I grew up with a very low self-esteem and a poor self image! I identified the root of this behavior when I listen to my childhood stories! What I deduced is that my childhood was never a happy one, not that I know of! When my mum talks about my sister’s childhood, at least there’s laughter and jokes! With mine, well there are jokes, but there’s usually an atmosphere of misery.
I lived with my aunt when I was young! And I was always told that my mother picked me up from a train when I was a baby, that I was not really their family. Although my aunt always said this with laughter and my sister and cousins always laughed, it somehow had a psychological effect on me! Anger, bitterness, loneliness, insecurity, and no confidence in my identity-all these built up in me! I realize the train story was a predicament to my mum because now, everybody knows about it, and they even co stipulated their own stories based on what they heard! The real story is that I was in a train with my mother and somehow defecated and made a mess in the train. I don’t know the end of the story but honestly this is one of the few stories that my mum always brings up when she recalls my childhood memories! And she says it with embarrassment and defeat!
I was always an outcast compared to the people around me! My sister, cousins and friends! Not only my family members but people in our small community always saw me us the ugliest one! Now deep down in my heart I was confident, outspoken and talented but nobody took the time to develop me as a child! In my family, I was always belittled! My sister was the golden, talkative, smart child who brought people happiness! I was just labeled as another child who will just grow to struggle “just like her mother”! So as a child, I have always wanted to be like my sister, I wanted to be her actually! I posted her pictures on social networks and pretended that I was her. I had no confidence in myself whatsoever, if only I could just be like her! I grew up believing that I was not good, smart or beautiful enough!
The other day my dad and I picked my sister up from the taxi rank, she had just come back from school in Bloemfontein. In the car she was so talkative, laughing with my dad and there I was sitting at the backseat, thinking…she has come to take my place again! Just when my dad and I were starting to communicate well! When we got home my mother literally treats her like she’s the savior, some sure tunnel of light! I’ve always felt that I am disregarded when my sister is around and this made me so timid, uncomfortable in their presence. As a child, when I needed something from my parents, I did not go directly to them, I was scared of them! I knew that they always had a soft spot for my sister so I always sent her! But it came to a point in my teenage life where the bitterness and pride could not allow me to send her anymore, so I had to fend for myself! I will get what I want, but I will not rely on my parents to give me anything! Please don’t think that I’m angry with my sister, or jealous of her, I love her so much!!!
The other day my mother said to me, “your sister was meant to get married but you were meant to be a home girl!” I calmly asked her, “mama, why are you cursing me?”she did not think that was a curse though! She said, “But that is how it has always been even some man said it when you were still young!” Annoyed, I asked, “mama why can’t you just say good things about me just like you are saying about my sister?” She turned it into a big fat joke and I was really not interested because that is my life she was speaking about! Do you know what it means when somebody tells you that you were not meant to marry but be a house girl? It means that you will spend the rest of your life hopping in and out of relationships, being used by men who don’t love you! Not experiencing the joy of having a husband and children, not having a family! Eventually being somebody who is miserable doing anything to be loved, drinking alcohol, dying of AIDS at your parents four roomed house and not being the woman that God created you to be! This is what being a home girl means to me and it annoyed me! I noticed that the more I walk in God’s plan, the more the devil uses my mother’s mouth to discourage and curse me! But I stand on God’s Word! Nothing that anybody has said about me shall prosper, but God’s Word in my life! The devil uses my mother’s mouth to curse me and make my mother believe that my relatives or neighbors have bewitched me! People who believe that everybody's ought there to bewitch them end up being lonely, paranoid and alone. I am so glad that I gave my life to Jesus, because despite everything that I have been through, He has become a shelter and a place of safety for me! I run to Him! I take refuge in Him! Jesus says to me, my child, you are exclusive!
I am exclusive because Christ lives in me! I'm excited because the creator of the universe watches over me! I get up in the morning, look myself in the mirror and smile! I smile because I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in God’s image! I may not be pretty enough to my mother, I may not be slim enough! Perhaps another wig could do! Perhaps a change of skin product would do to make me more lighter! But that is their opinion and own problems! I am what God says I am! I am crowned with glory and honor!! Being a child of God makes me exclusive! You might be the fattest person on earth! You might be squint or an albino! You might have a flat nose or whatever! But when people look at you, they don’t see those “ugly” traits! They see the glory and honor of God! The favor of God is upon you! They see Jesus in you! They wonder…"what is it with this person who has so much confidence!" You radiate with Christ confidence and that is what makes you beautiful! The Word of God makes you exclusive!
I first had to understand my position in Christ to come to this realization! In the past I always ran to gym to find happiness, self-acceptance and some sort of identity! But God did not want me to depend on gym for enrichment, fulfillment and purpose! He wanted me to run to Him first before everything else! When somebody has made me angry, I don’t run to gym to “sweat it of!” I run to Jesus to help me cope with it! Gym is just a cherry on top! From Jesus flows everlasting joy, He is the source of everything! Gym will not fix me, only Jesus can! And not only does He fix me, but He also makes me exclusive!
I am exclusive because Christ lives in me! Everything that I do is exclusive! My sister always swears and when I ask her why she swears so much she tells me that she is a chef and chefs swear when they are frustrated! But see, God doesn’t want you to be like the rest! He doesn’t want you to be an ordinary Chef! He wants you to be extraordinary, outstanding and exclusive, different from the rest! When I’m at gym and our spinning/aerobics instructor is “hard” on us and the people around me start complaining and whining, I’m there at the back putting in all my efforts! I know it’s hard but the Great Physician told me that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! See, if I’m going to be a trainer, I’m going to be an exclusive one! I am not like the rest! If I’m going to be a biologist, I am going to be an exclusive biologist! If I’m going to be a writer I am going to be an exclusive writer! If I am going to be a woman, I am going to be an exclusive woman! The people around me will have their opinions about me, but I know their opinions are not what the Word of God says about me! I am so glad that I have accepted Christ in my life, so that He can change the way I’ve always viewed myself, the way I’ve always allowed people to intimidate me! I now know that I am great, because a great awesome God lives in me! I love you my King Jesus!
Thank You for changing my life Jesus!