There was a time I thought that I’d never make it, but God pulled me out. He exchanged the ashes of my self-life for the beauty of His own divine life.
Kabelo: (BBM chat) I hear you at your friends place
Kableo: but how you feeling though?
Me: butterflies…I don’t know, I feel confused. How you feeling?
Kabelo: honestly I feel normal
Me: alright, I guess I’ll just have to move on then
Kabelo: yea, I really wish I could help with the moving on process
Me: it’s alright, I have Jesus:)
I don’t feel like I still have any worth left in me. When Kabelo looks at me he just sees me as worthless and easy and cheap. Perhaps I should just go shopping, buy new clothes. Or maybe change my hairstyle, he will see my beauty and see that I still have some worth in me. But wait? I’m doing all this for a man? I want a man to define my worth? No, I’m not going to change my hairstyle; in fact I’m going to remove my wig and be natural. I can’t buy new clothes or change my hairstyle if I am not abiding in purity, it’s all worthless. I’m not going to allow a new hairstyle, new clothes, or a man’s compliments define my worth. I am going to find my worth in Jesus.
Bestow on me beauty for ashes, the oil of gladness for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that I might be called the tree of righteousness. ~Isaiah 61:3
At The Crossroads…
Kabelo: (BBM chat) you sleeping?
Me: (Prompt reply) no, why?
Kabelo: I just need your email address to do something
Me: (thinking to myself) He knows that he just doesn’t want my email address, but anyway…
Sin feels good, pursuing God also feels good. Which path do I now follow? At that moment I knew that I could just get out of my bed, walk straight into Kabelo’s bed and do what I wanted to do with him. Or I could get on my knees and call out to God.("Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! Deuteronomy 30:19) At this point there’s so much confusion and doubt. I have already messed up why not continue messing up, it’s going to be so hard getting up on my two feet again. All I can just think about is what happened between Kabelo and I the other day, I would like to feel it again, and I’m just a door away from that. But all that meant nothing to him; he told me he just feels normal. He just wants to please his flesh and I am looking for worth and comfort. I have to be strong. Fourteen months ago I began a journey to follow Christ and I cannot turn back now. I realize that if I sleep with Kabelo again, I will get more attached to him and he will leave me feeling even more worthless. Every time you sleep with a man who is not married to you, you lose a piece of your worth in the process. You end up having him control you, playing mind games on you, using you for his own selfishness. A man who sleeps with you and has not married you does not love you. He wants only to satisfy his flesh that is never satisfied. You will get hurt in the process because you will never be enough for a man who is never satisfied.
“Failure is not final. Someone once said, “Failure is not falling down; it is remaining there when you have fallen. That is so true. Every single believer I have ever known who has gained the victory over sexual sin did so after many defeats”
I have to get up again. I have to pursue God in the same way I was pursuing him before I fell. I have to dust my feet and go through that walk of shame. I choose to follow you God, it’s hard, but I choose you because life without you is even harder.