Continues from previous blog...
It was so difficult. He wanted me, I wanted him but it could not work because the trust between us was broken. I wanted to hold on not only because he kept coming back after I dumped him, but because I felt that at least he still wanted me even though he had seen and felt the most intimate part of me that other men had rejected. He was afraid that I would put him on an emotional roller coaster by constantly dumping him and I was afraid that he would not love me the way I needed to be loved. I was skeptical of the fruit of our relationship. Maybe we were just toxic for each other...maybe we both just needed time. This brings me to the last nature of toxic people; they’re not bad people but they’re hurt. There was a time when he introduced me to someone as his “police friend” (although it was something we schemed together) only later to discover that some police woman, whom I think is his ex, had a child with someone else as he once mentioned that his ex had a child with someone else.
I felt that he was carrying the hurt he experienced through their relationship into all his relationships and he was just looking for something or someone to replace his ex. And in the process, he was hurting people. Toxic people are hurt, and hurt people hurt people. They’re not willing to deal with the painful experiences they endured, like take maybe a year’s off from dating, but would rather jump from one person to another and in most cases the infatuation of counterfeit love quickly fades. Toxic people can be healed and it does not mean that they are evil. It just means that they need to pour out their hurt at the feet of Jesus and allow Him to fix them. These kinds of people will leave an imprint in your heart that leaves you searching for answers, and the reality is, you’ll never get the answers because they also don’t know why they do what they do. You’ll just have to be patient enough to wait on God to reveal why you had to go through what you did in due time.
It was so difficult. He wanted me, I wanted him but it could not work because the trust between us was broken. I wanted to hold on not only because he kept coming back after I dumped him, but because I felt that at least he still wanted me even though he had seen and felt the most intimate part of me that other men had rejected. He was afraid that I would put him on an emotional roller coaster by constantly dumping him and I was afraid that he would not love me the way I needed to be loved. I was skeptical of the fruit of our relationship. Maybe we were just toxic for each other...maybe we both just needed time. This brings me to the last nature of toxic people; they’re not bad people but they’re hurt. There was a time when he introduced me to someone as his “police friend” (although it was something we schemed together) only later to discover that some police woman, whom I think is his ex, had a child with someone else as he once mentioned that his ex had a child with someone else.
I felt that he was carrying the hurt he experienced through their relationship into all his relationships and he was just looking for something or someone to replace his ex. And in the process, he was hurting people. Toxic people are hurt, and hurt people hurt people. They’re not willing to deal with the painful experiences they endured, like take maybe a year’s off from dating, but would rather jump from one person to another and in most cases the infatuation of counterfeit love quickly fades. Toxic people can be healed and it does not mean that they are evil. It just means that they need to pour out their hurt at the feet of Jesus and allow Him to fix them. These kinds of people will leave an imprint in your heart that leaves you searching for answers, and the reality is, you’ll never get the answers because they also don’t know why they do what they do. You’ll just have to be patient enough to wait on God to reveal why you had to go through what you did in due time.
How do I know
this? Because I once was toxic. I was broken and hurt by all the evil
experiences I had gone through by the cruelty of other people’s choices. I went
on social media and picked people to give me affirmation and validation. If I got
tired of this one, I would move on to the next. I would be so careless in my
sexuality all at the expense of counterfeit love. I would confuse people in my
conversations and not really connect with them because I had a distorted view
of reality. Everything was all about me. I went to church and sat in the front
seat praying the loudest in tongues but on weekends I was getting drunk,
smoking weed, and willfully fornicating. I was okay with a double standard
life. Until I came to the feet of Jesus on 15 April 2012 and I surrendered all
my hurt to Him. He gave me a new nature, and now though I fall, I can never be
comfortable with sin.
When I go
through such experiences I have fear: am I cut out for true intimacy or do I just
want too much for someone with a past like mine. I am caught in between the
experiences of my past influencing me not to aim too high, and the calling of
God to come up to a higher level. I’m like, how long will I continue to fall?
Why do I feel so strong one moment and the next deep in the miry clay of sexual
sin? But Jesus continues to call me to a story greater than what I could have
written for myself. I feel so empty and broken but I’ve recommitted myself to
trying again.
“For the grace of God has appeared that
offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and
worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this
present age, while we wait for the blessed hope- the appearing of the glory of
our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us
from all wickedness and to purify himself a people that are his very own, eager
to do what is good.”- Titus2:11-14
This is the hope of the Gospel.
This is the hope of the Gospel.
Which church do you attend.
ReplyDeleteAre you male or female?
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