Confusion Began (3)

continues from previous blog...

Our long distance, phone call, chatting relationship was flourishing! I couldn't wait for the holidays to see him again and finally be in his arms! I knew that a cyber and phone call relationship was quite limiting in revealing a person’s real character. I mean, anyone can say anything that will sweep anyone off their feet on messages and phones. My one friend warned me once that I should not be swayed away by mere words, because guys know how naive Christian girls can be and they know exactly which words to say to us. You will only know a person’s real character after spending time with them, not only once, or twice, or thrice…but on a regular basis. A challenge arose when the guy began posing questions and statements about how untrue the bible and Jesus’ character was. I understand that there are people who have their doubts about Christianity and I fully acknowledge their right to do so. However, my relationship with Jesus is the most important aspect of my life and I believe that the person I spend the rest of my life with should share in this Christian journey with me. At some point he had told me that he is a pastor who desires to lay hands on the sick, but now he was nullifying the deity of Christ. I got into a confused state with many teary nights as our conversations became more centered in him always trying to prove to me that Jesus, who was the foundation of my life; and His Word, that had radically transformed me was not the Word of God. Many people see Christianity, the bible, and Jesus as a form of slavery; but with me without all these I was a slave. I was well on my way to destruction not only physically but spiritually as well. Hearing the man I desired to spend a life with talking disrespectfully about Jesus who means the world to me caused me a major cognitive dissonance.

What I like about this guy is that he was not afraid to reveal his true self. He once believed that Jesus existed but now he changed his mind and was not hiding it from me. He made it clear that he will never compromise who he was for another person. So at that instant, he gave me a choice to either accept him as he was or leave him, I had a choice.Do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who bluntly tells me that he wont go to Church? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who can't pray with me? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who's going in a different direction than me? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who constantly tries to challenge my faith in Christ? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who finds pleasure in frequently drinking alcohol? I mean when I met him we were drinking, and going back to the drawing board I knew that I don’t need a partner who drinks alcohol excessively even if it’s just for enjoyment. There are other fun stuff one can do in life without consuming alcohol. On our date when we met we ended up going to a bar lounge where we both ordered alcoholic beverages; and though he didn't force me to order alcohol he exerted a major influence on me. The people we hang around with have the power to influence or be influenced by us; and its okay to withdraw yourself from others if you feel that they are exerting much influence on you that is against your values.

The statements and questions and evidence that was brought forth by him about the gospel of Christ began to make me doubt my own existence because my whole life was based on Jesus’ existence. Church attendance when I can is of vital importance to me because I know my state as a sinful man and Church always nurture my heart back to Christ. Somehow with this guy in my life I had days when I just didn't feel like going to church and began getting irritated by church activities and those involved in them. I began isolating myself from those in the church and eventually saw myself becoming involved in unhealthy habits thinking Christianity is just a tool to restrict us from having fun! I began seeing Church and pastors as money-making schemes- causing me to slowly drift back to a place of stinginess. For some time, this is what the influence of the guy’s words did to me and he didn't even know it. I was beginning to be at war with myself again. I was becoming the person that I once was; someone who found pleasure in alcohol, in being sexual immoral, in being stingy with money, in pleasing my own flesh because after all Jesus' story and His bible was all a lie. I knew that the situation was just going to get worse once I get married to this guy but I didn't want to leave because I was embarrassed of now telling everyone that my God-sent guy and I were no longer together. Every time I wanted to end things with him he convinced me not to and strove to make things work it made it even more difficult for me, making me believe that we can get through this.The fact that he was not willing to let me go also made me feel special and wanted, so I tired to endure although we did not have the same religious beliefs.