Frustrating Times

I recently came out of a frustration phase towards God. Having to deal with circumstances beyond my control such as being responsible to a child who at times overwhelms me with his anger and moods, discovering that I’m still dealing with the agony of being mingled with a toxic person, and having to deal with petty colleagues.  It all seemed so burdensome that I got into withdrawal mode.  Productivity levels took a downturn as the only thing I looked forward to after work was to indulge excessively in food and head straight to bed till the next day!

Besides having to prepare for exams, feeling incompetent at work, weight and food issues an incident occurred that raised my frustration levels. It was evening and time for our Bible study with Reatile. He had been on his phone most of the time so I asked him to give it to me so that I could see who he was chatting with. Because of scandals surrounding social media and human trafficking of children, this is something I previously discussed with him thoroughly so I didn’t think there would be any hassle. He got upset, locked his phone, put it under the blanket he was wearing and just laid facing the other way.  To proceed with our evening devotion, I asked him to read the scriptures as he usually does. He was so stubborn and angry that he reluctantly read it still facing the other way. I usually lead the direction of the prayers and when I asked him to pray for certain people he bluntly refused. He went on ahead and just for prayed whatever was on his mind. This wasn’t a problem. In fact when he said “amen” I laughed and tried holding him and he angrily shouted that I should not touch him but leave him alone! He was so angry. That hurt me so much that I found myself screaming at him through a shaky voice that he should not talk to me like I’m a piece of sh*t!  And I got frustrated.

The following morning as I was preparing for work and he had already left for school I bitterly burst out in tears. Not asking for help from God this time but blaming and cussing Him! I told Him to leave me alone. I didn’t want to be part of His sufferings of loving the unlovable, “giving the other cheek”, “forgiving seventy times seven” and “rejoicing in the Lord always”!  All I felt was the effects of Reatile’s unloving attitude, it put salt in the wound of my childhood rejection. Why do I invest my love in a child who shouts at me and writes me of like I’m not a human being?  Who wants to control my emotions with his moods?  Who induces fear in me with his rejection when there’s a need to correct him? This is just a mere child whose behavior reminded me of the rejection I received from the people I chose to love. It made me believe the lies that regardless of how much love I choose to give, I will never be appreciated, I will always be unlovable and I will only be used for what’s convenient to the other person. This is what frustrated me most.

On a phone call with my sister I ranted of how mad I was at God about this whole situation, going on about how I don’t want to pray or even see my Bible near me. My heart was extremely hardened towards the Savior of our soul. My sister usually has an attentive ear but this time she interrupted me and gently reminded me that God didn’t do anything bad. She said, “This situation should not hinder your relationship with Jesus because He didn’t do anything wrong. If Reatile chooses to harden his heart that’s his fault not God’s”. The frustrations of life should make us better and not bitter. We should also be reminded that God’s goodness does not change based on life’s circumstances. He is good and will always be good.

I am learning that the most sincere prayers are uttered after we’ve been crushed by the frustrations of life. There is nothing left in us but only a genuine heart. We are kept from uttering vain and useless words in prayer but begin to approach God with a broken spirit. Ironically, it’s during the frustrating moments when we experience the Lord’s warmth, love and His full acceptance of us. That He still wants you when at times you’re unable to fulfill the conditions of His word. He still delights in you when you feel like a total failure. It’s not what we do that makes us favorable with Him; it’s what He’s already done by sending His Son Jesus Christ to die for our sins on the cross. And yes, we’re not always going to have it all together, but we have Someone who’ll help us carry our burdens. Jesus says, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your weary souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”(Mathew 11:28-30).

Job 23:10

“He knows the way I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”