Comforted in the Lord

It’s examination season a quite stressful time for educators in my school.  Because of my attitude to it and many other stressors happening around me, I felt like I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.  Folly, arrogance and depression glided into my heart during two incidents which I will narrate below.  Once while sitting in the reception area out of boredom untangling the curls on my hair, the principal entered the room. Upon seeing how laxed I was he asked if I was plaiting my hair.  Without putting much thought to it I tried telling him what I was doing but it sounded ridiculous that I just ended up saying “yes”.  “It must be nice plaiting your hair at work”, he replied. I didn’t get the sarcasm in the initial question until that moment and until the colleagues who were around talked amongst themselves about how inappropriate my response was.  The way they reacted made me feel terrible about myself; it made me feel like I was disrespectful to the principal which of course wasn’t my intention and it also made me feel like I was mentally unstable due to my reasoning.  I was stressed all day from that time on, consumed a lot of energy in putting much thought on the principal’s thoughts towards me.  As it turned out, being the leader of his calibre, he approached me the following day with much grace and acceptance which was a sigh of relief.

Just when I thought things were clearing out, another incident took place which triggered stress.  Before exam invigilation we were instructed to not let the learners leave the exam room before an hour had passed. Our learners have this tendency of writing in less than an hour so when I heard them being released from other classes, I also released mine. When I submitted the scripts a colleague said, “We told you not to release the learners before an hour but you did just that!” I responded by saying, “Well I’m not the only one who did that.” She asked in a condescending manner, “Is that really your reasoning?” She called another colleague to tell him about my “reasoning” who also seemed flabbergasted by it. Their reaction towards the response I gave made me feel that I was immature and unfit for the working environment. Most of the time what weighs a person down is not their folly, as we’re all bound to be foolish at some point in our lives, but what we make of it. If she was sincerely correcting me, she should’ve just reprimanded me in private instead of announcing it to those around her.  The workplace is rife- you worry a lot about being gossiped about and being misunderstood. To try to keep yourself from being unaffected by such issues you encourage yourself with sayings such as “Your colleagues aren’t your friends. Get your money and go home” but below the surface we are relational beings longing for social inclusion.

The reactions I received from these incidents caused me such a heavy heart as I felt mentally unstable and unfit to reason as an adult in the workplace. My sister and I always laugh at how we believe our mother reasons as a child or irrationally so it was the psychological dynamics that plagued me making me think that I had inherited those genes from her. Because of how much I was stressing about it, I felt compelled to travail in prayer that evening before bed. I cried out to my Father- my Comforter who comforts the downcast (2Corinthians 7:6), who’s close to the broken-hearted (Psalm34:18) and who knows my inmost being (Psalm139:13-14).  I needed to know that even in folly I still had His presence. Verses such as He will be with me, He will never leave me nor forsake me(Hebrews 13:5):, those who put their hope in Him will never be put to shame(Psalm25:3), all things work together for my good (Romans8:28), and He who began a good work in me will complete it (Philippians 1:6) kept reverberating in my heart during that time in travailing prayer.

The heaviness had completely left in the morning. As I was getting ready for work I came across an exam scope given to me by a colleague on my upcoming exams-as studying the entire textbook and not being able to grasp it all was one of the things that contributed to my stress. I thanked God for having come across the scope which I had no idea existed as it was written at the back of the module study guide.  The day before as I was signing out at work, one colleague approached me in front of several others saying that I work out but I’m getting bigger and bigger. Those who know me know that weight is a sensitive issue for me and I am still working on accepting myself unconditionally regardless of what weight I am. I believe that her criticism was unnecessary but I guess as Dale Carnegie said, “No one ever kicks a dead dog.”

“Vulgar people take huge delight in the faults and follies of great men. So when you are kicked and criticized, remember that it’s often done because it gives the kicker a feeling of importance. It often means that you are accomplishing something and are worthy of attention. Many people get a sense of savage satisfaction out of denouncing those who are better educated than they are, or more successful. Remember that unjust criticism is often a disguised compliment. Remember that no one ever kicks a dead dog.”

The purpose for writing this is to demonstrate that when we get out of our feelings and reach out in faith to the Lord, He has a way of comforting us and lifting the weight off our shoulders. When we are depressed He is beside us, close. We are not alone. He understands the effects our circumstances have on us and the constant battle our minds fight for equilibrium. Draw nearer to Him so that His comfort can flow through your heavy heart.

 He listens to the prayer of a righteous man

He hears the cry of the faithful one

He responds to the call of the needy

And answers them

He promise to be close to the humble heart

He values the man who speaks the truth

He holds the hand of the lonely

And comforts them

He’s the God of the heavens

He’s the God of the earth

God of the universe

The God of my heart

All creation praise Him

The angels adore Him

And His children declare Him

As Lord and King

While travailing in prayer and the comfort of God flowed through me, the Spirit was also convicting me of my sin. I discovered that my attitude towards my work had to change and that I had to obey the rules set by my authorities and not just answer however I wanted to. I also discovered that I need not beat myself up for not living up to a standard of perfection and that even in my folly the Lord still accepted me. It was comforting to know that I could still live my life and not fear so much about my self-esteem being crushed because in the Lord we are fully accepted.