It’s okay to fall…
Who can say, I have made my heart clean, I am pure from my sin? Proverbs20:9
When I fell into sin all hope faded. The enemy had me convinced to shamefully place my weapons on the ground; it was time to exit the battlefield. It takes guards to get up again after you have fallen. I have lived twenty two years in the flesh and only one year and a few months in the spirit, so, it’s always a struggle. The devil seeks to overwhelm me; reminding me of my past, reminding me of where I come from, of how I grew up, and of what I’ve done. He wants to convince me that there is no hope, that I am definitely a product of my past and change is impossible. I am so thankful to my sweet Holy Spirit who always reminded me of who I am and the plans He has for me. My eyes get watery when I recall the goodness of my Lord. The love He shown me even when I found myself in the deep dark ditch of sexual immorality. His fierce love is what made me refuse to let go off my weapons and stay in the battlefield. Where else can I find such love?
He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.John 7:38
It’s okay to fall but when we fall into sin we get disconnected from the Source of Living waters and divine life ceases to flow out of us. I remember how fired up I was for the Lord before I fell into sexual sin. I had just completed a fast of crucifying the flesh which drew me so much closer to God. After sinning I felt so much humiliation and nakedness, it’s as if I could feel what Adam and Eve felt in the Garden of Eden. That is so devastating. (The thief comes only to kill, to steal, and to destroy; but I came that you might have life and have it more abundantly. John10:10). Every resource I invested in my spirituality seemed as if it was a waste, therefore, thoughts of remaining in sin crossed my mind. Divine life ceased to flow out of my belly. Although he loves me dearly, the Holy Spirit was grieved. I’ve got to earn His trust again, just like every other relationship, when betrayal occurs; it takes time to trust again. The cost of sin is just too much! It has been more than a month since my fornication, and ever since then, I haven’t had any physical manifestation of the Holy Spirit. I haven’t heard Him speak to me in that still small voice, just only through His Word. I haven’t felt “holy” or glorious, or spiritually strong. I think I’m at a place where God wants me to be! (But the word of the Lord was unto them precept upon precept, precept upon precept, line upon line, line upon line, here a little and there a little; that they might go, and FALL BACKWARD, and be BROKEN. Isaiah 28:13)
I’m at a place where God wants me to be. A place where I can’t boast in my strengths. A place where I can’t look down on others. I have a housemate who always came to my room and she told me the hottest news of the house, how she always hear people making noise while having sex. Together we looked down on them, talked about them, considered ourselves better than them. One day I heard the same person who always came to me, in her room with her boyfriend, moaning and making the loudest noise! I’m shocked but here’s the catch: I can’t look down on her, I can’t judge her, I can’t consider myself better than her, because a month ago I was also committing the same sin! (There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another? James4:12)
Yea, now what’s next?
A fool doing some stupid thing a second time is like a dog going back to its vomit. Proverbs26:11
I really do not encourage anybody to commit sin intentionally. If you can avoid sin then don’t do it. Sin is costly. We all have our struggles; I can avoid greed, so I am not going to be greedy intentionally. If you can avoid sexual immorality, then don’t do it. If you struggle like me, if you lived most of your life in sexual sin, then fast, pray, cry, and be broken before God, refuse a life of sexual immorality! Our victory is assured. I don’t expect somebody who doesn’t know my struggles with sexual immorality to judge me, just like I don’t expect myself to judge someone who struggles with pride issues, always boasting in his self-righteousness. We have our different weaknesses, but we all have a course to finish. Run your own race. There were times when I thought that reading a book about holiness made me holy, but now I understand that holiness doesn’t just come from reading a book, or attending a women’s conference, or jumping up and down in the church. Holiness takes hard work, and pressing on in the Lord, earn it! It might take years, or even decades but that doesn’t matter. Whether I reach my highest peak of holiness on my last breath here on earth, or next year, or even tomorrow, that doesn’t matter. What matters is living a life that pleases my Father and walking according to His ways.
It’s hard to trust myself again but it’s not about me, and it will never be about me! God chose me for His purpose and all I have to do is yield completely to Him. I die daily, for I know that in me (that is in my flesh) dwelleth no good thing. For the good that I would, I do not: and the evil which I would not, that I do. So now, what then can separate me from the love of God? If God loves me this much then I can careless about how long it takes me to reach my finish point. I don’t care if I have to start all over again, but I am not going to let the devil have his way in my life. I used to cringe thinking about the many people I might have disappointed by committing sin, but I have learned to never base my spirituality on people. One of my greatest achievements in life is learning to live for the audience of One. (Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press towards the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Phillipians3:13-14). I keep pressing on through the embarrassments and the falls. Through the many eyes that are watching me, I keep pressing on. Through the scornful whispers of the devil, I just keep pressing on. I believe that someday something good will come out of South Africa! Thank you Jesus!
Before all thy people I will do marvels, such as have not been done in all the earth, nor in any nation: and all the people among which thou art shall see the work of the Lord: for it is a terrible thing that I will do with thee. Exodus34:10
Learn from your mistakes, really, learn.
Kabelo moved out from our commune to another city, and I hate to admit this but I was kind of sad that I might not see him again. I was heavy burdened and constantly thinking about him but through the help of the Holy Spirit, I managed to recover out of that place of despair. Just when I am feeling restored, coming back from the Women’s Conference, and seeing myself drawing closer to God again, I get a text from Kabelo saying that he misses me. Well, doesn’t every girl want to hear that from a guy who has stolen her worth??(Laughs). I smiled as I re-read the message over and over again. Here I am back at that same place of excitement. The devil sets traps for believers because he knows our weak points. It’s about time we rise up as warriors, carry our weapons, and overcome him through the power of Christ’s resurrection. (Now is not the time to fall to the ground and quit! It’s time for the weak to say, I AM STRONG!!! Pastor At). I knelt down, took this matter to my sweet Counselor, Holy Spirit. I don’t want to commit the same mistake again. I don’t want to go around the same mountain for so many years like the Israelites did. I am wiser, I am stronger, I am more dependent on my Father. Jesus will show me the way. (And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee saying, this is the way, walk ye in it. Isaiah 30:21). I no longer act out of impulse or excitement or hormones, I have learned to be still and listen to my Shepherds voice. (My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. John 10:27). I LOVE You so much King Jesus!