There is a guy that I really liked; I saw a future with him! My dreams and visions involved him, I wrote about him every day in my journal! We had bible study together, we liked each other, I had his pictures on my wall and my vision file, and it was just all about this guy!!!! We've even fasted together to see if this was the will of God for our lives! We were so blinded by our own desires that we even got to the fast with out minds made up, that we are meant to be well, not sure about him! Things began to change when I thought he was being distant, not replying to my emails, not texting me as much as he used, I just felt like I’m back on that game of pursuing a man and that’s something which I really don’t want! I remember one day I was thinking of him so much and decided to send an email telling him how much I’m thinking about him! He didn’t reply! It didn’t sit well with me and I knew this was a sign, a sign that I should wake up and smell the coffee-and the muffins! I anticipated his reply which never came through and this led me to stalking him, my old life tendencies! Checking everything that he was doing, if he had updated his status, if he is online and when he was online and not sending me a message I got confused and furious wondering who he is chatting to! When I saw him liking or commenting on a girl’s picture, I’d stalk the girl and just hate on her because I thought she was stealing “my man!” I laugh as I type this because our desires can make us drift away from God’s plan! At this time God doesn’t want me hating on or being jealous of anybody because of a man, He wants me to focus entirely on Him! I grew up having a somewhat controlling personality and I thought that I could also bully God in giving me what I want! See, I wanted this guy! I could not imagine my future without him and I actually commanded God, standing on scripture, and sometimes begged Him to give me this man that I so wanted a life with!
One night I missed him so much that I felt like I was going crazy! I wondered if he was also thinking about me. I wondered if I’m holding on to something that I shouldn’t be holding on to! I felt confused! Confusion only comes when we want things to go our own way and push God on the side! We don’t want to listen to what He has to say because it might not be what we want to hear! That is why I went through that day feeling sad and disappointed especially when I got a message and it was not from him! I asked my friends and well they all told me everything they always said! Those who were against me liking him were saying the same thing, and those who sympathised with me were telling me that he’s probably busy! I knew that I had to take the matter to God because there was no way I am going to go through life thinking so much about a man who probably just wants to be friends! I knew that the space I was in was not the space I was supposed to be at, feeling sorry, sad, unwanted because if God were to present a man to me, firstly he would pursue me and I wouldn’t have to go through feelings of uncertainty! I knelt down besides my bed, that’s the only place I go to when I feel defeated and confused! “God, is he the one for me?” Nothing could have prepared me for the answer I got! He said, “No he’s not the one!” I clenched on to my pillow, covering my head with it and regretting why I even asked God that question! This was the man I was planning to spend the rest of my life with and God tells me that he is not the one!!! I felt deceived, embarrassed and felt like a looser! What’s going to happen now to all my dreams, why did I even meet him then if this was going to happen!
I took a deep breath and said, “Ok God, it’s fine! But please carry me through this! Please help me forget about him if I have to! Please take away any feeling I have towards him!” I did not want to believe what I just heard but God always has a reason for everything He says! I started thinking about compatibility. Can I have a good conversation with him and it has nothing to do with sex? Does he share the same vision? I mean I want to build churches and write books with my husband, but is that what he wants too? And I’m sure there’s so many things that he wants to do too that I don’t want but knowing me, I was going to sacrifice it all just to be with “the man of my dreams!” Yes, he is a man of God and to me he was the best but I know that there is a specific man of God out there who is meant for me, who will come to me, at God’s right time! It won’t feel awkward, I won’t feel neglected or unwanted on certain days because I know that he would want to be with me every moment he gets! See, when you are right with God, in times of confusion he will move you from being perplexed to getting a better perspective of your life and the kind of relationship He wants for you! I know deep down in my heart that I shouldn’t even be trying to pursue a relationship at my age because I’m still trying to find who I really am in Christ! God is building my character and working on those weak points I have like being clingy, obsessed and jealous! God doesn’t want me to pray to a man but to pray to him and as soon as I start doing things to please a man, then I have lost the whole perspective! But this is all part of growing and understanding that we cannot always get what we want in life especially when it is not part of God’s plan for our lives! Relationships don’t come as easy, after seven months of being born again you think that now it’s time to get married and satisfy your sexual desires? Nope, you have to run this race, you have to stand the test of time, you have to have gone through the fires and waters, tested and refined in order for you to be ready to make yourself one with another human being! If you are planning to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you must know what you are getting yourself into! Will you be willing to tolerate the children that he has with another woman? These are the kind of things that you should ask yourself and go back to God and ask for wisdom to know exactly where you are right now, where you need to go and how you will get there!
As soon as sex and lust comes into the picture, know that you are dancing on a cliff! As believer who knows the vision and the task ahead, you cannot afford to entertain sex imaginations, talks and desires with someone who is not your husband! Your primary goal should be to build the kingdom of God! For someone who has a sexual history like mine, sex talks will only push you backwards when you have to be moving forward! Mind you, this is not a game, this is destiny, this is a legacy, and nations are at stake! You cannot feel holy one moment and the next search for things that will make you feel horny! (Submit yourself to God, resist the devil and he will flee! James4:7) See, the devil is roaming around looking for someone to devour and if he finds you relaxing and not alert, he will creep in slowly but surely and drift you away from God’s plan for your life! You might be fooled and think that you are on the right path for such a long time, for me it was two months, others it might be years, but if you spend time pleasing a man and looking for his approval more than God’s, then your vision won’t be clear and you will be confused most of the time and God doesn’t want to see you in confusion!
I woke up the morning after the night I talked to God and told myself that I will not walk in confusion anymore! I will not cling on to a man and make my life complex when Jesus simplifies it, and yea, I am feeling free! No stalking tendencies, no jealous motives, nothing just living in the moment while loving my King! I believe that He will have his way! I am forgetting about “this man of my dreams” and yup it was not easy but sometimes life is painful, letting go off things and people we want is not easy, but not everything that we want is good for us! (“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.” 1Corinthians 10:23)This experience has taught me to never ever try doing things on my own strength and might, never run my world according to my desires and what I want! God knows that I would like to get married and live a happily ever after with a fulfilling sex life if I may add, but that can wait! Right now, as God revealed my agenda is to seek Him first and a man will follow and not only will it feel right, but it will be right! You won’t feel deceived, you won’t feel cheated on, and you won’t feel like you are holding on to something that you shouldn’t be holding on to because that will be the perfect man God brings to you and you will be loved the way you were created to! You won’t feel like you have to push hard to be recognized! Oh how I long to experience the feeling of being pursued!
Don’t rush into relationships, you will have a happily ever after only if you trust God enough and let Him work in you! Remember you are not like the people of the world, to them waiting and believing that God will give you the man of your dreams is foolish but God uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise! “You don’t have to chase a man; if he wanted you he would pursue you!”
5 THINGS i HAVE LEARNED!
Wait on Gods timing
Don’t see any man who is not your husband as somebody who can give you sex
Eliminate all sex talks and chats and flirts with anyone who is not your husband
Be on fire for the Lord