I never imagined that one day I’d be at this point- reading,
studying and researching on toxic people, but thanks to the toxic relationship
I got myself in, I’m here. There’s something about a toxic person or situation
that alters one’s life dramatically, either for good or for bad. After my own
incident, I decided to inform myself as much as I could about toxic people and
how to protect myself from allowing them to keep invading my life. This is not
an easy process because you tend to mistrust people’s motives and question your
own sanity as well. But oh well, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do:
protect yourself, rely on God, and be discerning. I am currently reading a book
by David Gillespie called, TAMING TOXIC
PEOPLE- THE SCIENCE OF IDENTIFYING & DEALING WITH PSYCHOPATHS AT WORK &
AT HOME. It is very enlightening and could be of great help to those who
want to know the rationale behind psychopathy. Below is an extract which I found
quite interesting and worthy of sharing: The psychopath and social media.
It might seem like social media platforms, such as twitter, snap
chat, Instagram, and Face book, have been with us forever, but in reality, they
have only been a part of most of our lives since 2010. Dating apps like Tinder
are even more recent addition to our social lives. Social media apps are an
extraordinary boon to psychopaths because they provide information about us
that psychopaths would otherwise have to subtly extract in person and, because
of this, they disable our automatic detection capabilities.
Most people who use social media are essentially honest about
what they post. Sure it’s possibly exaggerated or shown in the most possible
light, but still basically honest. Yes, the selfie is taken from above in dark
light but it’s still you. Yes, the new car is leased and you will probably only
be able to afford the payments for the next six months, but it is your new car
(for now). Yes, your kid did win the race, but you forgot to mention there were
only two children in this age group.
This is all gold for a psychopath. When they are looking for
someone they can manipulate, they need information and access. A critical part
of their approach is convincing you that you and they share similar interests.
They mirror your hopes and desires and this is part of why you will find them
fabulously charming and trustworthy. Before social media, this meant they had
to find you, meet you in person, and manufacture a reason to have a lengthy
conversation with you that did not make you suspicious of their motives and
charm. Now all they need to do is read your social media posts. Not only do
they acquire valuable information very quickly and remotely, they gain enormous
insight into your insecurities.
And this is the second gift that social media gives
psychopaths. Before social media, a mountain of careful observation, a
significant amount of constant interaction and skillfully applied social skills
would be required to get a good read on the buttons that needed to be pushed to
light up your insecurities. Now all that is needed is a trawl through your
posts and comments to see who you are dissing or loving and why; or a quick
browse of your photos to see if you like being the center of attention or avoid
the limelight; or a little click through your history of social media likes to
see who you admire and what you admire about them.
The final present for psychopaths delivered by social media
is secrecy. They can gather all this information without running the slightest
risk that they will be detected. When we talk to people in person, we are
communicating on many more channels than through the words we say. We are
unconsciously watching every expression on their face. Our emotional radar is
fully engaged and we will be alert to the slightest disconnects and variations
in expression and vocal tone that gives us “the creeps” about psychopaths. The
longer they are in conversation with us, the more risk they run and they will
be detected. With the advent of social media, they can research us, strike up a
relationship with us, and communicate endlessly with us without ever having to
expose themselves to the risk of our psychopath alert going off. Dating apps accelerate
this process even more. There, we are explicitly informing the psychopath that
we want a high speed relationship, something the psychopath is all too willing
and able to provide.
In the online world, our only means of communication is our
least socially tuned- the written word or the highly controlled selfie. By the
time we actually meet the psychopath we have been communicating with, we are
well and truly hooked on this incredibly charming persona and probably blind to
(or at least willing to overlook) any disconcerting lapses. Friendship and even
love will be airlifted in by false intimacy and feigned common interests rather
than developed by long term exposure to the other person’s personality. At the
same time, psychopaths are acutely aware that this is how social media can be
used and so are highly unlikely to post much information at all about
themselves. Anything they do post will be very vague and largely self-aggrandizing.
Remember they need to project a highly crafted individualized image. That will
be easily messed up if anything in their social media history is out of line
with that image.
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