Why Believe in A God I Can't See!

I knew I had found my relapse when the vision of the tree appeared! This was a gruesome lonely week; I can’t help but to be glad that it has come to an end!  It is one thing feeling rejected by those around you yet one hell of another feeling rejected by God! It all began on a Monday morning when I could not feel God’s presence! I just felt like there was something standing in the way of my prayers and God seemed unreachable! I prayed however because I know that I cannot rely on my feelings to believe in God’s power! I went through the day reminding myself of what Paul said in 2Corinthians 5:7, “For we walk by faith, not by sight!” I went to bed looking forward to a brand new day but Tuesday was no better! I could not understand why God felt so far away from me! Perhaps I unconsciously committed a terrible sin? Perhaps I was not doing well enough? I could not even finish writing an article for my blog which I had planned for weeks before! It was quite bizarre because the Holy Spirit usually shows me my errors!  My prayer was this: God whatever it is that I have done, I am truly sorry! If this is the end of my blog, then it’s fine! Just know that I’ll always be here whenever you need somebody to write for you! Although I went to bed worried and feeling empty, I still looked forward to a better day!

  Wednesday was even worse! I went to campus hoping the people I usually hangout with would cheer me! To my surprise they ignored me when I tried chatting with them! To my greatest surprise they walked away when I tried approaching them during lunchtime! What could have gone wrong? Did I do anything to offend them? We usually have lunch together! We laugh and share jokes and even help each other with our school work!!! My lectures finish at 7pm on Wednesdays so I rushed back home in the cold and dark in anticipation to spend time with God! To my greatest horror, I had lost the keys to my room! The only thing I had with me was my school bag and the clothes I was wearing! No books to study for the night, no bible to read, no clothes to wear for tomorrow, no toothbrush to brush, and still had a compulsory practical lecture to attend the following day! The only thing I thought of was breaking my door but the cost would be much more than just getting a new key! Fortunately I live with my sister in the same house so she let me sleep in her room for the night! I did not get the opportunity to spend time in God’s presence like I was looking forward to when I rushed back from class! My energy was just drained! My prayer for that night was: Lord, I know that I walk by faith and not by sight but I must admit, not feeling your presence makes it hard for me to believe! I will however pursue you because I believe that you did not bring me this far to leave me! It was not easy looking forward to a better day that night! Wondering…what will I wear? Will I wear the same clothes? What will I have for breakfast since my sisters food is in my room! What am I going to brush my teeth with?  What books am I going to carry to class? What bible will I read! Such little strength was left in me on Thursday! A close friend constantly discouraged me and doubted my abilities!

There was an interview session in our English class and I volunteered to be interviewed just like everybody else was! This friend discouraged me giving me negative gestures! He even asked in disbelief if I was certain that I want go ahead! I said yes, don’t feel sorry for me! Later during the day while we on break, we went to watch the “idols” singing competition near the student centre!  One friend said, “Tissy, you should join this competition! Your voice is great!” This other friend said, “No ways! Tissy wouldn’t do this!” I just looked at him and said, “Friend, you don’t know me!”  Wondering how somebody could belittle me so much I nonetheless stood on God’s promise although I could still not feel His presence! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! When people merely think that I am incapable, God’s Word says that I am capable! I must admit though, it is not easy believing what you are saying when you feel like God has abandoned you! I tried to imagine my life without God and it looked terrible! I asked Him, God why are you so far away from me! Didn’t you say in Joshua 1:9 that I should be of good courage? That you are with me wherever I go? Didn’t you say in Hebrews 13:5 that you would never leave me nor forsake me? My lectures finished late so I could not go get a new key! In the evening I just wanted to pray and cry unto God! Right before I got into bed I asked my sister if we could pray and she irritably said no! I just went to the bathroom and the only prayer I could make was the Lord’s Prayer! A powerful prayer! It says it all when we don’t have any words to utter!  At least the following day was a Friday and perhaps it would get better!  In the morning when I got up our water was cold because the electricity had run out!

 Bathing in a basin I wondered…is praying to a God I cannot see worth it? At this point I had forgotten about what this invisible, immortal God had done in my life, all I could just see were my problems! The Holy Spirit within spoke for the first time this week and said yes, praying to God is worth it because this week God placed you in somebody else’s shoes! 

Today when I pray I find myself weeping for somebody out there who has not experienced God’s touch, who does not know how the presence of God feels like! Somebody who is really lonely and doesn’t understand that he has great companionship in Jesus! I find myself weeping for somebody who is constantly being let down by others and has no idea of his potential and the power that works in them! I weep for somebody who does not know his purpose in life, who does not know how to utilize their gift and talent God placed in him-that’s if he even is aware that he’s got exclusive gifts! It is frustrating not to have something to look forward to the next day! I weep for somebody who does not have clothes to wear, water and toiletry to bath, somebody who doesn’t have an education and this person usually resorts to doing evil in order to make things right! I weep for somebody who is being hated by his family for following Jesus, for wanting to pray to this Jesus! Somebody out there is really getting persecuted for being a Christ follower!

Although this was a hard week for me, it was also a week of spiritual growth and productivity! I developed a strong bond with the people I go to church with! He was just preparing me for the greater things He promised me! For no eye has seen, no ear has heard and no mind conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him! I am sharpened as iron sharpens iron! One of the overseers from my church CRC asked me to open a cell group for the whole Suburb in which I live in and it commences this coming Thursday! Hallelujah! God was preparing me in a sense that I will be leading a whole lot of individuals facing different kinds of problems and uncertainties! People who give up easily in their spiritual walk simply because they cannot see or feel God! People who lack and don’t have enough spiritual resources to help them hold on to this cross! God was preparing me and enabling me to stand boldly in front of these people and say, I may not understand what you are going through but I have a slight idea! Just hold on!  Thing is people want a quick fix! Like I wanted to break my door when my keys were lost, people want to do something really quick to fix their problems! It is hard trusting in God when you are going through a hard time and let alone not feel Him, but just hold on! God is not a liar!!!

Friday afternoon I rushed back home hoping to ask one of my housemates to lend me twenty rands so that I could get myself a new key! I popped into our accommodation office just to ask them my key number because they usually do not give you keys the second time if you have lost them! I just told the man my problem and he silently took out the key and gave it to me! Those who know this man will agree with me that he’s quite impossible to understand! When I got to my room and started praying the vision of the tree appeared! In the image it was raining heavily with storms and winds but the tree did not move! I kept thinking that it would move because it is impossible for a tree to stand firm under such harsh conditions! The Holy Spirit told me that those who put their trust in God are products of the impossibilities!!! We are not easily swayed away by life’s circumstances and our fire never runs out! We are like a tree planted by the rivers of water! Our leaves do not wither! We produce forth fruit in our own season!! And everything that we do shall succeed!! (See psalm 1) My season has come and I am producing my fruit! Not because I deserve it, but because I still believe in a God I cannot see!

My sweet Lord Jesus, even today my love for You remains! May your sweet will be done in my life, in the lives of those reading this and in those who are in need of your presence! Touch lives in a mighty way my King, feeling Your presence is an honour! Honour your children who are going through tough times with your sweet presence my Lord! We love you sooo much our King! Amen!

 " For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 8:38-39