The state in which my mother left got me feeling depressed for several days! One of those dark days I literally hid myself in the wardrobe! Not because I wanted a story to tell, but because I just couldn’t handle the pressure and guilt I was feeling! I wondered how long that guilt would last, even contemplated seeing a psychologist! I also thought that perhaps throwing my anti-depressants down the bin months ago wasn’t such a good idea after all! This was one of the most painful seasons in my life, recalling my mother’s words, her teary eyes, and her flushing face! I just thank God for keeping me together when I was falling apart! Thankful for an awesome friend Gina, who always reminded me of God’s sweet promises! In the pit of depression, there was somehow a sense of hope and faith, I will be fine! I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I trusted God to rekindle my joy!
Throughout this whole journey with Christ, I acquired ample knowledge and wisdom! I began seeing the devil for who he really is! I started seeing my mum and everyone around me; sister, housemates, friends, classmates, for who they really are! Since I have seen life as it is, and people as they are, I also began seeing God for who He really is! In the midst of depression He is still God! Seasons change, people change, things change but He remains God! This realization helped me not dwell in my depression but dwell in who God is! It was not easy because I got reoccurring visions of my mum’s sad face, the guilt of how I could have done things differently and the despair of how long it will be before I see her again! But I’m thankful that I have a friend in Jesus! The sweet Holy Spirit who leads me to scripture and prayer although I don’t feel like it! Who helps me realise how tiny my problem or depression is compared to this awesome God I serve! Psalm 103 reminded me to bless God in all situations! He is the same God who forgave my sins! Same God who healed my diseases! Same God, who crowns me with love and compassion, satisfies my desires! And He certainly is the same God who has delivered me from many pits of depression and renewed my strength like an eagle! Despite everything that I go through, not only my mother skipping the country, and the argument we had before that, I have full confidence in God and the promises He gives!
It was puzzling how a small misunderstanding turned out into a huge argument! My mum asked me to take her to the airport, I agreed! Next thing I change my mind and didn’t even want to see her leave! She called me a witch, I back chatted! She cried, I cried! Got out of the car and didn’t want to see her face again? Was this really all for a reason! This whole week my prayer to God was: Lord give me a better vision, to see things like You do! In His faithfulness, He did open the scales on my eyes and enabled me to see things according to His will! See, I never knew what love is until I learnt to love the woman who bore me! Loving and forgiving her for everything that she said or did to me in the past enabled me to really love! I was living in anger, irritation and so much annoyance! The situation went bad because God wanted me to stop holding on to bitterness but to freely love and to see good in others! Appreciate them, pray for them and bless them with all sincerity!
Admit it! When you are depressed you don’t feel like doing anything! I wanted to study but I kept procrastinating because the moment I was alone in my room holding my books, the depression crept in! Psalm 105 record God’s miraculous works in the times of the Israelites! Verse 40 -42says, “The people asked, and He brought quail! He satisfied them with the bread of heaven. He opened the rock, and water gushed out; it ran in the dry places like a river.” So I thought to myself, I am not doing well at the moment! Surely If I just ASK, God will help me live this life! I ask God to help me with my studying, relationships, needs and everything else that makes up my life! It is always so great to lay everything before God’s feet every morning and walk victoriously during the course of the day! Today I studied effectively! I managed my time well and I was filled with so much gladness and joy! Scales are being broken! Walls are being removed! Mountains are being levelled to the ground! Tears are being dried! Chains are being untied! And joy is being revived! You don’t have to dwell in your depression, ask God and He will breathe on your dry bones! He will open a rock and water will gush out and run in all dry areas and situations in your life! You are impregnated with destiny; do not let feelings of depression take hold of your being! Let your meditation in the Lord be sweet! Be glad in Him! It won’t be long till what is happening in the inside of you starts showing in the outside! Keep the faith and hold your head up high!