Have you ever felt that you have wasted so much time living a vain life? Well I felt that way after re-dedicating my life truly to Jesus. There was just so much to have accomplished unlike being fruitless and running with the wind wherever it blows. I am 23years old now, yet I still feel like a huge part of my life was stolen away from me. That’s what happens once you taste and see the goodness of God. It’s been 13 months ever since I re-dedicated my life to Jesus and honestly, I feel like that whole year was also in vain. One just looks back and realises that there’s so much to press forward to. You go through many days and months assuming that you are doing things right, you know how to pray, only to find out that you don’t know anything. You are still nothing. You are still in need of a Saviour and the more you grow the more you discover that really, you can do nothing without God. (You did not choose me, but I chose you and ordained you, that you should go and bring forth much fruit, and that your fruit should remain. John 15:16).
It looks like almost everyone is chosen by God, yet people label these “chosen” as false prophets. I tell God all the time that one thing that I don’t want to be is a false prophet. It’s sad because it comes about from spirits of deception, you can’t help it if you do not abide in Jesus. From last Sunday after experiencing the touch of God I have been earnestly praying for God’s truth in my life, to abide in His truth, to know His truth, to live His truth and not to be carried away by things that do not matter. You know, the things that don’t matter are, the number of times I attend church, the hours that I spend in prayer, or the number of followers I have on social networks. It’s easy to be carried away by all this and drift away from God’s original plan for your life. I asked the Holy Spirit how does one become a false prophet, because it seems as if everyone who is preaching the gospel of Jesus is labelled as a false prophet. And how do I make certain that I don’t be labelled as one of the false prophets when I’m convinced that I love you this much. “You have to read the Word and pray the Word.” There is really no point in making loud meaningless noise or running to church for entertainment because the fruit never lies! (Ye shall know them by their fruits. Math7:16).
Pursuing a spiritual life for me is the same as pursuing a weight loss goal. When you go to gym and announce that you eat healthy foods people expect to see the results of your hard work at some point in life. You may publicly go to gym, do the longest cardio or lift the heaviest weights but really, that doesn’t matter. What matters is what you eat back in your private space when no one is watching. Year after year, still the same weight or even getting fatter and people will now begin to question your claims. It’s the same with following Jesus. Countless times in the bible we are promised that as true followers of Christ, we are going to have to produce the fruits of the spirit and fruits of righteousness. You are always in the church, you are always updating your godly statuses, yet in your private closet you are pleasing your flesh or lying in bed with a man who has not even earned the right to uncover God’s temple. After five years people are expecting to see the good fruits of your Christian labour but none whatsoever. Instead all that they see is the fruit of abortion, a child out of wedlock, running from one man to another, hatred towards men, the love for sexual immorality, STD’s, HIV, and divorce. And yup, no one should judge them. Well no one needs to judge you because a tree is known by its fruit. If you are a fig tree we will see figs, if you are a thorn tree we will see thorns.
Let me make this clear, following God’s way is not easy. I mean you would rather be sitting there having your alcohol and sex like everyone else not having to worry about fruits and being a false prophet! The thing is; the calling of God in certain people’s lives is extremely powerful that not even being high from weed can make you ignore your vision and destiny. You can either answer the call or delay it but circumstances will always remind you of your calling. So rather endure the process now then having to do it later when you “feel” ready after having lost your whole life. No one is ever ready because the world always has something new to offer, a new boyfriend, a new brand of whiskey…you’ve got to choose to do the right thing and answer God’s call for your life. It’s not easy yes, but because He personally called you, God will carry you through. If you abide in him and he abides in you, you won’t have to fear being labelled a false prophet or being barren because He chose you to go and bear fruit that will remain. If you abide in him you won’t get deceived by your own imaginations of who he is or false revelation from others. You find that an unmarried girl feels good after having sex with his boyfriend and mistaken this as a spiritual encounter that makes her feel “closer to God.” No, they are far away from God. (He that committeth sin is of the devil, for the devil sinneth from the beginning. 1John 3:8). It’s self-deception which automatically leads to spiritual barrenness. I mean, I don’t want to make myself believe that I am in love with Jesus while all along I’m in love with an object or a musical instrument in a song, I want the truth, and the truth is God’s Word! You don’t need an emotional experience, or a sign from heaven, you need the truth, God’s Word.
Growth is a painful process. Sometimes I wish I could stay a child forever, but I can’t. I need to grow, both physically and spiritually!
After experiencing a touch from God the other day at church I began praying really serious prayers. God had revealed to me that He lives and I was going to seek Him earnestly than before. So I chose to seek Him through His Word and through prayer. I read the Word, studied it, meditated on it, wrote it down, and prayed over it for my life. When you pray the Word you pray the truth nothing more. It’s no longer about, “God make me reach my vision”, no, it’s about, “God, let me abide in You, and you abide in me. If there’s any branch in me that does not bear fruit, cut it away, and if there is any branch that perhaps does bear fruit, prune it that it may bear more fruit.” I said God, I’m scared. I don’t want to be alone in this journey. Sometimes it feels good to be praised by people. Sometimes it makes me feel good when I’ve written a good piece, sometimes it makes me feel good to have one more follower on twitter, but I don’t want all this to produce pride that will turn me into a false prophet. Somebody who is after money, fame, recognition, power…no, no, no! (Search me Oh God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts. Psalm 139:23). This is a prayer that every sincere Christians makes. When God tests the heart it’s not a good feeling, He exposes you. This is an incredibly painful process, but if I’m going to produce the fruits of the Spirit, then I have to pay the price and crucify my soul, as well as my fleshly desires.
During my groaning in prayer this whole week the Holy Spirit brought to my attention a couple of things that I had to repent from. He reminded me of the time I was in Jo’burg with that man in the car. Of course I couldn’t have sex with him because I’m a blogger and all, but I wanted to. It was all over my eyes, the way I looked at him, in my voice, the way I spoke to him. I felt that the Holy Spirit was being mean to me right now, how can he embarrass me like this when I’m trying so hard to live a holy life. “Well Titi, you asked that your heart should be tested.” He reminded me of the time back in Mafikeng with the church guy, I led him on with my chats, this cannot be the spirit of God? He reminded me of when I was in Bloemfontein and flirting with Kabelo ending up trying to seduce him with my underwear…spirit of sexual seduction? Is that of God? Whow God, where is this going to? “Well, you asked to be tested?” He reminded me of the way I chat or comment on guy’s updates on social networks, I don’t mean to sound flirty, but it comes out like that. I mean the other day the guy on Facebook was no longer “married” to the girl he was married to and I was so excited thinking, yesss, he’s the one for me! What kind of spirit gets excited when people separate because it desires the other person? No God, you can’t do this to me, you can’t hurt me this much! Yes Titi, you have a Jezebel Spirit, and it needs to be cast out and you have to be delivered.
Spiritual growth is a painful process, I mean, which Christian wants to be told that they’ve got a spirit of Jezebel?
Where it all began
I didn’t want to believe that the Holy Spirit just told me that I’ve got a Jezebel spirit, so I slept over it trying to feel normal about my state of Christianity. But, when I completely shut my ears to God’s correction I found myself doing more ridiculous things like screen munching all the times this Facebook guy liked my statuses and photos and ended up posting them on twitter. I also ended up updating ridiculous statuses about how I love Jesus but they were more carnal than they were spiritual. For instance one status said, “Awesome weather in bloem for lovers to do things lovers do.” What was I trying to insinuate? I don’t know, all I know is that the fruit of Jezebel was now manifesting itself. You can’t help how you behave, how you chat, how you speak because it controls you. You might really love God with all your heart but if you don’t deal with certain strongholds in your life, they will hold you back or even worse produce the wrong kind of fruit.Being disobedient to God is an uncomfortable feeling especially when you keep praying the Word which will reveal the truth. So feeling uncomfortable I remembered that there’s a certain book in my book library that addresses the Jezebel Spirit issue. I read through it, almost finished it in a night, and wow, what a confirmation!
There was a time a few weeks back when I was sitting on my bed and just thinking imagining about the times I’m going to get married, what my husband and I will do and so forth. After getting lost in those lustful thoughts I moved forward reaching out for a paper I was studying with. Instantly I found myself having an orgasm. I was really shocked because I didn’t know what had just happened because I didn’t masturbate. I wondered if this was normal, I wanted to ask people who are abstinent but I was not keen on being judged or whatever so I told one of my friends about it and she joked about it saying that I am experiencing extreme drought in my life. I laughed about it too totally convinced that perhaps that’s how God wants to please me while I wait on Him. But that incident among many others that I mentioned previously was the cause of my stagnancy in my spiritual life with Jesus. I found myself going back to listening to worldly music and didn’t even feel bad about it. I mean I deliberately downloaded the song, Dance For You, by Beyonce and you know how sexually explicit that song is. I’d listen to Diamonds by Rihanna and think that I’m dedicating it to Jesus, but there’s no power in those songs only promoting sexual content, you hear it even in their voices. Well you want to know how fake prophets come about? Self-deception, believing that you are right when you are wrong. And the only way to find out that you are not on the right path is when you seek God earnestly in prayer and in His Word, not when you run from church to church or play music that will get you in the “spirit.”
While reading the book I came across something that really shocked the life out of me.
“Like a tidal wave, deception floods the mind, deepened by the continual need for sensual-even sexual stimulation. (Recall how I was feeling over those past days.) Thereby some individuals will begin to view God as a sensual thing. In ignorance, they may begin to commune with evil spirits, and eventually claim that God has entered their body as in a sexual union. They will privately tell others that they have actually become the “bride” of Christ. They will even begin to experience physical undulations of sexual nature, thinking they are giving themselves to the Holy Spirit, just as Mary did.”
I felt my knees getting weak and my whole body getting numb”, I felt like John Paul Jackson was describing me. “Well Titi, you asked to be tested.”
Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Jesus Christ is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 2Corinthians 13:5
I’m certain now you understand what I meant earlier when I said that I feel like this whole year has all been in vain, but no, it’s called growth. Growth is a very painful process. Sometimes I wish I could be a child forever. Sometimes I wish I could just suck out the milk from the Word like a babe so that I don’t have to concern myself with spiritual matters too large for me. Sometimes I wish I could just go to church and come back, or just not go when I don’t feel like it, pray only when I feel like it! Sometimes I just wish I could stop spreading the gospel of Jesus having no one to be accountable for, but I can’t. I wish I didn’t have to pray such prayers of Psalm 139:23-24, and just pray the Jabez prayers but I can’t. I have to grow, both physically and spiritually.
The Final Cut
On a Saturday morning after just a few hours of sleep I got up, showered, wore my clothes-obviously, took a pen and a note pad and left my room. I wanted to be emptied from everything that’s holding me back from producing the fruits Jesus intends me to produce. If I stayed in my room and cried out loud my housemates would think that I have now lost it! I went to a quiet place where I sat and cried out to God like a helpless child, confronting the Jezebel spirit to detach from my personality. Spirit of seduction, the strong desire to find a man and get married, the strong desire to go back to my past- I want none of these no more. I just want You my God and Savior. As painful as it is, I continue to scream: “Test me God, test me! Test every part of me! Search my heart! See if there’s any wicked way in me and lead me in the path everlasting!”