Festering Old Wounds- Part3

I wrote about a guy I was in a toxic relationship with in my previous blogs. Now I’m not really sure if it’s the nature of the relationship, or it’s him, or me! As one person put it, “Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m in a dysfunctional relationship or if I’m dysfunctional in this relationship!” After nearly four months of no contact I decided to add his number on whatsapp only to discover his status which said, “Rest in Peace dad.” At that moment I felt such sympathy for him especially since he once mentioned briefly how he and his father never had a relationship. It took me quite a long time to decide if I should contact him or just continue trying to forget about him and the little memories we created. In those four months we weren’t really communicating, there was seldom a day that went by without me thinking of him. This guy came on very strongly on me at first, yet left very abruptly. It was just hard to process. I always felt that there were new ways we could express the love we claimed to have for each other despite the conflicts and differences. This is the guy whom at first preached the Word to me, prayed with me every morning on video calling, took me to his friends’, called and texted all the time, reminded me always of how he wants me to be the first person he sees every morning when he wakes, got really worried when I didn’t answer my phone and begged me to answer it, called me  his "life", always ready to drive a 2hour distance to come and see me.  The pictures below give a glimpse of what I'm saying. And all of a sudden all that stopped…

It stopped when I thought that “we had both fallen into sexual sin” and I called out such behavior. Even before that, because of the strong physical attraction that I felt whenever I was with him I would constantly remind him of where I stand regarding sexual intimacy before marriage. I remember once in the car after I had sent him a message about my concerns since the flirting had gotten way too serious, he drove to my place to see me. He told me how he understands and how nothing sex is to him. I reckoned that he’s a strong man of God and also of his word so I let my guard off. In subsequent days, he portrayed a different character than the one he initially portrayed through his words and actions. I recall when I was perplexed after the whole fornication that I dumped him and he kept calling convincing me to take him back. Even though I felt that he was the deceiver and mostly put me in that state, he’d say things like “I can’t believe that it’s you doing this!” I would feel so bad for feeling that way and asked him to pray for me. He’d say that he is praying for me- making it seem as if I was the one who needed help. This man came to me as a man of God (Pastor) and that's how he lured me in. I find that I constantly ask myself- could he really be a child of God going through a spiritual attack, humble and needing help? Or is he bluntly evil in a quest to use women? It just doesn't make sense how someone can make you feel at some point that you are everything to them and then suddenly treat you as disposable waste. Maybe it’s a question I’m curious about but one I’ll never find answers to in this lifetime. As 1Corinthians 13:12 says, “Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I’m fully known.”

When I called him we took off from where we had left off, it's as if there weren't any hard feelings between us. He asked where I was I told him I was home but leaving soon to my place as soon as water comes out so that I can bath. He said I could go bath at his place. With so much excitement I packed my toiletry bag and waited for him to come, truth be told- I had been longing to bump into him anyway. And what better excuse to use! When I looked into his eyes- no spark, no smile, and it was understandable because he had just lost his father. I felt pity for him and wanted to comfort him but as usual it wasn't going to be possible since there's no emotional bonding between us. When we got to his place I thought we'll have this bonding you know? Where he just expresses his feelings and I comfort him or something and it ends happily ever after...but that's only a pipe dream. So we reverted to kissing which was so electrical, one I wished I could experience all my life! Like, we could have this everyday. 

I think I'm seeking the feeling I had in the beginning of our short-lived relationship. We texted a lot and it felt like we were bonding maybe? But what exactly did we bond about? Oh, wooshy washy stuff about how he wishes he could sneak into my bed, or how I wish I was in his arms, or declaring how we so loved each other---bleh. As you grow older true love moves from feel-good text messaging to service, sacrifice, and laying down one's life for another. In really life we could hardly keep a conversation going. In fact there were times when we'd sit  in agonizing silence and when I tried to express myself he'd look away and only respond to the messages that got in phone. Back in the days when I couldn't relate to people in the real world endless messages would beep through my phone, at least that's where I could hide my real, wounded self and keep a false image without having to deal with my real emotions.