Festering Old Wounds- Part1

As a twelve year old little girl I went through a traumatic experience that led the course of my life throughout all my teen years up until twenty two when Jesus changed everything! Looking back at my behavior, thoughts and attitudes then, I would take a risk by diagnosing myself as one who had a narcissistic personality disorder. This is drastic I know- since it’s self-diagnosed. In fact lately I find myself sitting in a room full of people mentally diagnosing those who might have narcissism, LOL. This is what fear does to you.

There are many incidents as I recall from the past years that make me believe that something was very wrong with me in terms of my relation to other people. Let’s cancel the term narcissism okay? (I think it’s a very strong word) And just stick to “something very wrong”. During high school, I signed up into chat sites. I would sit for hours in the library and as young as I was already addicted to the virtual world. This led to discovering dating sites which were more fun because there you could see how many people viewed your profile and how most of them showed interest in you. I never posted my real picture since I wasn’t confident with how I looked. Being so young and naïve I would just search for a picture of a beautiful lady on the internet and post it as me, and just make up one lie after another as to why I could not post more pictures. In this virtual world everyone chased after me, everyone wanted a piece of me even if it meant buying a lot of airtime to get me to send one more pic. The way I got so addicted to this I stopped going to prayer and bible study which were held in the afternoons. To the people around me I probably seemed normal, bubbly, and energetic but I had a secret life that most people weren’t even aware of. They probably judged the fruit of my life as one who always led songs in the Church and preached at times, and seeing no correlation between my profession and behavior.(By their fruit you will recognize them- Mathew7:16).

 Chatting with people online was all fun and games until I got out of high school to tertiary in Jo’burg (UJ) and discovered that these are real people who actually wanted to meet. Knowing very well that I had a fake picture I would just rock up to meet them and expect them to be okay with the fact that I deceived them. Some would just drive off the moment they saw me, some would shake their heads in disbelief, and some would try to be nice but put me at arm’s length. The rejection I felt drew me deeper into the virtual world where I would steal pictures of my room-mate whom I so envied and post them as me  because she was beautiful, Zulu, slender, long hair, chilled and every guy wanted her. There were seldom nice guys online who didn’t tolerate my games, with one exception whom I still remember to this day. And narc…oops…those people who have “something very wrong” with them take advantage of such nice people. They mistake their kindness with weakness and that’s what I did with this guy. He had a life outside of the chatting world which he often shared with me and I envied that. I would want him to cling on to me and beg me for pictures so I had to find more creative ways to steal my room-mates pictures to keep him on the leech. When I ran out of pictures I would access my room-mates email address and steal the pictures that she had there. It got to a point where I had used up every pic that I personally confessed the truth yet still expected her to understand that I needed more pictures! She was so perplexed…like how do you steal someone’s identity and expect them to just be okay with it?  What’s funny is how I still remember how she made me feel during that time. She rebuked me in such a gracious and loving manner and continued to show me love. My chats with the guy went on for months and months until I finally decided to tell him the truth since we had developed a connection through days and nights of communicating. Him being nice insisted that we meet nonetheless. We met and only now can I imagine the disappointment and hurt that he felt. Even after the meeting he wasn’t rude towards me but obviously it wasn’t like how it was online. After our meeting I don’t know what I told my sister but if I remember correctly she angrily said something to him that showed that I had bad-mouthed him. Like- I was expecting to deceive someone and expect him to just be okay with it?! I felt proud for what my sister did by “standing up for me” though she didn’t know the entire story. I was the hurt victim, and that guy was the villain! All he did was send a message asking what had I said to my sister. I don’t know what my response was but probably a psychotic one and he just left it at that.

Because I was so used to chatting with him and getting all his attention, I added him on Facebook which was now my real identity. He accepted and never said anything. All I just remember from him was an encouraging comment on one of the notes I had written which said, “You should be an author!” Not only did this guy not condemn me for deceiving him but he encouraged me greatly by making me realize that someone out there saw some potential in me. His attitude was a reflection of who he was inside. He was genuinely a good person. Looking back now I wonder how he must have dealt with what I had put him through. Was this also a lesson for him, did it help him in anyway, how did he manage to control his attitude and emotions…because truth be told, there’s nothing that scars a human being than heart issues that involve deception and betrayal. And for many online, all this is just a game.