For six months I grew accustomed to writing a blog without a pen and paper, but here I am again back at square one. I realized Wednesday evening that my laptop was missing, not only my laptop, but my camera too. I was devastated. How many more tears can one shed?
In exception of my bible my laptop contained most of my life, study material for my exams, the bits of pieces I was writing, my media-everything. I could not understand. I prayed so hard to get that laptop. I got a brief scolding from my dad for always losing my laptops (three laptops in three years). My mum’s face when she paid for it…I dedicated it to God. After getting my laptop I prayed that the Lord would protect it for me. This was so unexpected.
“Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him. Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!”~ Job1:21&13:15
For two days I sat in my room in depression weeping, unable to study. Who could be so heartless to steal my laptop during such a critical time of exams? I don’t know…I guess I trust too much. When I arrived from campus on that day, I left my room open and went to the kitchen or bathroom, not sure, it’s something I usually do. Later in the evening that’s when I discover that my laptop was not there?? No stranger can come inside the house because the gate is always locked. No stranger can come inside my room, only someone who knows my where-abouts. I am so disappointed. I thought I could trust my housemates. I thought we were brothers and sisters. I love them.
In the wallow of despair
My mind was racing, I was mad and heart broken. I spent two days and two nights praying in tears. Talking to God comforted me. I don’t understand God’s ways but I know that he will not allow destruction to come near me, so this can only be part of his plan. I will wait on Him to render justice.
God’s ways don’t make sense…
After jogging one morning I got a brilliant idea. I am going to steal a laptop from one of my housemates whom I was suspecting. I asked another housemate to help me with the plan, but he said he couldn’t help me because he is not a thief. That was so ridiculous of me though. I just thought-why should I wait on the Lord when I’m hurting and everyone around me is laughing and drinking probably with my laptop money? Why should I wait on a God who’s good to everyone including the wicked who steal from others? (The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming. Psalm37:12-13). God’s promises don’t make sense. People know that I’m Christian and they take advantage of that to hurt me-and I have to wait on God who promises justice, yet is see no justice? Thieves are prospering while I struggle year in and year out with the same thing, and I have to wait on God??? I don’t understand…
A plan of action
One evening, while everyone was in the kitchen I tip-toed out my room. My heart was beating so fast and fear surrounded me because that was the night I was going to steal a laptop. It was out of desperation, everything I did was all because I was heart-broken. I wasn’t thinking straight. When I almost pulled the handle deep fear surrounded me so I ran back to my room. What in the world was I thinking trying to steal a laptop!? I’m trying to trust in You God. You say, “Trust in Me” and I am I’m like …I’m trying. It’s so hard when everything is going so wrong. How do you allow such things to happen though?
My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,
declares the Lord. ~ Isaiah 55:8
declares the Lord. ~ Isaiah 55:8
Enough is enough!
After days of cries and groaning I finally got the guards to approach my housemates. I asked each of them if they went into my room and took the laptop and camera but they all said no. Some of them encouraged me to go to the police, some felt sorry, and others didn’t care. I felt in my heart that the Holy Spirit was telling me that I have said enough prayers, that it was about time to act and let justice be done. After so much prayer it was confirmed in my spirit that one of my housemates was the one who stole my laptop, and I was going to open a case at the police station.
“There’s a time for war and a time for peace. When the wicked are cast down you will see it! Arise O Jehovah and let your enemies be scattered! If God be for me, who can be against me?”
6am early the following day the police arrived at the house. I take them to my housemate’s room whom I highly suspected. He comes out wearing nothing but his shorts, rubbing his eyes. “This is the person I’m suspecting!” stating my case boldly. The police interrogated him, he looks so scared, and I can see his Adam’s apple as he swallows saliva in fear. I don’t care what he thinks of me afterwards, I’m just excited about getting my laptop back! If he could steal from me, then I can also be mean to him. I’m tired of being friendly and keeping friendships just because I want people to come to my home cell or to church. I’m tired of being taken advantage of.
The police officer commands him to go into the van with him. “Can I at least put on a shirt?” he asked. “Nope, you’re coming just like you are!” I’m looking out my window seeing him being dragged behind the police van, I’m just excited that I’m getting my laptop back. I begin praying and praising God with no doubt whatsoever that my housemate is the culprit behind my stolen laptop. Firstly, because the Holy Spirit confirmed it, and secondly because my housemates convinced me that it’s him, and I should call the police. Everything felt so right. One of my housemates even came to me in the morning telling me that she had a dream that that particular housemate I suspected felt bad about stealing the laptop and wanted to return it. How much clearer could things be?
After hours of waiting and panting around my room the police van parked outside the yard. I ran outside so excited that my laptop has come back. My housemate passes me crying like a little boy…I walked slowly to the police officers asking them where my laptop was. “This guy did not take your laptop” they said. “But…I don’t understand…” The look on their faces displayed a sense of guilt and sadness perhaps because of how they treated him, yet he was innocent. “I don’t understand…I’ve got another suspect. Can you question him too?” “He’s probably going to deny it too” he said. It seemed as if the officers just wanted to get away from that place. Who knows what they did to him?
Feeling Disappointed by God
I went inside my room back again to the place of despair. I thought all along I was being led by the Holy Spirit? Clearly I was lying to myself. All this time it hasn’t been the Holy Spirit leading me, it was my own consciousness. I’ve been lying to myself. In the Gym I thought he was my trainer, but it was my consciousness. When I asked him if he loves me, it was my conscious mind saying “yes I love you.” God has never led me into anything; it was my mind that was. If he knew that I would face such embarrassment and torture He wouldn’t have brought me to this. I was just leading myself and convincing myself that it was the Holy Spirit. I’m so scarred.
The house is full with so much buzz, everyone is running around wondering what’s up with the drama. They feel sorry for my housemate. They gather around together with him, comforting him, I look like the bad person here. I feel so bad, what have I done!!!? I bet they told him that I wanted to steal a laptop. I bet they told him that I’ve been suspecting him all along. Because the last thing I heard him say was, “I don’t care about her.”
Oh Holy Spirit, are you real? Do you love me? Why do they gather against me? I’m in the middle of my exams and in so much pain. They don’t care that my laptop is gone, but they make me feel bad for doing the right thing and calling the cops. Sure I feel bad for suspecting the wrong person and at the right time I will go and apologise- hope he accepts my apology. I wish I could numb this pain, I wish I could have something physical. A glass of vodka-that would make me forget all about my problems. Sex- that would give me a sense of closeness. Masturbation- that would relieve my pressures. Suicide- that would take away all this pain.
"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."~John16:33
I feel so ridiculous reading my bible. It tells me that I won’t be afraid, yet I am so afraid. It tells me that God will never leave me nor forsake me, but how did I get into this mess? “Titi, why is that you hardly see the good that God does, but dwelling so much on the wrongs?” In my state of mind I know that I will never ask myself this question, so it can only be the Holy Spirit. Ughrr, there I go again lying to myself. “Yes Titi, it’s me.” Ssshh sshh, it’s not you, it’s me, it’s my mind telling me this!!” ( We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed. 2Corinthians4:8-10).
“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”~Hebrews13:5
It’s a new day. I’m in gym. Running on the treadmill covered in sweat and tears. I don’t understand God’s plan, but I’ve come too far to stop trusting him now. Everything looks so bleak, I want to quit, I want to die, but I’m still holding on. I’m still holding on to you Jesus because you are my Father. I’m hurting but you are my comforter. I’m confused but I’m hopeful. One day I want to sit amidst children and tell them my story. I want to tell them about God’s love, power, and faithfulness but I have to experience it first. Whatever comes my way, it’s all right. Despite the storms that come I know that I am safe right here under the shadow of His wings.
“Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high , because he hath known my name. He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.”~ Psalm91:14-15