The Toxic Nature of Counterfeit Love (PART 5)

Continues from previous blog...

Later during the same day (Sunday after church) I was bored at home and missed him so I asked him if I could visit him and just chill. He said that he would love that! When I got to his place he had a glass of alcohol on the table and was drinking. I decided to keep quiet about it. I found him lying on the couch watching a movie so I joined in. He was so enthusiastic about the movie and I asked questions because I saw it interested him just so it could at least feel like we were communicating. 

After the movie he changed the channel to watch wrestling! I went on my phone and came across an article on how you’ll know that you were meant to be with someone. Tears were rolling down my face as I read. I was feeling so starved of love and affection, I was with him but feeling very lonely more than I had been when he was not in my life. I couldn’t bottle it up anymore so I stood up and asked him if he really does want to be with me. He sighed again in disappointment that I was starting again with my nagging. He wanted to find out why I had asked that. I told him because we don’t talk, that he was busy watching TV while I’m right there. He said, "Okay, what do you want to talk about?" I said, "I don't know...".  "You want to talk but you don't have anything to talk about?", he asked laughing. Toxic relationships make you feel like you are crazy, like you just don't know what you want. Why couldn’t we just communicate and be a normal couple?  I started crying, I could not help it as I expressed myself. “When I was single I was so happy, and I asked God for a partner.” I prayed about it, why was I not experiencing what I had prayed for? Had God forgotten me? Was this all a lie? Is this the testimony of grace that I would tell people for waiting on God for pure intimacy? I remembered his message at Church earlier about asking God for His kingdom to come on earth when we were facing challenges. So I got down on my knees and began praying about our relationship and for him- asking God for His kingdom to come in our relationship as it is in heaven. One thing I learned from the relationship is that being Christian does not mean we are going to have an easy life. After leaving my ex’s I was expecting God to give me a perfect partner. I thought that’s how it goes when you’re in the will of God; everything becomes so smooth since you had been waiting on Him. It’s the influence of social media…people mean good to share their stories and how God came through for them and we covet their experiences.

We fought so much about what seemed like the little things, but everything stemmed from the fact that he came to me with a bible but during the course of time his fruit revealed something else. I felt deceived and hurt. I dumped him all the time and he would come asking me back. He would tell me how I’m his life but would not treat me as such! He would fail to keep his promises, he would take long to respond to my messages and that gave me so much insecurity. On one evening we were supposed to have our bible study on video calling but he remained quiet. He had been with his friends that day so I assumed that he was still with his friends when I went to bed tired. The next day I asked him what had happened and he told me that he was extremely drunk that he didn’t even know how he got home. I laughed about it at least grateful that he had been honest with me. I asked him though why he was behaving like a teenager and he shut me off completely by saying that i was now insulting him! It happened again one evening that he didn’t keep his word on us having bible study. I sent him a whats-app text and realized that it got delivered but wasn’t read. During the course of the night the message was read and only the following day at around 8:30-09:00 a.m he responded saying that he fell asleep on the couch. That led me to dump him again because I was afraid to be led by someone who won’t keep his commitment to me on such seemingly small matters. I imagined him drunk or having another girlfriend from his church, fornicating, hence he could not even keep his word. I imagined a future with him as his wife constantly dissapointed that he didn't make it to important family matters because he had been drunk.

That was the final goodbye.