Value your relationship wih your mother

My mum has travelled back to Australia; she was here for the short Easter holiday.  I’m glad things were alright between us when she left. I have travailed in prayer for so long for my relationship with my mother to like every other normal relationship and God saw my tears, my prayers were definitely heard. (In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: He heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears. Psalm18:6).

My relationship with my mother was a rocky one. I despised her so much, lost hope that things between us will ever get well. It seemed as if she had a lot of painful things to deal with in her life and she took out all her stress on me. I had to accept Jesus to understand all this, I had to allow him to enable me to forgive her for the wrongs said and done. Parents love their children but some don’t know how to raise them, but anyway, that’s a story for my book.

When I accepted Jesus in my life I felt compelled to radically change the world. For a long time I thought that just preaching on social networks or writing on my blog was enough. I thought that being delivered from sexual immorality was the only thing God wanted to do for me, and that was enough. The Holy Spirit told me that if I am to change the world God has to work in me and then work through me. I have to have my own personal experience of God healing every dimension of my life in order for me to go out there and testify. (For you are my hope; O Lord God, You are my confidence from my youth. Psalm71:5).

As I grew in the Lord I came to a point where praying in tongues or attending church every Sunday was not proof of how spiritual I am. The bible tells me that I have to love my neighbor as I love myself and that includes my mother and everyone else who has hurt me. I came to a point where bitterness and anger could no longer reside in my heart but faith that God is able to fix broken relationships. I remember going home in August 2012 when my mother was leaving for Australia.  It had been five months of intense prayer after re-dedicating my life to my King; yet everything seemed as if it was on stand still. My mother continued saying hurtful words to me and that to her was just normal. She called me a witch on that day, and said even when I pray I’m doing it out of an evil heart. Being spiritually immature then, I dwelt on what she said attempting to make her feel bad about it. I thought answering back when she talked was the right thing because I’m telling her the “truth” but there’s only one truth: (Honor your father and mother-which is the FIRST commandment with a promise-so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Ephesians 6:2-3). So many times we attempt changing the world, but God wants us to start right where we are first and that is in our families. We run to our neighbor’s house and “respect” the elders there, but what good does it do if you have no love or respect whatsoever for the woman who bore you?

I will wait for You Jesus. You’re the sun in my horizon. All my hope’s in you, Jesus. I can see you now arising.

This led me to place all the hope I had in God who just has a promise for me. All my life my mother has been saying the same things, behaving the same way; I’ve been living under the same conditions. All my life-it seemed so impossible yet I had a promise to cling on to. (I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27). I went through many, many episodes of anger, I still do, but it’s just an opportunity for me to forgive and place it all in God’s hands. I constantly prayed because I longed for my mother’s love. Things don’t have to remain the same, no, your relationship with the only woman who gave birth to you doesn’t have to remain broken, and God can mend it. He made you your mother’s child for a purpose and He wants you to enjoy the joys of having a family and a sense of belonging. He can make things right but it’s up to you to take the initiative and pray for things to get better. All I’m saying is family is family and God placed you in that family for a reason, stick with your family.

Ways to keep your family together

Pray with each other

One thing I have discovered is that the devil is against relationships where people pray for each other. I can honestly say that my mother never used to pray for me or anybody else for that matter. Instead when she prayed, she’d switch on our bedroom light, kneel there and pray loudly for herself.  After re-dedicating my life to Jesus we began to pray together which is obviously good. It all went wrong when she said that “even when I pray I do it out of an evil heart”. I could’ve gotten mad and never prayed with her again but I realized that it was a way for the devil to stop us from praying together because afterwards my mum seemed ashamed to ask me to pray. I volunteered anyway because I knew that it was the only way God could continue perfecting our daughter-mother bond and bind us with His love. After that incident my prayers were very sincere, it was no longer about me speaking fluent English and uttering vain words to be praised by my mother, but a sincere cry to the Lord to have mercy on us and fix our relationship. It is only through humbling yourself together as a family before the almighty God who brought you together that breakthroughs are achieved.

communicate

My mother and I never used to talk. As I got older I got so bitter towards her that the only way communication could flow was when she asked me questions and I had to reply-afterwards…those awkward moments of silence. We never understood each other because we never took the time to get to know each other. You can only know a person when you have a decent conversation with them. Because I never said anything to my mum, she always had something to say to me, and it was always mostly negative. All I could just do was to absorb her words and fume in anger which was eventually expressed in the external. If she was not saying anything I’d already assume that she had negative thoughts about me-that I’m ugly, I’m fat,  I’m stupid, I’m a failure and etc. After Jesus came into my life that demon that always convinced me that I’m shy and could not communicate with my parents was cast away and I was able to finally get to know my mum. When we communicate with others we see that they have different ways of expressing themselves,  they also have a painful past, hence they’re treating us as they do, and we get to work on how we respond(our character) instead of pointing out the wrong they do or say. I was in the car with my mum a week ago driving to Schweizer-Reneke when we started talking about the church I attend in when I’m at Mafikeng. My pastor is from Nigeria and I actually lied to her saying he is from Zimbabwe because I know she was not going to like it. See, my mother had this mentality that everyone is bewitching us and stealing our “spiritual gifts” Through the entire drive she was cussing, condemning telling me how bad Zimbabweans are. I was fuming inside and I just wanted to burst out and give me a piece of my mind but by the grace of God I was able to remain silent while listening to her trying to make me feel guilty about not listening to her. When she finished talking I asked her if she wanted to know how I met the pastor. I told her the whole story (which you’ll find here: http://tissy-godlives.blogspot.com/2013/01/my-new-years-eve.html?spref=tw)  . After hearing my story she said “oh okay,” and remained quiet since then.  I could have just kept quiet instead of communicating with her but that was only going to produce bitterness in me. Before we slept that evening she asked me to pray for her. “Please pray that I will be able to stop accusing people falsely.” The Holy Spirit can work when we communicate, when we learn to tell our side of the story. My mother was never the kind to ask for such prayers because according to her she was always right and no one could tell her anything. But I promise you, a simple 23year old girl who listens to God daily from his Word, can exhort an old, powerful woman who never takes time to read God’s Word.

Say sorry

We always hurt our loved ones unintentionally it’s something that’s inevitable. Most conflicts happen when there’s too much stress, so people usually leash out their stress on someone very close to them. The most conflict I’ve observed happens when people harbor a grudge for too long instead of just fixing it right away. (Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26). If your mother says or does something hurtful to you decide right away that you are not going to be angry, bitter, or unforgiving. Choose to forgive.  On one particular day I was getting ready to go to gym and my mother had to drop me off there. While I was getting dressed she was busy criticizing me and not approving of how I was dressed. I got quite annoyed and irritably answered her back.  When I got at the gym the Holy Spirit prompted me to be the first to ask for forgiveness even if I felt that she also had to apologize. In order for relationships to work somebody has to be the one willing to ask for forgiveness and it has to always be the born again Christian. Your mother does not have to beg you to build a relationship with you because you actually need her more than she does you especially if you are still under her care. After the Holy Spirit prompted me to ask for forgiveness from my mum she was actually quite happy to see that for the first time in our lives she didn’t have to take me to a fancy restaurant or do anything bribing me to forgive her. Saying “I am sorry” is really an expression people find so hard to say, yet nothing can ever be as effective as those words when you have hurt your loved one. Sometimes all that people want is for you to acknowledge when you are wrong instead of trying to buy their love with expensive gifts. You normally have nothing to lose when you ask for forgiveness; you will simply be strengthening your relationships.

Spend time together

mum and I

When my mum told me that she was coming home for the Easter holiday I was quite defeated honestly. I thought that things would turn out bad like they used to before. I went home however because one other way for relationships to be built is when people spend time with each other. When I spent time with her I got to understand her more, the type of person she is, her communication style, what she likes and what she doesn’t like. I also figured that my mum is girly at heart and she is truly a very sweet person.  My mother used to dictate me to wash dishes, clean at night and do every weird thing you could think of, but during this time we were washing the dishes together. Good relationships are built when people learn to help each other and not dictate what the other person should be doing. We ate out together, we read the bible together, we shopped together, we drove together, and we did a whole lot of stuff together which meant so much to me.

Reasons why you should love your mother

No one can ever love you like she does

There is a special connection between a mother and her child. From birth you were connected to your mother, you were part of her and she was part of you. I don’t believe that God creates such a bond for people to end up despising each other but to enjoy life with one another. Despite all that your mother has done to hurt you deep down in her heart she truly loves you. I remember one day after my mum called me a demon I said to her, “I believe that God has placed love for me in your heart and I would like to experience it as your first born daughter.” I was genuine; I was not just saying that to spite her, I really longed to experience her love for me, and I did. I eventually discovered that there is no one who could love me the way my mother can. God placed that love in her and nobody else.  My mother pays my rent for me. Before I moved to my new place earlier this year I was told that my rent is 2 100 and after moving in the land lord told me that the rent is actually 1 800. I had already told my mum the initial price and for three months, so I always had extra 300 rand to keep for myself. (For there is nothing covered that shall not be revealed; neither hid that shall not be known. Luke12:2). For me this was not such a big deal but to God it was. You cannot claim to love somebody and yet steal from them and besides that, theft is sin. One way or the other my mother found out the truth and I was exposed. The girl who’s always praying and carrying her bible around was now stealing from her mother. I felt condemned but my mother didn’t condemn me at all. She just laughed about and continued showing her love for me. See, a mother knows your darkest secrets and flaws, while everybody around thinks that you are an angel, yet she still continues to love you and takes care of you.

God blesses you through your parents

I realized this truth when I read the 27^th chapter of Genesis. Isaac was a father to Esau and Jacob and when he was old he wanted to bless the first born Esau before he died.  Jacob however wanted the blessing for himself so he stole it by pretending to be Esau. When Esau discovered that Jacob had stolen his blessing he cried unto his father saying, “Bless me even also, oh my father.” Genesis 27:34. In verse 36, Esau asked his father if he had not preserved a blessing for him and Isaac began to open his mouth and blessed him.  Both Jacob and Esau longed for their fathers blessing because no one could bless them as much as he did. I like dresses and wedges so over the past months while my mum was in Australia, I used to go to clothing stores and fit all the dresses I liked. I’d look myself in the fitting room mirror and say, “one day this dress will be mine.” Or, “one day, all these dresses will be in my wardrobe”, and I would imagine them there. One day I went to the mall with my mother and she told me to buy anything that I want. When I went into any clothing store she asked me if o wouldn’t like a certain dress, and if I said I liked it, she told me to take it. I realized my dream of having those many dresses was coming to pass and God was only doing it through my mum and no one else. Don’t isolate yourself from the only person who will take care of you just exactly how God intended it to be.

Me in the fitting room

Your mother will always be your mother and you cannot run away from that reality forever. You can run to other people’s houses but they will never love you as much as your mother does. Some can look for a mothers love from men but they will always drain you out. No one can ever take your mothers place and you have to be determined enough to make things work while both you and your mum are still alive. God listens to prayers. Things have changed between my mother and I because of persistent prayers. My mum used to tell me that I’m after her money and I will not see a single cent of it, today she is buying me everything that I desire. She used to call me fat, dark, and today she compliments me. She used to say that I will struggle in life but today she tells me that I will be a successful person. She used to call me a failure but today she tells me that I’m prosperous! My mother once told me that i have  a strong demon but today she says that truly I am a child of God. Dear friend, is there anything too hard for God?