Festering Old Wounds- Part 4

I changed my mind about bathing and he suddenly wanted us to leave! One of those people who have a way of pulling you in and pushing you away. So we left. I asked him to pass by the grocery store. As he was parking, a lady in the parking lot opposite him was also parking and they both exchanged huge smiles. It's like there was a meaning to the parking only understood by them. Everything had vanished to him; his focus was getting the lady's attention. I didn't read much into it so I asked him if he was getting off with me. He said, "No hurry, be quick!" "Come on.", I tried convincing him. He insisted on his reply. He urged me to hurry up though so I playfully said that I'll take my sweet time. As I got out the store a few minutes later, he was right in front of me stating that he felt guilty. I laughed and thought, "oh...". I thought he felt guilty for not going in the store with me but then he said, "I opened the door for you!" And he went into the store. As I sat in the car waiting for him I said under my breathe, "Lord give me wisdom to handle this." Maybe putting myself in that situation in the first place was not in accordance with God's will but the Word still invites us to ask for wisdom when we need it: "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all WITHOUT FINDING FAULT, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

When he got into the car he said sorry and was about to start a new different topic about what he bought! I laughed, and thought how stupid can one seem though? I knew that the reason he did all that was either he was embarrassed to be seen with me or he was following the lady from the parking lot. As I was expressing myself he interrupted, "Oh so I'm not supposed to smile with people!" Gas-lighting. It was not even about the smile, it was how he made me feel. How can you one moment kiss me and the next you make it seem like I'm a non-existing figure? I wanted to get everything out my chest and wanted to make him see that love was staring right at him, why wont he accept it...but try loving a broken person...

As I was about to say one more word he shut me out by asking where he should drop me off? Deafening silence. I had to come to terms with the truth: he had lost his father. He was driving a better car. He was living in a different apartment. But his character had not changed. It reminded me of Sherry Argov's words, "Always look at what you're dealing with; what you see is what you get. His character won't change. His career might change, his clothing might change, his priorities might change, his residence might change. But his character will stay the same.

Bad feelings were now projected onto me. Why am I so mean when someone is still in the early stages of grief? Why am I just not grateful that he offered that I go bathe at his place- heck he even came all the way to get me! Why am I showing him that I am aware of his false self? Why am I fighting so much when all he wants is compliance…and a booty call? When I had just gotten out of high school still living in the virtual world I went on a date with a guy I met online to one fancy restaurant. The guy just wanted to know me I assume and there were several times he came to see me and never wanted sex. I got impatient because sex was the only way I knew how to communicate. I would giggle and be silent as he tried to communicate and get so disappointed when he dropped me off at my place without wanting sex. The guy was nice to me even though I had lied about my online profile picture, probably just attracted to the imaginary world I had portrayed through typing, or he just felt pity for me. Henry Cloud said, “Many sex addicts are looking for sexual experiences, but what they really desire is love and affection.” This guy was nice but the hurt I carried played a major role in pushing him away with my behavior that he finally told me to go find my father. Emotionally, I was still stuck at twelve years not having dealt with the trauma I faced, so I refused great opportunities when they stared right st me. Settling for a low life was all I knew. I needed love but  didn’t even know how to ask for it because I felt like I didn’t deserve it. “No man would want a fat girl anyway”, echoed the voice of my loved ones. So the only way I knew how to lure people in was through being pretentious and pathological lying. Trust me I went to church, I spoke in tongues. I delivered sermons, but I was still broken. Externally I seemed well but inside I was falling apart. 

The Word says, “Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.”- (Isaiah55:1) It was only when I became vulnerable bringing my weaknesses to Christ that He began the process of healing. I had to stop fighting the fact that I was wounded, yes by my own actions and more so the actions of people close to me. I had to stop putting on a mask of ‘strength’ and just admit that I was in need of someone or something greater than any accolade in this world. I had to face the truth of this appeal from Revelations3:17-18, “You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing’. But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.”

Maybe I took a detour by going back to the guy when I knew exactly what kind of a person he is. But I truly believe in the power of God to heal hurt, hurtful people. I think I’m expecting to change him, to make him realize that there’s love and life to experience out here! But I recall that guy who never condemned me for lying to him about my room-mates pictures; he didn’t try to interrogate me or try to find closure. He just let it be. Who knows he was praying for me? And I only realized my blunders five years later. He didn’t need to be part of my life for my healing to come, he never had to force me or try by all means to make me see I needed help. Something I could learn from him.