There was a time I thought that I’d never
make it, but God pulled me out. He exchanged the ashes of my self-life for the
beauty of His own divine life.
Day2
Kabelo: (BBM chat) I hear you at your
friends place
Me: yea…
Kableo: but how you feeling though?
Me: butterflies…I don’t know, I feel
confused. How you feeling?
Kabelo: honestly I feel normal
Me: alright, I guess I’ll just have to move
on then
Kabelo: yea, I really wish I could help
with the moving on process
Me: it’s alright, I have Jesus:)
I don’t feel like I still have any worth
left in me. When Kabelo looks at me he just sees me as worthless and easy and
cheap. Perhaps I should just go shopping, buy new clothes. Or maybe change my
hairstyle, he will see my beauty and see that I still have some worth in me.
But wait? I’m doing all this for a man? I want a man to define my worth? No,
I’m not going to change my hairstyle; in fact I’m going to remove my wig and be
natural. I can’t buy new clothes or change my hairstyle if I am not abiding in
purity, it’s all worthless. I’m not going to allow a new hairstyle, new clothes,
or a man’s compliments define my worth. I am going to find my worth in Jesus.
Bestow on me beauty for ashes, the oil of
gladness for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that
I might be called the tree of righteousness. ~Isaiah 61:3
At The Crossroads…
00:00am
Kabelo: (BBM chat) you sleeping?
Me: (Prompt reply) no, why?
Kabelo: I just need your email address to
do something
Me: (thinking to myself) He knows that he just
doesn’t want my email address, but anyway…
Sin feels good, pursuing God also feels
good. Which path do I now follow? At that moment I knew that I could just get
out of my bed, walk straight into Kabelo’s bed and do what I wanted to do with
him. Or I could get on my knees and call out to God.("Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between
blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the
choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your
descendants might live! Deuteronomy 30:19) At this point
there’s so much confusion and doubt. I have already messed up why not continue
messing up, it’s going to be so hard getting up on my two feet again. All I can
just think about is what happened between Kabelo and I the other day, I would
like to feel it again, and I’m just a door away from that. But all that meant
nothing to him; he told me he just feels normal. He just wants to please his
flesh and I am looking for worth and comfort. I have to be strong. Fourteen
months ago I began a journey to follow Christ and I cannot turn back now. I
realize that if I sleep with Kabelo again, I will get more attached to him and
he will leave me feeling even more worthless. Every time you sleep with a man
who is not married to you, you lose a piece of your worth in the process. You
end up having him control you, playing mind games on you, using you for his own
selfishness. A man who sleeps with you and has not married you does not love
you. He wants only to satisfy his flesh that is never satisfied. You will get
hurt in the process because you will never be enough for a man who is never
satisfied.
“Failure is not final. Someone once said,
“Failure is not falling down; it is remaining there when you have fallen. That
is so true. Every single believer I have ever known who has gained the victory
over sexual sin did so after many defeats”
I have to get up again. I have to pursue
God in the same way I was pursuing him before I fell. I have to dust my feet
and go through that walk of shame. I choose to follow you God, it’s hard, but I
choose you because life without you is even harder.
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