O Wretched Man That I Am!

If you were exposed to sexual immorality before giving your life to Jesus you would know that the struggles with lust never seem to cease. I remember long before I even thought I would commit fornication with Kabelo , I said to the Holy Spirit, “It’s so hard to resist him, why don’t you let him move out.” I’m uncertain whether my mind talked back to me, but I’d like to believe that it was Holy Spirit who said, “If you can’t pass this simple test what about the ones that are coming?” The thing is, as you grow in the Lord and your purity shines out, men will sense your inward beauty and will get attracted to you. When you take care of your body by eating well and getting regular exercise, men who never showed interest in you will begin doing so and it will become overwhelming for you because you’re not accustomed to the “all of a sudden” attention you’re receiving- well, I am speaking for myself. Women have become so accustomed to being the pursuers and being rejected that when the man actually does his job and pursues, we feel that we can’t reject them, after all, who are we to reject others? Pastor At once said that “heartbroken people do crazy things”, in this case, they allow any man who shows interest in them access to their bodies regardless of his standing point in life. As soon as they accept Jesus in their lives however, their hearts get restored and in the process discover that they need not do any crazy thing to be accepted by society, because the Manufacturer Himself is repairing His own product, which is them. That is where true beauty radiates; when you finally stop depending on people to heal your broken heart but allowing God to work in you. 

When I came back home to Mafikeng for the December holidays I really felt spiritually stable. Throughout the half year since the time I committed fornication I had been building my spirit through intense studying and reading of God’s Word, in addition to that, much travail in prayer. When we labor in spiritual matters we tend to take pride in our spiritual stability. We secretly say to ourselves and others, “I used to be a fornicator, but thank God I am changed.” In essence what most of us are truly saying is, “I used to be a fornicator, but look at me now, through my hard work and own self-control I made it.”

“Not by works but by him who calls…”~ Romans9:12

Many times Christians don’t realize that they have been given the privilege to love God’s Word and live for Him only by Him. We might claim that we are humble sinners but deep in our hearts we consider ourselves better than those who don’t read the Bible as much as we do, or those who don’t seem spiritually strong compared to us. What we need to realize is that our ability to maintain spiritual wholeness is truly a gift from God. The bible tells us that even before the twins were born, Jacob and Esau, the Lord loved Jacob but hated Esau. They had done nothing good or evil yet the Lord had already predestined them. My ability to read and understand God’s Word has nothing to do with me; it is the life that God has chosen for me before I was even born. When I forget that, the Lord will orchestrate various events to bring me back to a place of humility.

Two laws at work in us

I have mentioned the “church guy” a couple of times in my previous blogs. For those of you who don’t know him yet, he is a guy I met in my hometown church, he pursued me for some time, and I agreed to date him because being pursued actually made me feel so uncomfortable. It’s always so overwhelming when someone makes their life revolve around you- now I understand. In our “dating period” things were really awkward between us. When we had nothing to talk about, we’d just hug each other so closely for quite a period of time and for anyone who is abstinent, that creates a serious problem! Many times I’d feel so aroused just feeling his body close to mine, and every night when I went to bed I thought of the possibilities of what could happen between us. After some time, although he’s a church guy, he began hinting sex by saying we should visit each other and “enjoy one another, just have fun”. So that’s when I ended the relationship. Firstly, because although I was physically feeling him, spiritually it was another story.  And secondly, I was not willing to compromise my standards. He didn’t take the breakup quite well; he showed a sense of emotional neediness and clinginess. Here is a guy who leads worship in the church, lives with a pastor, pursued me like I have never been before, yet deep inside there was still something missing. I couldn’t understand, I wanted us to just hang and be friends or brother and sister and he would say that, “he doesn’t want to loose me” yet we didn’t even know each other that long. That was really overwhelming. I’m not saying that he’s a bad person or anything; it’s just that many Christians really love the Lord, they desire to serve him and really live for him, but they have not dealt with the Jezebel spirit that leads them to immorality. 

After months of not seeing each other despite the state we were in the last time we were together, we were so excited to see each other once again. I was a bit puzzled at the sensations I felt when he gave me a hug, feeling his arms around my body, or his hands rubbing my arms. I really thought that my body had died to those sexual feelings, yet here I find myself being just turned on by his walk, or his voice, or his laugh, you know, anything basically. (So I find the law at work: when I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. Romans7:21-23).

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.” ~Romans8:18-19

Just earlier on I was feeling spiritually stable yet now I could not ignore the urges in my body after being turned on by this guy. Usually, my spirit is in constant communion with the Lord yet this time my feelings had suppressed my spirit. If I ever needed God, I needed him then, I needed him now. I thought I’m over this only to discover that I’m forever weak. (O wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death!? Romans7:24). Every part of me wants to bail out, every part of me wants to give myself to this guy, but I have to keep strong. (Who is weak and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin and I do not inwardly burn? 2Corinthians11:29). Our present sufferings are nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed in us, whether that means in years to come or in the New Jerusalem. Many Christians don’t take their salvation to heart. They commit sin today and repent, and go back to committing the same sin again. There is no seriousness in this matter and they expect God to take them seriously? Many worship leaders are busy sleeping around with the congregation, many Pastors’ kids are busy having “fun” with the world yet they claim to represent Christ? The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed yet we are playing around! I long to be the Watchman Nee of our generation. I long to be the Peter of South Africa! I long to be a TRUE follower of Christ!

“For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.”~Romans8:13

We are sinful by nature, but when we accepted Jesus Christ into our hearts we became new creatures. The above verse, no doubt; demonstrate that there is a way out. If we live according to the sinful nature we will die, this includes both worldly and eternal consequences. We cannot keep making excuse for our desire to sin when God has already made a way out through Jesus Christ. When I realized how much I wanted the church guy, I saw the real sinful nature at work in me. But that doesn’t mean I should do whatever I want to do simply because of that, it means that I should cry even the more for God’s for mercy. This reminds me of the story of the Blind beggar in Lue18. When he heard that Jesus was in town and considered the state in which he was in, he CRIED out for God’s mercy to be upon him. God says in his Word, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” Romans9:15. You have to cry out to God like the blind man did to have mercy upon you, and He will show you his great compassion. (If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who as him. Luke7:11). He will give you grace to keep you from falling into the same sin, grace to help you put to death the misdeeds of the body, and will lead you into eternal life- the New Jerusalem.

“The Spirit helps us in our weakness.”~Romans8:26

Do not allow the sinful nature to keep you from God’s plan

I felt really discouraged due to the fact that I was experiencing such excitement in my body, blood running all over when I thought of church guy. Just in my previous blog I was speaking so boldly against sin yet here I find myself being so weak to the same once again. I felt like: I just can’t do this, I am not going to make it, this is a long holiday and I’m going to be home for long, and church guy won’t relent. Maybe when I’m in Bloemfontein I’m embarrassing myself, maybe when I’ve got a strong support system from my church and my ladies… perhaps then I can be strong, but not here in Mafikeng. God once said to Pharaoh the man who refused to free His people that, “I raised you up for this very purpose that I might display my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.”  Romans9:16. We always think that God is looking for those who seem to have no complications in their spiritual journey, for those who never battled with fornication or any kind of sexual immorality, yet only God knows what He’s looking for and perhaps He’s looking for you? Imagine Him telling pharaoh that he raised him up so that His power can be revealed through him? Wouldn’t you think that’s bizarre, you’d think God would only say that to Moses or Abraham not an enemy like Pharaoh! Perhaps today you find yourself bound in sexual immorality, you feel disgusted by the fornication you committed the previous day or week or month, you have no hope whatsoever that God could possibly show His power in you. Yet He says my dear friend, even to you today, “I raised you up for this very purpose that I might display my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth!” Do not give up on yourself! (Often times God will prove to you that your evaluation of those whom you think are good is inaccurate. Instead, those whom you consider not good may be greatly used by God. We may be good today, but that does not guarantee that we will be good to the end. We may be bad today, but the Lord may turn us to be good tomorrow. We should never trust in our own judgment. Witness Lee).

“O, wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from this body of sin? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord.”~Romans7:24-25