When God feels Far...

This is a topic most preached on and an experience that embitters many people’s lives, but can only be understood through personal experience. It is a devastating season of life- I believe- that could either break or grow you. I write this to share my struggles with you regarding this matter with the hope that I will be encouraged as I seek to encourage you.

One of the major headlines in South African current news is that of a pastor who’s sexually abused or raped women. This has led women to opening up about pastoral sexual and emotional abuse they’ve experienced at the merciless feet of their respective church leaders. I find that the wounds of my own experience are opening up as I come across such true stories and find that I am unable to mentally let go of my experience with a person who’s supposedly a pastor. Why do I keep replaying the hurtful scenes in my mental imagery? Why is it such a challenge to accept that no one is exempt from being deceived, including myself? My insufficiency- Getting up each morning knowing that I have to fight through these battles unsure of when it will all end! Yearning and longing for God to give me a partner who can perhaps take my mind from all this has been a plea in my heart. And each day I find that God is protecting me from my own desires as He pulls me to find contentment in Him alone. I am encouraged to believe that He is in a process of healing and fixing emotional scars even though at times it feels like I’m taking many steps backwards. I feel that He is far away because I want a quick fix, but He wants to take me through a process. George MacDonald once said, “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He’s doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that these jobs needed doing so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of- throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought that you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

Those words are of great encouragement but of course difficult to comprehend when you feel that God is far away. Impatience clouds one’s judgment in terms of their belief in Christ. Devoted prayer and scripture reading flips to the other side as we grapple through the challenges of life. It feels like Jesus is too silent. It feels like He’s indifferent to our psychological, social, emotional and spiritual battles, so why not take matters into our own hands and find a way to survive? Why not get up in the morning and instead of one hour in prayer, devote that hour to finding out how I can be more authoritative in my classroom or find ways to be more skilled in parenting a strong-willed child? Why not, I think to myself, use those times of bible reading to read books that would enable me to overcome the challenges I face daily? During difficult times many people tend to actively pursue their own wills with the hopes of remedying their situations, knowing how to wait on God becomes difficult for them. Consequently it is such wills that draw them away from the presence of God and lead them to a life He never intended for them. When I feel no need for prayer or reading of God’s Word, I am always reminded that although I don’t sense God’s presence or see His work at a particular time, He is closer to me than I could ever imagine. As the Psalmist said, “The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” (Psalm145:18)

The challenge rests upon changing perspectives. Why rather than ruminating on how far away God feels we begin to really view the moments He displays His presence in our lives. When we honestly ask God for something we need, such as peace, joy and love; He grants it to us. I may not have at the moment love from the opposite sex that I desire, but I do have intense love for and from most of my learners, friends and family. I ask for love and He grants it in a way that He knows is best for me. This includes every other thing we ask for. We need to be grateful for small mercies because ultimately they are the big things. We might not see God working but best believe it is in those quiet seasons where He’s doing the most work. We must never give up on this wonderful journey. When we are determined to hold on Jesus weighs our intentions and He draws even more closely to us (James4:8). He reminds us of the plight of where we had been saved and delivered and fills our hearts afresh with gratitude and awe of Him. I get back home from challenging days and I have Someone I can call and cry out to. He soothes my pain and rocks me in peace unfathomable. He pours down His unfailing love on me and chooses me when I don’t choose Him. He forgives me when I get angry and blame Him for all the uncomfortable situations I might experience. He overwhelms me with His goodness and salvation! His name is Jesus! I never want to forget the place He holds not only my heart but in the entire universe. And I get the privilege of having a close and intimate friendship with Him!