Loving Till it Hurts

Being a parent has always been an intense desire for me for as long as I can remember! Since I am not certain of God’s plan with regards to this aspect of my life, I chose to be fully responsible to my cousin’s son. That’s not the only reason though; I found that as the first born to his mother he had always received minimum love and attention, so I sympathized with him since as a child I was also in the same situation. I won’t go into other details, but in this blog I would love to share how parenting a child who’s not biologically mine is stretching me to “love till it hurts.”

Ever since I began reading books I had perfectionism tendencies. I would judge myself and others critically whenever mishaps happened. I became too quick to cut out loved ones who were not ideal to my perfectionism, and some friendships I’ve still lost. Having a thirteen year old child who for most of his life, learned much from the “streets” has been challenging for me since he makes mistakes almost every single day! In the beginning I used to tell him that if he won’t straighten up he’ll have to pack his bags and leave my house! That’s the easiest road to take. However, as I sought wisdom from God, He has been taking me through a process of loving till it hurts. It was so much easier for me to punish him every time he committed a mistake; since it made him feel bad for what he did, and would perhaps help change his ways. I would instantly take his privileges away without warning. One day I sent him to the shops and gave him a list of things to buy, and he decided to buy sweets for himself without asking for permission. Frustrated I told him that he won’t carry pocket money for the entire term. Later in the day he came to me asking for forgiveness. He volunteered to write chapters from the book of Proverbs before I even asked, since that’s my other way of punishing him (inspired by my pastor). Little did he know that God had been working in my heart during that space. I thought about how it would be if every time I made a mistake God wrote me off. I thought of how I always try to bargain with Him and He would “hear me out” and give me so much grace that I don’t even deserve. “He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities” the Psalmist said in chapter 103:11. Since being a parent is something a child sees close to God, we have to learn to show grace and mercy to our children just as God does to us. It’s important that we experience grace for ourselves first so that we don’t distort the image of God through our perfectionism and judgmental attitude.  This statement from Dr Henry Cloud changed my parenting paradigm: “Parents need to accept failure the same way God does. He does not deny failures, nor does he beat us up for them. He convicts us- he shows us the truth- but he gives us tender love and compassion as well”. It is His kindness that leads us to repentance.

Another thing I’ve learned is that in order to raise this child it will require great patience and that can only come from God for a compulsive impatient person as me. Co-incidentally, as I write this blog, my boy just opened up to me about his relationship with His mother which explains why he has been so difficult. There was a time he wasn’t talking to me all day, but nonetheless in the evening I continued with our evening devotions. As I was explaining the scripture we had just read, I tried to get him to talk by asking him a question. He looked at me with disgust and asked “What?” I couldn’t continue explaining since that incident was a build on from many others. My heart beat with anger as I threw my bible on the couch telling him that if he won’t change his attitude he better pack his bags and leave! In our days, no one cared for our spirituality and I was angered by his inability to see that I cared. I commanded him to go to bed. See now, I was using control to try to get him to put his act together- and that never works. The following day I was discouraged to lead our devotion so I was tempted to stop altogether. But I have learned that whenever we are presented with a choice to choose between the high and low road, we should always choose the high road because that’s the significant road- the one that makes all the difference. I sat that evening reading and preaching through teary eyes in reluctance, knowing that it’s difficult for him to see the end in mind. He received the message with tenderness on his face. I believe he felt God’s love that evening. God’s love is not only changing him its changing me too. I’m learning to love when it hurts, to be very patient with people and understand that emotional, intellectual, and spiritual growth takes time.

On one end of the spectrum is the abusive parent and on the other is the parent who seeks validation from their child, and that was me in the beginning when my boy had just settled. I wanted to try out the many wonderful teachings that I read from books only to realize that by trying so hard I wanted him to validate my parenting. I would ask him if I’m doing well as a parent and he’d just shrug his shoulders saying, “I don’t know.” Poor boy- what would he know about parenting! One day I complained to my sister that he always prays for everyone else except me. I was encouraging him to pray for others but clearly I wanted it to be me! My sister said words that have forever changed my life: “Stop seeking validation from a child. Complete the task God has given you. You have people praying for you. We are praying for you.” From that day onward the burden of trying to perform and be a perfect parent fell off my shoulders. I knew that God would raise His child, I’m just a vessel that He’s using. And what a privilege it is because in the process I am also changed, I am learning to love unconditionally.

Taking someone in, especially a child requires you to give off yourself to another person. I am learning to be generous not only with my assets and finances, but my space, time, and heart. It’s not always easy because many times he displays a selfish and ungrateful attitude. Children are selfish because from infancy they depend upon people to care for them thus, have all the attention. It’s only when they grow through experience and through being taught that they learn to become selfless and grateful citizens. Through the grace of God, I am able to look past his immature behavior (But it didn’t just happen, it takes much prayer and counsel) and see the end in mind. He doesn’t know any better.

Through the entire experience, I am able to paraphrase the Apostle Paul’s words:

When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a woman, I put childish ways behind me and I learned the meaning of real love. If I speak the tongues of men and angels but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and If I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I AM NOTHING! If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I GAIN NOTHING. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not SELF-SEEKING, it is not easily angered, it KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always TRUSTS, always hopes, and always perseveres. LOVE NEVER FAILS.

THESE THREE REMAIN: FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE. BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE.