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| With my boarding mates and me on the top right corner! |
It was not only the issue with men that made me identify my
desperate need for Jesus; it was also my physical well-being, my hygiene as a
young girl growing into a woman! I got my first period at a very early age and
unfortunately I never had anyone explaining to me the process that was taking
place in me! In fact when my monthly period came I’d keep it a secret and use
toilet paper as a sanitary pad! I was just scared that they would think that I
had done something wrong because my mum always suspected that I’m pregnant even
before I knew nothing about sex! Nobody
taught me how a girl needed to take care of herself, things like folding
clothes and keeping a neat wardrobe…As a matter of fact I grew up in a messy
house and when I say messy I mean mud being brought into the house, bubble gum
stuck on walls and furniture, clothes all over and a dirty bathroom! My mum
would command us to clean (my cousin and I) and after a long day of cleaning
she’d come point out all the dusty patches we missed! I think most mothers have
this bad tendency? It’s not good because this controlling, frightening behaviour
creates fear in the hearts of children, they are afraid of people they should
actually be free with! I was so scared of my mother like she was a stranger,
when she walked in the house or room I’d hold a broom or think of anything wrong
I could have possibly done! This led me to being scared of every adult
actually, I couldn’t have a proper conversation with adults and I resorted to
children for company because I knew that they could not intimidate me! My dad
would wonder why even in my teenage hood I’d still spill food on my shirt when
I ate or was always under the mercy of my peers! It made him cross and it also
frustrated me because I did not know what was wrong with me! But now I know
what was wrong with me, I always believed that I’m a fool! My mother would
actually tell us that we are DMD’s which meant fools and she’d make us agree
with her and say, “Yes I am a fool!” Whenever we committed mistakes like all
other kids do she’d say in our presence, “I don’t know why God gave me such
dumb children! I wish He gave me boys instead!”
When I went to boarding school I was very afraid and
intimidated by my peers! Wondering what they were thinking of me made me so
uncomfortable and clumsy! I could not handle myself as a person and I think I
was considered the dirtiest in my dormitory! My dorm mates would gossip about
me, made me feel like an outcast and some of them actually confronted me! This
still left me feeling terrible about myself and I knew I had no one to talk to
because obviously my mum wouldn’t tell me anything different! The low self-confidence in me showed in the
outside! I did not consider myself like a living, valuable human being, never
cared about the state my hair was in, the chipped nail polish, my smelly
armpits perhaps, my body getting fatter and fatter! I did not love myself to
such an extent that I freely give my body to be used! When
I re-dedicated my life to Jesus, He made me see that He’s been longing to take
care of me, not only my spiritual being but my physical being and other
dimensions too! ( He
shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm,
and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.
Isaiah 40:11). Without feeling condemned and unloved or disgusting, my room has
gradually changed from clothes lying all over to a neat clean space because I
understand that the presence of God is always there and He can’t dwell in a
filthy place! I am being taught to take
care of simple stuff like nail polish, smell good, bathe when necessary and how
to eat properly! There might still be people who find me dirty and disgusting?
In fact there are, I see it in the way they look at me and the words they tell
me, “You must love yourself!” And in my heart I say, Lord I know where you
brought me, I used to be worse! (“I do not consider myself yet to have
taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining
toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God
has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Phil3:13-14) When I make them
uncomfortable because I don’t dress the way they do, I just thank God that I
have clothes covering my body! When they have problems with my room which has “germs”,
I thank God that I have a room to sleep in! See, I am not complicated! (I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content
whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have
plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,
whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me
strength.” Phil 4:11-13)
One day my sister reckoned that I am no
close to being a proverbs 31 woman! I think
she was just embarrassed by me saying that in somebody’s presence! It hurt me
because even if she didn’t show any qualities of the proverbs 31 woman, I still
called her that because I know that she could become one, why couldn’t she just
return the favour? But like I said, your loved ones won’t always tell you what
you want to hear only God will! God’s unchanging promise gives me the
confidence to boldly state: I may not be where I want to be yet, but I’m not
moved by what I see! God builds my character and strengthens me each day! I am
that virtuous woman proverbs 31 talks about! I’m experiencing God’s wonderful
love, no more fear, low self-esteem, intimidation or hatred of myself and body!
The love of God is with me! I don’t need visual evidence, I believe because I
live by faith and the kind of faith that moves mountains! I am what THAT I AM
says I am!
There are a lot of young women out there
who grew up with no mother, or had no one taking care of them in the right way,
teaching them how to conduct themselves as young women who will one day be
wives and mothers to somebody! These women are just in need of Jesus as much as
I was in need of Him! He has taught me things nobody had ever taught me, He has
taught me to love and appreciate myself! Every girl needs to be taken care of
like a princess! She needs to be told that she is wanted, valued and wouldn’t be
traded for any boy or anything on earth! No matter how people have broken you
in the past, you need to let go and start seeing the beauty in you, and this
will automatically make you take good care of yourself! Remember…” Beauty is not expressed outwardly;
beauty is more than how you look! Beauty is how you accept others for who they
are! It comes from the inside no matter what the image in the mirror suggests
or what society dictates!” Serita Ann Jakes
Beauty is found in Jesus!
I have a crown of beauty instead of ashes, oil of gladness instead of mourning! Garment of praise instead of despair! Isaiah 61:3
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