The Toxic Nature of Counterfeit Love (PART4)

Continues from previous blog...

One Sunday I asked to go to his Church with him, he was preaching there. It was a cold morning and I wore a dress and a winter cardigan (sort of a blanket). When I got in the car I felt like he was embarrassed by what I was wearing or something it was just in the way he looked at me. He even asked if it was that cold. I said, “Okay let me go change”. I got in the house took off the cardigan and wore something lighter. I could be reading much into this but he had a way of making me feel ugly, so low, unloved, and unappreciated. I just wanted him to see me, love me, and delight in me just like I did in him with his bright orange shirts.

We got at church and had to wait a while for the doors to be opened. While we waited in his car there was a bitter silence, he closed his eyes and leaned backwards on his seat. I could never penetrate through him; there was just no conversation whatsoever. The gestures of me holding his hands were met with no reciprocity. I thought maybe he’s not the type to show affection, but at least try to communicate about it?

As we entered the church after the long wait he said to me that he does not know where I’ll sit because he usually sits in the front. It felt like I was being rejected. Fortunately life had prepared me for such situations. He went to the front row and I sat behind him. As his woman, or even simpler, someone he invited to Church, I expected him invite me to sit with him. I tried to compose myself during the service reminding myself that I am here primarily to worship God. It was not easy though. Next to me was a lady sitting right behind him and they talked briefly and smiled and laughed with each other, it felt like I was not there, that I was not seen. As he preached I was so proud of him! His message was so humorous and powerful! He really seemed like the perfect pastor any girl would want to have! After the service, the congregation got into a line to hug him and the senior pastor of the Church, I guess it’s one of the rules of the Church. I followed them and he hugged me like I was just an ordinary person. I did not know what to make of this. He took me to his car and got back to the church as he had been called for a brief meeting. I felt that as my future husband he could have at least allowed me to be there if introducing me was a challenge.

As we drove back there were so many things I wanted to tell him but I just composed myself because I didn’t want to seem nagging. I complimented him on his message and how fortunate I am that I get to listen to him personally. He smiled and showed appreciation. I realized that I had developed a fear to express my true feelings, there was this environment created that I am just too much or I want too much. I was afraid of expressing my feelings because I felt that I was always nagging and expecting much from him while he was doing his best. Everybody was appreciating him for his sermon and here I come wanting to complain and cramp his style. We drove across a group of drunken people on the way and he slightly bumped into one with the side rear view mirror of his car. I felt the veins in my head constricting by the sound of it and expected him to stop and ask if the guy was okay. But all he said was, “Drunken idiot” and drove off. His behavior made it hard for me to believe that he had ever experienced the love of Jesus. There was so much fear and uncertainty in me.

He dropped me off.