy life'.