Wednesday, 25 April 2012

The world behind me, the cross before me!

These past two days were really tough for me.I was caught between listening to what the spirit wants or to what my desires want. I was dating a really nice guy for the past 3months. We met last year, we spent our new years eve together, but we started dating officially on the 9th of January. This was one of the stress-less relationships I have been in and he really was and is still good to me. This might sound like something I'd want to hold on to but as I seek more of Gods will in my life, priorities change and it just doesn't feel right. I mean I want to ignore it but the Holy Spirit just keeps telling me that in order for me to enter into Gods will and plan for my life, I have to leave my boyfriend.

The other day he sent me a text  asking me why am I so distant lately. I don't answer his calls and I don't chat with him as much as I did before. I was waiting for me to get home before I could tell him that I have now decided to follow Jesus and I don't think that our relationship is Gods will for both of us. But since he asked me then I thought that it was the perfect moment for me to tell. I said yes I have been distant, and I was waiting to get back home and not be a coward. I wanted to let you know that I have now followed Jesus and I really cant be in this relationship any longer because it just doesn't feel right. He was sad. He begged me not to leave him , he said that he'll start going to church again if that's what it'll take to be with me. We don't have to do certain things anymore, he'll wait for me. He didn't understand that it was as hard for me as much as it was for him. I want to be with him, but I cant because it is not Gods will and I can feel it in my spirit.

With tears filled in my eyes I asked my sisters opinion. She was so cross at me. She said Tiisetso whenever you find love you dont appreciate. You know how you have been hurt before. What if he's your soul mate. I told her that it doesnt feel right in my spirit. She said what if it is Jesus speaking through me Tiisetso, I'm telling you, you are making the worst decision of your life. Thato loves you and you see now you have left a good guy, you are going to get hurt again. I understand that my sister was saying all that because she cares for me. She has seen how I got hurt before and how I loved without love being returned back. And now I got this amazing guy who always calls, who always wants to be with me and  I'm throwing it all away. What she said really made sense but it is Gods will that I seek and I dont want to compromise anymore. I told my sister that I want to start a new life and I know that God will see me through, as mcuh as this hurts, He will see me through. The problem with us humans, we underestimate the power of God. I  know that God wont tell me to leave my boyfriend who I was falling in love with and not replace him with someone even better, I just have to trust him. As I sat there on my bed trying to study I thought to myself, gone are those days where I listened to people's opinions or followed my human desires. I am now walking in Gods plan and I'll do whatever it takes to go where he leads me to. Temporary pain will be a permanent gain someday!

I went to bed still thinking about what I did and wondering if I really made the right choice. I got up in the morning still sad and feeling down. I wanted to call him and tell him that I was just being ridiculous can he just forgive me. During school hours I was just down and it troubled me. I wondered what will happen if I just dont listen to God and just do what I want just this once. Why cant I keep my boo! I also prayed hard though, I couldnt eat too. The only thing I could put in my mouth is an apple. I prayed hard, whenever I felt that those feelings are coming back again, I got to the loo and pray hard , seeking Gods face and assurance. I even went on Google, I contemplated...During my test all I could think of was Thato and all the things we did together and how better it could be. But then again I thought about the will of God ,and how great it would be if I trusted and obeyed. I thought to myself , I'm sure Jesus also wanted to turn those stones into food when the devil tempted him after 40 days and 40 nights of fasting, but he did not give in to temptation because He was lookng at the bigger picture. he knew that Gods will had to be done and now look at Him, He is seated in all glory. It was hard for Him aswell but he trusted God, cant i perhaps do the same. God knows that it is not easy but He has something better in store for me, that I know for sure.

When you decided to follow Jesus, there are certain people that you might hurt on the way, you yourself will even get hurt. Friends to stop hanging out with, family members to disappoint by not following their ancestral worship, lovers to leave and etc. We are not looking at what we see now but we are looking at what lies ahead.We don't base our lives on tantalizing situations around us but on the perfect will of God. We don't make our decisions based on what society expects from us but on what God has planned for us. This may sound absurd hey, but whosoever saves his life will loose it and whosoever looses his life for Gods sake will gain it. Praise be to God!

 "If we want to maintain personal intimacy with the Lord Jesus Christ,
it will mean refusing to do or even think certain things.
And some things that are acceptable for others
will become unacceptable for us."

~ Oswald Chambers
"Everybody's looking for emotional support
in another relationship with the opposite sex,
and that's the wrong place to look.
The emotional support you need
comes from your spiritual life being stable first,
and that's a right relationship with God."

~ Dr. Jim A. Talley

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