Letting Go

After almost two years of healing from a toxic relationship; I felt really secure, strong and confident in myself. I set boundaries and developed myself emotionally, and now I have an idea of what a good relationship should consist of. One day while walking from work listening to music on YouTube; I stumbled upon a Christian’s couple testimony of how they met on Tinder and how God orchestrated their love story. Believing this was a “sign” without any waste of time that evening I created a Tinder profile.  I was overwhelmed though; I knew the attention I was receiving was superficial and too much that the next morning I deleted the profile and the app. However I gave my contacts to one of the people whom I struck a conversation with. He was quite interesting and interested in “me”…Fast forward to a month later we met. So much went on which I shan’t mention, perhaps for now- but being with this person, I was not living up to my utmost potential. Remember I now have an idea of what a great relationship consists of but what I saw from him was inconsistency, the classic narcissistic strategy of love bombing mixed with boundary crossing, severe cases of gas lighting, broken promises and false hope given.

Eventually, after many attempts, I stuck with my decision to leave him. I did it from a place of calmness and security so I know that there is no point of return. One person said, “Decide what kind of life you really want, and then say NO to anything that’s not it.” And I knew that life with him was not what I wanted. Going through the throes of a breakup I second guessed my decision a lot! I thought perhaps the problem is me- maybe if I lose weight than I’ll be worthy to have a truthful, respectful and caring man. I kept staring at my door longing for that knock- oh that place of longing- way too familiar. As I went through the stages of grieving unrealized love, I discovered that leaving him is not a reflection of his worth as an individual. I left him simply because I was not getting what I need in a relationship. Also, him not returning to me is not a reflection of my worth. It’s got nothing to do with worthiness but everything to do with what we both want from a relationship. Some people come into your life with no motive to love or build with you they have their own reasons. Some come to wreak havoc in your life, steal your joy and break your self-esteem with their lies, unpredictable aloofness, mind games and put-downs; hence it’s important to not listen to people's words but observe their actions. Choosing not to be manipulated by a person's words will help you discover if they have your best interests at heart or not. 

While with him I discovered that I was so quick to let him cross the boundaries I’d developed in the past two years. I was quick to deter myself from my destiny to please him. Chaos and confusion set in- will I really ever be able to hold my own when it comes to an intimate relationship with a man? But having the courage to leave him and never look back is evidence that I’m not doomed to a life of picking men who will mistreat me. Susan Forward stated in her book, “MEN WHO HATE WOMEN AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM”, “Any woman can be attracted to a misogynist” (not implying that the guy is one). “Being attracted to a misogynist is not the problem. Staying and accepting abuse for long periods of time is!” I believe that the things I learned in those two years are not in vain.

For the first time in my life, even though I'm second guessing my decision to leave an unfulfilling, potentially destructive relationship in terms of trying to figure out if my decision was impulsive or unreasonable, I am sticking with it. We have been gaslit too much that we doubt our perceptions on things that don't even make sense. If something does not make sense it does not make sense and it's my responsibility to take care of myself and not try to figure a situation that does not make sense out.  I am trusting my ability to make decisions concerning my life. When I left him mainly because 1) I could not trust him and 2) we were not walking in one direction; he said it’s selfish of me to do so.The word selfish has various connotations: indifferent, cruel, thoughtless, and self-centered. Ironic how these adjectives remind me of the time he crossed over my boundaries! So I realized that being selfish is necessary for me. It enables me to let go off a victim mentality and martyrdom! Never again will I allow myself to feel helpless in a romantic relationship!

I went through my childhood longing for love and validation from people who rejected, criticized, neglected, abandoned, and emotionally abused me- and in most of my dating relationships I attracted men who could take me “home”. The perks of unfinished childhood business! Working through them now something is happening to me; I realize I don’t need abusers, emotionally unavailable, irresolute, misogynistic, or narcissistic individuals who treat me as a second class citizen to love and validate me anymore! I'm no longer looking for my parents in my relationships! I’m healed, loved and completed through God’s unfailing love! By His death on the cross Jesus demonstrated our worth, so we have no business settling for anything than His best for our lives.

No one wants to experience a break up; it’s one of the worst feelings ever. It’s the reason why so many of us stay in destructive relationships that keep festering like an open wound that never heals but worsens with each passing day. I didn’t expect to experience heartbreak, but as painful as it was I can’t be thankful enough for the experience and the lessons it taught me. It showed me that there are still deep layers of healing I still need to unfold; I will get there. “Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when you’re triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, and the story- and walk your way to a different ending.” So with God leading the way we keep journeying forward. We trust in His perfect will for our lives- all our ways are known to Him. When evil men advance against us to devour our flesh, when our enemies attack us they will stumble and fall (Psalm 27:2). We set the Lord always before us, and because He’s at our right hand we will NOT be shaken. Therefore our hearts are glad and our tongues rejoice; our bodies rest secure. He will not abandon us to the grave. He has made known to us the path of life, and He fills us with joy in His presence with eternal pleasures at His right hand (Psalm 16).