Ever since Pastor At began preaching about this new life in Christ, a lot of reflection has occurred in my mind!! I get deeply immersed in grace as I remember the kind of life I used to live! I drown myself in my tears and sometimes I feel ashamed for crying so much, but God assures me, He understands, because to Him, my tears are precious! It’s unbelievable! How somebody would love me this much! How somebody would choses to demonstrate his wondrous power in and through me!
I went through life filled with so much shame; I just never understood what God saw in me! I was so desperate for love and a sense of belonging and acceptance, that I would do anything for it! I grew up having my mom making “harmless” jokes about my colour; she’d say I needed a stronger cream to make me light! Everybody would laugh at the joke, I’d also laugh because she was my mother and I didn’t want to disrespect her! She’d joke about my weight; it seemed as if being fat and dark was such an embarrassment to her! I wish my dad could’ve said something, but he was too silent! I never knew what he’s opinion is about me even though I longed for it so much! I’m not angry at them anymore; I understand that they’re also human beings who deep in their hearts wanted the best for me! As I began reflecting on this new life I have in Christ, I see myself completely different! I don’t dwell on what others said about me or made me feel, but I dwell on what God thought of me when He formed me in my mother’s womb!
Going through life feeling so ugly and unappreciated, I went to the greatest lengths to feel complete again! I gave up my body to be used by men! Indeed, they did use me and left me feeling worthless! They never understood that I had a heart, a soul and a spirit, just like them! They hurt me with their words, they broke me with their actions, and they left my heart in a deformed condition! Nonetheless, I pursued them! I pursued them because there was a void in me that could not be filled! Some took advantage of my vulnerability, men way older than me, and still they left me! When I go down on my knees and reflect on this life I say to my King Jesus, how I wish I knew you before all that happened! And He assures me, it is fine, I still love you! The fact that you came back to me despite everything that happened is all that matters to me!
The re-dedication of my life to Jesus on the 15th April 2012 was a result of a heart-breaking experience I’d ever had to go through! And yes, it involved a man! I couldn’t understand how someone could be so heartless! The words he said to me, the rejection, the disgust, when I needed him the most! That was the breaking point in my life when God revealed to me that, I have no one else but him! I looked around, I jumped from one relationship to another, I intoxicated myself with alcohol to forget but at that point, I knew that there was no escape! I had no one else to run and cry out to but God! I could not live my life in fear anymore, in intimidation, insecurity, heart break, always expecting the worst! At that point I knew that there’s something worth more pursuing, and it is not a man! It is not alcohol, it is not sex, and it is not money! It was Jesus! I pursued Him even though I knew it was not going to be easy! I had to leave behind the one thing that gave me satisfaction and sense of intimacy and closeness, sex! An orgasm relieved me from my modes of daily depression! Oh yea, gym did too, but I still was not enough! I thought giving myself to a man would make him love me, sending pictures of my body will make him be attracted to me! He would call me “babe” for the night and in the morning and the rest of his life; treat me like I was no babe! Treat me like I was no woman with feelings! I pursued him nonetheless! I know how to pursue but I don’t even have the slightest idea of how it feels like to be pursued! I do know however, how it feels like to have your heart being trampled and stamped on, to have your soul being broken by the unapologetic words of a man I so needed love and approval from! I know how it feels like to be emotionally, sexually, socially and yes, spiritually abused! It hurt so much and I thought that if I just give more of myself then things would change! I thought that dirty, wild, sex would make him stay! But nope, all he saw was an available sex object to be used and forgotten! I pursued but I was never pursued! I submitted myself, but I was disregarded! I gave, but I was never given back! I loved, and the love was not reciprocated back to me! I moved from place to place, city, towns, rural areas, boarding school, aunt’s…and I still longed for that love! Nobody could give it to me because everybody was busy loving their own child! Now when I go down on my knees I fail to understand how I could be loved this much! I stay on my knees through most nights trying to figure it out and sometimes God sweeps me down on the floor under his mighty power of love and I lay there in humility saying, thank You Jesus! Sometimes I don’t have any night gown on, and I want to rush and put on something to cover my body so that I look “holy” enough! But God assures me, it is okay! I love you right in the state where you are in! I love you with your clothes on or off! To me, you are not fat, but a beautiful woman, a vessel of honour who accepted my call when I called!
I have a great passion for women! Yesterday I met up with my ladies in Christ and I could not help but cry so much when I saw how sincere and desperate they were for Jesus! I knew that these women have found the love that I was searching for all my life, and still, most women are still in search of! I am passionate about women because I have been in that abortion room and I saw women helplessly lying there! The physical and emotional pain they had to go through! I see women in the street corners at night readily available to give their bodies away in order for them to put food on the table! I have seen my aunts and cousins being beaten up by their husbands, yet they still went back to them because after all, we are all in need of this love! I almost lost my sanity! I almost lost my purpose as a woman! I kneel down besides my bed, and I cry out to Jesus because now I know how it feels, how this love I have been searching for feels!
I get emotional and dramatic in my Kings presence because this love freed me! He took me from a place where I was so broken and shameful; I thought that I could never be repaired! He loved me when I was unlovable! He loves me despite my dark colour and my big body! He saw in me what everybody including myself failed to see! I say to Him, King Jesus, I love you so much! I really wish I could express this love in a clearer way! And He responds by saying, “my princess, this is the kind of love I have for all women in this world! It’s inexpressible!” And I know that He is counting on me to spread the message of His love to the broken hearted! I have experienced Jesus fixing me when I believed it’s against all odds! I searched for happiness, and I found him! I wanted compassion and care, and I found him! I wanted an identity and I found Jesus! I longed to be loved. And I found my King! I love him because he first loved me!