A Hard Decision- Part 4

The parenting process seemed like a real roller coaster ride! One moment we’d be happy and laughing, the next we’d be mad at each other. The same intense emotion of love could quickly switch to intense hatred. I was failing. And I was blaming myself. I had forgotten that his mother told me that this was her child and he’d show me!  I was ashamed to call and report everything to her because I had been so judgmental towards her. I got overwhelmed with each coin vanishing in my purse, with food quickly finishing because “he wanted to gain weight”, with each reluctance to my appeals of keeping the house clean, with each resistance to spiritual devotions and the studying of school work. I. GOT. TIRED. Most days I’d get back from work, stuff myself with junk food and go straight to bed until the next day. In the morning, he’d wear his ear phones and give me a certain vibe, and I’d feel that I was disappointing him for not coming back home to spend time with him as I did earlier in the year. I was doing much for him yet it felt like it was never enough. I think all I needed was gratitude and respect from his part, that was going to make me feel alright.

Am I still trying to prove my worth to people? Do I still feel that I need to make up to God for my past mistakes by allowing everyone, even children to take advantage of me? Have I convinced myself as a result that I have to suffer in order to be on God’s side?  Why should I be committed to love that is ungrateful and disrespectful? One day we had a chat, Reatile and I. He was telling me how he’s going to be a pilot go back home and build his family a house. Initially, when I took him in I didn’t expect any repayment from him but that stung. I thought, here I was sacrificing for a child whose family can afford to put a gold on his tooth, a family capable of having sliding doors and comfortable homes, and he was telling me that he is going to build them a house. When he’s grown and moved out and I’d have sacrificed every last inch, he would forget it all and only remember the times I was “abusive” to him. No, thank you! This is not the kind of life I will sign up for! His mother is still alive and it is her responsibility to get a job and take care of both her children. It is her responsibility to ensure that she handles and relates well with her children, not mine. I owe it to my children to bring them to a safe and comfortable environment. The investments that I am making in Reatile’s life could be investments saved for my children. They deserve a whole and sane mother, not one battered by other people’s strong-willed children. Oh, please don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate this child, I am just tired!