WORTH- Connecting the Dots

It’s often said that the ending of something is always better than its beginning. What a better way to observe our years through that perspective! Beginning the year with excitement and goal setting, are you able to say that you’ve kept a consistent commitment and are satisfied with the progress you’ve made? What has 2019 taught you? If we are growing on a yearly basis; we need to point at some things that prove that growth. Fortunately; since Jesus saved me seven years ago each year of my life has been filled with so much growth, meaningfulness and purpose. Through the joyful and the trying times I have come to fully understand that truly “in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans8:28). This year “WORTH” has been the word that reverberated in my mind through the experiences I encountered. I kept revisiting the past whilst navigating through the present in order to attain the future I hope for. Let me share that with you.

Many incidents happened to me as a child that trampled my sense of worth. Verbal and non-verbal communication took place that let me know “my place in society”. I recall an incident when I, my sister and dad attended a family function on my dad’s side of the family. I had traveled from Jo’burg since I was schooling there and they had traveled from Mafikeng. When the function ended, my dad and sister went back to Mafikeng while I stayed behind because I didn’t make proper arrangements to get back to Jo’burg on that late Sunday afternoon. One of my cousins was also attending at UJ so I figured while he was still there, I would leave with him. The sun was setting as I sat alone outside (I was sitting alone because prior to that, I had behaved in ways that made them treat me as an outcast like stealing their stuff and flirting with one of my aunt’s boyfriend on text messaging not knowing who he was) one of my aunts approached me and asked, “And then you? When are you leaving?” I can almost remember the disgust on her face as I looked up at her. I didn’t know how I was leaving. She called my dad, put him on load speaker and suggested that I would have to take taxis. Mind you, her son and I were going to the exact same place. My dad said, “Yes, let her take taxis.” I think my grandmother spoke for me as I ended up leaving with my cousin but that incident put a stamp to my sense of self-worth.

Another incident was when I heard the news about one of my dad’s friends passing. To support him, I traveled from Bloemfontein to attend the funeral. On the day of the funeral my dad and I drove to the hall where the funeral was taking place and as we got out he was greeting many people. While he greeted I stood with him because I wasn’t sure about the seating arrangements (since the funeral was for two people) but he harshly told me to go inside. You know the saying, “People will forget what you said or did but they will never forget how you made them feel?” I felt rejection. Like an embarrassment to him. Like I wasn’t his daughter. Nonetheless, like the resilient person I am, I found a place just near my grandmother (his mother) and carried on like his behavior didn’t affect me. He said a speech and with a teary voice ended it with, “Cathy…I love you.” Cathy is the wife to his friend who passed away.

It was the first time ever hearing my father utter those words! To say them in an assembly of people showed that they were nothing to be embarrassed about. My father is actually capable of uttering those words…so many thoughts, so much confusion. As we got out of the hall, walking with my grandmother and aunts; upon seeing my grandmother, my dad hurried towards her gave her a big hug and kiss! Wow- this is how someone who has worth is treated. They are embraced, they are loved, and physical affection is not a problem. I guess it depends on who the person is. I will never amount to that, I would never mean that much to him, I’m just worthless and unlovable.

I evaluated my worth through the way my father treated me. I yearned for his approval so much as a child which I never received. During that time I had just gotten saved and was actively involved in Church. Still struggling with my worth my brothers and sisters in Christ would call me with names I never imagined myself to be: “Powerful woman of God!” I would shrink. My overseer would say, “There’s a guy interested in you.” I would think, no one would be interested in me! I remember one of my cell mates after a very long talk said, “You’re so lovable!” I didn’t understand what she meant! Experience had taught me that I’m unwanted and unworthy. When I was graduating at UNISA earlier in the year I couldn’t help but recall the first time I was there as a child. I was sitting with my sister and cousin at the backseat of a parked car while my mother who was graduating and father were out. A white old man said hello to us, and gave each one of us a sweet. On my graduation day I welled up with so much emotion as I recalled that old man’s kind gesture. It was more than getting a sweet; it was more of being seen and acknowledged. To this day I thank God for that man who demonstrated to us that as frightened and unloved as we felt- we were actually worthy.

This year I have been pulling myself out of the dust of feeling worthless. I connected the void I’ve always felt to that part of my life which longed for parental love and approval and I grieved the fact that I would never experience it. To this day my father still treats me as an inadequate scapegoat and my mother still body shames me. She said a while back that in order for me to find love I have to lose 10kg’s! As much as I strive to believe that my worth is in Christ alone- I still get pulled down by weight issues, accolades, approval of others and the likes but I’m steadfastly holding on to the truth that my worth is in Jesus Christ alone. This makes me authentic, assertive and free! I am growing and I am not looking back. With God by my side I will reach my limitless potential, I will grow to greater heights, and the love I’ve been longing for will find me! The best is yet to come! 

"Surely goodness and Love will follow me ALL the days of my life."- Psalm 23:6