Each year brings to us substantial amount of change and
growth. Through difficult experiences we learn to thrive and challenge behavior
deemed as normal but is not. For instance, last year by getting involved with a
toxic individual I began challenging abusive behavior that I thought was
normal. It was a path filled with cognitive dissonance, doubts and fear. Yet, I
came out stronger than ever, able to make healthy choices when it comes to my
relationships with the opposite sex! This year the learning curve did not come
through experiences with relations to the opposite sex, it came through
parenting my cousin’s child. I would like to share my story with you.
It all began in the festive season of 2017. My cousin, her
two sons, and my other cousin came to spend Christmas at my place. Throughout
their stay, my cousin seemed to favor her younger son more than she did the
older one. She would violently fight
with her twelve year old boy to an extent that they would go days without
speaking to each other. Her son would always show an angry, depressed face most
of the time which reminded me of my younger self. One afternoon as we were all sitting together
they got into a verbal fight. My cousin was reprimanding her son about
something disrespectful that he had uttered. However, the boy kept retaliating.
He had answers for everything till it escalated to a point where my cousin
picked him up from the couch and violently threw him on the ground! He stood
up; breathing heavily, tears rolling down his face, yet continued to answer
back. “You are not my child”, my cousin said, “just a thing that was inserted
in me!” I felt sorry for him. My cousin went to the bathroom and wept
bitterly. How could a mother and son’s
relationship be so dysfunctional? A love-hate situation. As the elder, why
doesn’t my cousin handle this in a more mature manner? I tried talking to her
about it, she became very defensive. She said I was the reason his son was
disrespecting him because instead of reprimanding him, I viewed her as the one at
fault. All I saw was a helpless young boy who needed a mother’s warmth but
instead was receiving coldness, hurt, and brutality from the one person who’s
supposed to create a safe environment for him!
Early in the year as the schools were re-opening, I received
a phone call from my aunt- my cousin’s mother.
She was concerned about the severity of violence between my cousin and
her son. She had apparently strangled him. This was disturbing not only to my
aunt, but also to me, that I pondered on taking my cousin’s child under my care
because no child deserves to live under abusive conditions. After much
pondering, inquiries, and prayer, I made the choice to allow my cousins son to
come live with me. Although it was late, the moving in and school application
went very smoothly that I believed it was the will of God. It was an exciting
period of my life to be a channel of love, warmth and acceptance in a child’s
life.
His mother was with us the first few weeks of him moving in.
There was still conflict between them, although the boy was loving and
respectful towards me. He is gifted, strong-willed and full of potential yet
his mother seemed to see only the worst. They had gone days without talking to
each other, using me as the middle-man, when I tried to speak some sense into
his mother. As the elder one, and the mom, it was her responsibility to ensure
that there was peace between them. She
had to find strategic means to ensure a peaceful end. It is her son after all!
As soon as I started talking she shut me off by saying, “Reatile is my child!
He will show you!”
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